The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[CAT3508 335]

[brett 2,283]

A guy wrote on his FaceBook page: "Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but I acted responsibly and took an Uber."
400 likes, 40 comments. The best comment was from his best friend: "Where did you go in Uber bro, party was at your house."

[Quickmarch 488]

LAST RIDE ON MY HARLEY

 

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.   Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"   As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...   "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.   She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”   "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"   "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."   Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."   We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."   "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

 

"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."

[brett 2,283]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

[CAT3508 335]

[allardjd 1,853]

 

I hope someone besides Quickmarch gets this...

John

[J G 927]

I have tried doing the maths and I always come up with a shit answer!

Edited February 27, 2019 by J G

[jaydor 345]

[brett 2,283]

What do you call Fish without eyes?

 

 

 

Fsh.

[Tristarcaptain 282]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

 

No-eyed deer!

 

(No idea!!) 

 

 

[mutley 4,487]

Women really know how to hold a grudge.

My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me! 

[CAT3508 335]

[brett 2,283]

Oldie but goodie.....

 

MISSING WIFE REPORT

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight ?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes ?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Color of hair ?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing ?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in ?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?

Husband : A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

[dogtrack 345]

Two drunks visit a brothel.  The Madam takes a look at them and says to the girls, "Get 2 inflatable dolls, these guys are too drunk to notice".  During the walk home one guy says to the other, "I think my girl was dead, she never moved or made a sound".  The second guy says, "well I think my girl was a witch".  "Why do you think that", asked the first guy.  "Well, I bit her on the arse and then she flew out the window".

[brett 2,283]

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe.
 Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.
 Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.
 Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise. SO THERE.
 Now when I reach for a word or a name, I won’t excuse myself by saying, “I’m having a senior moment”. Now, I’ll say, “My disk is full”!
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names so I will post it here on the forum.

[J G 927]

@ Brett

There are a couple of things you have forgotten to add:

My brain went live in 1959.  It is therefore a valve set and takes a while to warm up.  This doesn't mean it is slower, in fact it can be said that it makes the thoughts we create  better: more refined, wider, clearer and the brain larger.

[jaydor 345]

Subject: Notre Dame

France, Paris, has recently suffered the tragic loss of use of the Notre Dame Cathedral  in the the recent fire, fortunately through Gods goodness he spared the loss of life, however, it has just become public that a letter of complaint, recently delivered to the Cardinal of Notre Dame & forwarded to the French Presidents office from a Mrs Modo.

We have learned that Mrs. Modo’s complaint about her Son Quasi, a tenant of the Cathedral i.e. the full time, yet unpaid labourer is missing, since he hasn’t rang for more than 3 days now, she is extremely concerned & worried about Quasi because of a recent fallout between him and his Highness the Cardinal of Notre Dame.

The point of Mrs. Modo”s concern, is that his Highness the Cardinal  was attempting to deny Quasi his moral & conjugal rights to his recent friendship with a common Gypsy girl, with whom Quasi wishes to settle down & eventually marry, his lover, Esmie, within the sanctuary of the Cathedral
He claims joint sanctuary because some fools are accusing his Esmie of Witchery, of all things.
His mother fears for his life and mental stability, in other words, tragedy could befall with his current state of mind.

………………………………………………………………………………

NEWS IS JUST COMING IN AS WE WRITE,……

It is reported that a Young man matching young Quasi’s description is being treated in the emergency room of a local hospital….. more to follow as we make a connection to our independent commentator, apparently  through a close relative, or, friend of Esmie………
………………………………………………………………………………..

We can now confirm that the patient is indeed a young man named Quasi Modo, who is suffering from severe back injuries, which could lead to permanent disfigurement..
…………………………………………………………………………………

Apparently Young Quasi fell whilst swinging from a rope of some kind inside the Cathedral, hurt his back, causing considerable pain. He is now out of surgery, & is expected to make a full recovery, unfortunately he will struggle to walk upright & will have lasting & debilitating pain from a severe ringing in both ears.

………………………………………………………………………………….

Meanwhile we hear that,  Esmie, his fiancee is setting up a “Go fund Me” account at the local jail both for her trial  & a new home for Quasi.

WE WILL KEEP YOU UP TO DATE ON THIS STORY AS NEWS COMES IN.
 

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Apparently regarding the fire at Notre Dame, The fire brigade have a good hunch what caused it and they say the name rings a bell!

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

The old recruiting sergeant is signing on volunteers, he's doing them in alphabetical order and has got as far as Mc,  Firsty guy comes up , Sarge looks at him , " Name?" " McCoy" comes the reply, "Occupation" Sarge asks, "Poof" says the man, "Pardon?" "Poof" the man says again, "I worked in a cushion factory and it was my job to take the finished cushions and poof them up plump ready for sale!" "Oh Ok" says Sarge, the man walks off. "Next!" calls Sarge, "Name?" , the next man relies " McCoy" "Occupation?" "Poof" comes the reply, Sarge looks up " Another one? so what do you actually do?"  " I work in the town centre, and when it gets light I go round and poof out all the street lights" "Really?" asks sarge, "I thought they were electric?" " No Sir " says the man, "we have some gas lamps as well"  "Oh I see" says sarge, "Off you go,"  the man leaves, "Next!" roars the sarge. The next man flounces up, " Name?"  "McCoy" Sarge raises his eyes, "another one?" "Occupation?" " THe man replies " Poof" Sarge can't quite believe it " And what is it you do?"  " What do you mean" asks the man defensively, " I'm no pretender like the last two! I'm the real McCoy" And with that he minced off!

 

[CAT3508 335]

[brett 2,283]

This happened at an assisted living center.

 The people who lived there had small apartments, but they all ate at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.

 An hour later he still hadn't arrived, so she went back up towards his room, but found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hard time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

 She told him she was going to call an ambulance, but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So, she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

 When he tried to return to his room, he was completely unable to get up even the first stair step, so they called an ambulance for him.

 A couple of hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one side of his boxer shorts.

 I'm sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know all the facts.

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Confucius, He Say, "Lady who flies upside down with no knickers will have crack up!"

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Just had two police officers at my front door.
They asked me the following questions.
'Are you familiar with the letters HB'?
I said, 'No i'm not'
'How about LS'?
'No'
'What about JD'?
I said, hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something'?
They said, No these are just initial enquiries'.

[Quickmarch 488]

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the  flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.  And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

 

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing’’.

[CAT3508 335]

Having fun with auto correct