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dodgy-alan

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Posts posted by dodgy-alan

  14. The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

    in Members General & Announcements

    Posted

    Forget Newton and Galileo.
    Here are the real laws of nature:
    1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose begins to itch and you'll need to pee.
    2.Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, rolls to the least accessible corner.
    3.Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
    4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
    5.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
    6. Variation Law-If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
    7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
    8.Law of Close Encounters- The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
    9.Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
    10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
    11..Law of the Theater.- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
    12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your spouse will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
    13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
    14.Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
    15.Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
    16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
    17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
    18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-As soon as you find a product that you really like, they stop making it.
    19.Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
     
     
     
     
    • Haha 1

  15. The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

    in Members General & Announcements

    Posted

    Understanding Engineers #1
    Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
    The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
    Understanding Engineers #2
    To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
    Understanding Engineers #3
    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
    The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
    The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
    The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
    The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
    The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
    The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
    Understanding Engineers #4
    What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
    Understanding Engineers #5
    The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
    The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
    The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
    The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
    Understanding Engineers #6
    Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
    Understanding Engineers #7
    An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
    He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
    The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
    Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
    The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
    And Finally
    Two repairmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
    A female engineer walked by and asked what they were doing.
    "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
    The engineer took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
    One repairman shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
    Both men have since been removed from their repair jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.
     
    • Haha 1
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