The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[mutley 4,487]

I asked my mate from Wales how many sexual partners he's had, he started counting.. then fell asleep

[mutley 4,487]

Guy goes to see his doctor and tells him for the last 2 weeks he had been having a poo at 7am on the dot, the doc tells him that its good to be regular and asks what the problem was.

The guy replied, well I dont get up till 8 o'clock.

[brett 2,283]

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stipper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

[mutley 4,487]

I saw that one coming Brett!

[brett 2,283]

I couldn't find any sophisticated marriage jokes.  I'll try harder

[mutley 4,487]

I was in the public toilets the other day and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you ?"

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine"

The voice said "So what are you up to?"

I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!"

From next door, "Can I come over?"

Annoyed, I said "rather busy right now!"

The voice said, "Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions".

[brett 2,283]

   good one, I didn't see that one coming.

[mutley 4,487]

I couldn't find any sophisticated marriage jokes. I'll try harder

Try this..

A man takes his wife to the stock show.

They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."

[brett 2,283]

LOL  Actually a long snort but still counts.

[allardjd 1,853]

Judge to Prostitute: "When did you realize you were raped?"

 

Prostitute (wiping away tears): "When the check bounced."

 

John

[brett 2,283]

 True story. I was on jury duty once for a date rape case. We were being questioned by the defense lawyer while sitting in the jurors booth. He asked each person, one by one, "Does a women have a right to say no at anytime during sex?" Everyone of course said yes right down the line and I also had my answer at the ready. When he got to me he changed the question suddenly slaming his hand on the railing and asked in a booming voice "At what point doesn't a women have the right to say no?". Perplexed and caught off guard I stammered out in a squeaky voice "When their done?". Everyone in the courtroom started laughing and the judge got his nose out of joint and I was almost held in contempt(not sure why). Needless to say I was not picked for that jury.

[hurricanemk1c 195]

A few from an e-mail I've just got - prehaps not so much jokes, more scary stories!

 

IDIOT SIGHTING No.1


My daughter and I went to the McDonald's check-out to pay our bill and
I gave the clerk a £5 note.

Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but
we do not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.


Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in  St Albans , Hertfordshire.!!



IDIOT SIGHTING No2

We had to have the garage door repaired The GARADOR repairman told us

that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough
motor on the opener.

I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR
made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not.
Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .



IDIOT SIGHTING No3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the

Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign

from our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of
road! I don't

think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'


Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.



IDIOT SIGHTING No 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.


>From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.



IDIOT SIGHTING No 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'



Happened at Luton Airport



IDIOT SIGHTING No 6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it
is safe to cross the road.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in  St Albans , Hertfordshire.
(And she's NOT blonde)



IDIOT SIGHTING No7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car,

we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the Driver's door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.
 

[Captain Caveman 0]

OMG! I never knew we had so many idiots! Idiot no.7 just made me giggle thanks

Glen

[brett 2,283]

Here's your sign

[Quickmarch 488]

This just off one of my sailing sites:

 

 

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

“You have so much to live for,” said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy….”

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her on board in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with of the sailors,” she replied.
“He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia.”
“I see,” the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, “Plus, he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” replied the captain.
“This is the Isle of Wight Ferry.”

[mutley 4,487]

That one needs a health warning March, I just pulled a muscle laughing 

[brett 2,283]

Good one March

[allardjd 1,853]

Although locked in fierce competition for what seems like forever, God and the Devil meet once every week for coffee just to catch up with each other. One week they're in heaven and the next they're in hell.

 

When it was God's turn to host last week, the Devil was whistling a happy tune as he walked through the gates and wore a huge smile as he plopped down in the golden chair. As he poured a cup, God said, "You look pretty pleased with yourself."

 

"Yeah," said the Devil, "Things are really looking up since I got that engineer last week. He's put in escalators and flush toilets, and he even found a way to control the heat in those old furnaces. I've been meaning to thank you for turning him away up here."

 

God looked stunned, and almost spilled coffee into the saucer. "You know that you're not supposed to get any engineers," God said. "Peter was breaking in some new help at the gates last week, and they must have made a mistake. Just send him back up and we'll straighten it out."

 

But the Devil just chuckled and said, "No. I think I'll keep him. He was talking about looking into better ventilation this week. I can see why you keep them all for yourself."

 

"Send him back," demanded God.

 

"No," smirked the Devil.

 

God thundered, "Send him back, or..."

 

"Or what?" the Devil asked.

 

"Or I'll sue," finished God.

 

The Devil chuckled again. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

 

John

[allardjd 1,853]

A group, including a man with a hearing problem, was on a power plant tour. Toward the end of the tour, the guide was reviewing what he had gone over with the group. He said that to test what they had learned on the tour, he had a question for them; "What is the unit of power equal to one joule per second called?"

 

The man with the hearing problem hadn't heard the question very well, so he raised his hand and asked "What?"

 

"Exactly right!", said the guide.

 

John

[allardjd 1,853]

Two atoms were walking down the street one day, when one of them exclaimed, "Oh, no I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" the other one asked. "Yes," replied the first one, "I'm positive."

[allardjd 1,853]

Real Engineers know that Halloween is really the same as Christmas, because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

 

John

[mutley 4,487]

Ha ha!

Steady John you'll be turning us into engineers!

[brett 2,283]

Got a kick out of the GOD/Devil joke John  The last one I had to look up and still not sure I see the joke. Maybe it was just in the delivery

[mutley 4,487]

Sorry Brett I saw it straight away,I am such a nerd.

Looks here, http://www.statman.info/conversions/octal.html enter 31 and see what the decimal result is.

Oct 31 = Dec 25!

Back off under my rock now

Cheers,

Joe

[allardjd 1,853]

Steady John you'll be turning us into engineers!

 

There are worse things... 

 

John