allardjd 1,853 Posted January 14, 2013 Report Share Posted January 14, 2013 A trainer of aquatic mammals discovered quite by accident that if he fed seagulls to porpoises, they would live forever. He aquired two seagulls to take to the porpoises. Arriving at his facility he found an old, mangy lion asleep on his doorstep. In a hurry to feed the gulls to the porpoises so they could live forever, he stepped across the lion. Policemen immediately appeared and arrested him. The charge - - - transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 14, 2013 Report Share Posted January 14, 2013 For Andrew: A Local Area Network in Australia is the LAN Down Under.... John Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2013 Wasn't that sung by the "Men at Work"? Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted January 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2013 A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas." Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted January 15, 2013 Report Share Posted January 15, 2013 @Joe, great video. The man is on top of it! I hope our european friends will appreciate this one. In a long past World Series (US Baseball, sort of like Cricket, but shorter games) there was a pitcher named Milt Famey. Now, Milt liked hIs brew, but he was usually sober for any baseball game where he was called to the mound. Unfortunately, the pressures of the World Series got to Milt and he drank a lot of beer before the big game. I won't go into a play-by-play for reasons of limited space, but suffice to say that, with the two teams tied in the bottom of the ninth, Milt walked four batters for the winning run and his team lost the Pennant. The newspaper interview for the winning team got the following quote from one of the winning runners (walkers) "It was the beer that made Milt Famey walk us". Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted January 15, 2013 Report Share Posted January 15, 2013 DOhh !! don't know whether to laugh or cry at some of these ! Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted January 15, 2013 Report Share Posted January 15, 2013 Both are appropriate, Alan Cheers, March Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 15, 2013 Report Share Posted January 15, 2013 There is evidence that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers, but unfortunately all the league records were destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll sadly never know for whom the Tells bowled. John Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted January 15, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 15, 2013 News Just In..... Bin Laden's DNA results have come back from the lab - 24% Cocoa, 16% Sugar and 60% Coconut. Apparently it was due to the Bounty on his head! http://en.wikipedia...._(chocolate_bar)) Link to post Share on other sites
needles 1,010 Posted January 31, 2013 Report Share Posted January 31, 2013 Hi Guys, This is not mine. It was sent to me by a friend who knows about my hobby. Cheers The Blonde Pilot.. This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seaterairplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a MayDay."May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack andis dead.And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please helpme!"She hears avoice over the radio saying:"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I willtalk you through this andget you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with thiskind of problem.'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now giveme your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat.""O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ..." Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2013 Hehe sexist jokes "R" us! Good job we know better of you or we would sent Jess around to sort you out Link to post Share on other sites
needles 1,010 Posted January 31, 2013 Report Share Posted January 31, 2013 I'm ready and waiting Boss. Maybe a leathering from Jess would sort my back out. PS. Bring it on Jess. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted January 31, 2013 Report Share Posted January 31, 2013 I've always liked this one... Center: November Three Five Juliet, say altitude. N35J: Altitude Center: November Three Five Juleit, say airspeed. N35J: Airspeed Center: November Three Five Juleit, say "Cancel IFR" N35J: November Three Five Juliet is 7,000 feet, 185 knots. John Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2013 John, reminds me of- Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 vacating the runway" Ground: "Guten morgen Speedbird. Taxy to your gate" The BA Aircraft comes to a halt. Ground: "Speedbird 206 do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird:" Standby ground. I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground(with a hint of Germanic impatience):" Speedbird 206. Have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird:" Yes I have been several times in 1944 but we didn't land" Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted February 1, 2013 Report Share Posted February 1, 2013 PMSL ! Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,283 Posted February 1, 2013 Report Share Posted February 1, 2013 PMSL ! That was a really good one but Alan, you might need to get that problem checked at the doctors. Otherwise it will be diapers for you at the local comedy club. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Link to post Share on other sites
needles 1,010 Posted February 2, 2013 Report Share Posted February 2, 2013 Ooooh Brett! That would be a real dilemma eh. I never really got the screaming bit. It's not as if screaming is going to avert a crash, so why waste the energy. I think I would spend the time before impact on raiding the drinks trolley. Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted February 2, 2013 Report Share Posted February 2, 2013 Recently went for a burger at a vendor parked outside Tescos, After the guy had added the onions he said "would you like anything on this?" to which i replied, "Yes please, five quid each way in the 3:30 at Fontwell!" ( In case our overseas friends have no idea what I'm referring to, A big scandal has recently blown up over here regarding traces of horse meat being found in Burgers sold by some of the big supermarket chains, It was mainly in there value products and was something to do with their suppliers, the matter is still being investigated, in the meantime they cannot escape the jibes aimed at them!) Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,283 Posted February 2, 2013 Report Share Posted February 2, 2013 I think I would spend the time before impact on raiding the drinks trolley. That reminds of a time I almost got arrested on the red eye from LAX to Kennedy. Long story but did you know that stewardesses have no sense of humor. Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted February 2, 2013 Report Share Posted February 2, 2013 Talk to Rosario about Sharon Cheers, March Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted February 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2013 @Alan.. I had one of those burgers and it gave me the trots! Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted February 3, 2013 Report Share Posted February 3, 2013 Burglars like them apparently, It makes for easier getaways when they have to jump over fences! Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,283 Posted February 3, 2013 Report Share Posted February 3, 2013 But leaving a trail makes it easier for the coppers to find the hamburglar's.....(ok I admit that was a stretch, punishment is two groans and a Tesco burger) Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted February 3, 2013 Report Share Posted February 3, 2013 Doh!! LOL Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted February 3, 2013 Report Share Posted February 3, 2013 Eat too many and you'll get a little hoarse! You just have to reign in your appetite or you'll be for the high jump! Link to post Share on other sites
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