The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[CAT3508 336]

Deleted

Edited April 12, 2022 by CAT3508

[CAT3508 336]

Once upon a time, a pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"

The princess said, "No!"

And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and banged skinny long-legged big-titted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, martinis and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and even left the toilet seat up....

The End

© unknown.....

[CAT3508 336]

[brett 2,283]

So, the other day in a store some teenagers physically pushed past me, and one said, "Out of our way old man" and it pissed me off something fierce.

The young forget not to irritate old people. The older we get, the less "Life in prison" matters as a deterrent.

[CAT3508 336]

[CAT3508 336]

[brett 2,283]

Thanks for that good chuckle, Neil.

[brett 2,283]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo,........... just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year-- that........ these windows would pay for themselves in a year---
Helloooo, it’s been a year, so they’re paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[CAT3508 336]

[CAT3508 336]

[brett 2,283]

Well, she doesn't look upset, so you have to wonder what caused that particular... (fill in your own word here)

[brett 2,283]

Still laugh at this one...

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says,
"Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[Philmurfin 51]

I recently spent £16,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.

He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows!

He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[CAT3508 336]

[brett 2,283]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in
the Race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted.
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.

[CAT3508 336]

Giuseppe is incredibly proud of his brand new, Gucci, patent leather shoes. So much so he can barely stop looking at them. Even when out dancing on Saturday night, his favourite pastime, he could hardly tear his gaze away from his brand new, Gucci, patent leather shoes.

When dancing with Maria he suddenly asked: "Maria, I wonder, are you wearing red panties this evening?"

"Why yes!" she replied "But how did you know that?"

"I can see them reflected in my brand new, Gucci, patent leather shoes."

Later he is dancing with another of his many lady friends. "Anna" he asks "Are you wearing blue panties this evening?"

"Golly" says Anna "yes I am, but how did you know?"

"I can see them reflected in my brand new, Gucci, patent leather shoes."

Later still he is dancing with Carla, and this time he asks with genuine concern in his voice "Carla, are you by any chance not wearing panties this evening?"

With a blushing giggle she replies "Actually, that's right! But how could you possibly know?!"

"Thank goodness!" says Giuseppe "For a minute I thought I had a crack in my brand new, Gucci, patent leather shoes."

[CAT3508 336]

[CAT3508 336]

[brett 2,283]

I sometimes think that these newsprint mistakes are nothing of the sort.

[brett 2,283]

The police came to my house tonight holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes.".
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus.".
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
 

[CAT3508 336]

[CAT3508 336]

[brett 2,283]

Sorry to all you blondes out there, in advance...

A gorgeous, long-legged blonde boards a flight for Toronto and takes her economy-class seat, where she remains until after the aircraft is airborne.

Once the flight has reached altitude, she gets up, walks to first class and takes an empty seat. The flight attendant sees this and approaches her, explaining to her politely that First Class seats cost more money and she is not authorized to be there.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m going in this seat.”

After repeated attempts to reason with her, the attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the flight crew, “We have a problem in first class,” explains, and says, “I can’t get her to move.”

The first officer says, “That’s OK, I’ll handle it.”

He goes back, introduces himself, and explains to her once again that she has not paid for the seat she is in, so must move back to her own seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m going in this seat.”

When further discussion gets him nowhere, he goes back to the cockpit and says, “She’s a tough one. I guess the only thing we can do is call the police when we get there and have her arrested.”

The pilot says, “Nah, I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back, introduces himself and politely explains the situation once again.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m going in this seat.”

He then leans down and whispers something in her ear. Her eyes open wide, her jaw drops a little, then she says, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know;” gets up and returns to her seat in economy.

When the pilot returns, the others are dumbfounded.

“What did you do to get her to move?”

“Easy enough. I just explained to her that First Class doesn’t go to Toronto.”

[CAT3508 336]

[CAT3508 336]