The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[mutley 4,487]

If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door...

He’s standing right behind you.

 

[Tristarcaptain 282]

F-U-N-N-Y!!!!

[brett 2,283]

Good one and it deserves to be copied over to the Jokes thread.

[Philmurfin 51]

More puns...(I can already hear the moans)!



An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.

I didn’t think the chiropractor could improve my posture… but I stand corrected.

I took my new girlfriend to the ice rink on our first date. It was half-price night. She called me a cheap-skate.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. So the difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.

[brett 2,283]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.

 noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Philmurfin 51]

Nellie the elephant has tested positive for covid. When asked where she got it from she said TRUMP TRUMP TRUMP

[brett 2,283]

When Pete first noticed that his Johnson was growing larger
And had more staying power, Pete was delighted, as was Kate.

But... After several weeks, his Johnson had grown so that it was dragging on the ground.

Pete became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So Kate and Pete went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to them that,
Though rare, Pete's condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" Kate asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," Said Kate? coldly, "you're going to make his legs longer aren't you?

[Philmurfin 51]

A penguin walked into the bar and said I’m looking for my brother. “What does he look like” asked the barman.

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

The moral of the story is:

When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

Dedicated to all my friends who like me likes the S.O.S. approach!

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

On 03/10/2020 at 13:14, Philmurfin said:

More puns...(I can already hear the moans)!



An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.

I didn’t think the chiropractor could improve my posture… but I stand corrected.

I took my new girlfriend to the ice rink on our first date. It was half-price night. She called me a cheap-skate.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. So the difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.

Another Tim Vine fan!! 

 

[brett 2,283]

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

[brett 2,283]

[brett 2,283]

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

This lockdown is doing my head in!!

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Further evidence that CV19 CAN be transmitted to animals!  

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

[Tim_A 995]

[mutley 4,487]

[brett 2,283]

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Niagara Falls and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde."I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.

Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"

[Philmurfin 51]

I like that one, thanks.

 

Here's a few puns....

· Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

· How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

· I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

· They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

· I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

 

[Tim_A 995]

Englishman: "That your Dog"..??
Welshman: "Aye".
Englishman: "Mind if I Speak to him"..??
Welshman: "Dog don't Talk.”
Englishman: Hey Dog, how's it going"..??
Dog: "Doing All Right, Thanks".
Welshman: (Look of Shock).
Englishman: Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing at the Welshman).
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's He Treating You"..??
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of Total Disbelief).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Horse"..??
Welshman: "Horse Don't Talk”.
Englishman: "Hey Horse how's it Going"..??
Horse: "Cool, Thanks".
Welshman: (Extreme Look of Shock).
Englishman: "Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing to the Welshman).
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's He Treating You"..??
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he Rides me, Brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice Stable to protect me from the Weather."
Welshman: (Now a Look of Total Amazement).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Sheep"..??
*
Welshman: "That Sheep's a bloody Liar”..

[brett 2,283]

Novice monks were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to be lined up naked, in a garden while a nude model danced in front of them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his private parts and they were told that anyone
whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached the required state of purity.
The model danced in front of the first monk...No reaction, she proceeded down the line and got the same response until she got to the last monk in the line.
As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground!
Embarrassed, he bent down to retrieve the bell and all the other bells went off!