brett 2,283 Posted February 14, 2013 Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 American Intelligence........ George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficent government? Are there any tips you can give me?""Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."Bush frowns, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty...."The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brotherand it is not your sister. Who is it?"Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!" "Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer.Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who isit?"Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush."Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!" Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted February 14, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 Superb Brett! Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted February 14, 2013 Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 HaHAHAhAhA! Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted February 14, 2013 Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 Did you hear about the Irish Navy's new minesweeper, the crew refused to put to sea until the requesition order for 500 brooms had been recieved! Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted February 14, 2013 Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 A trainee pilot in the Irish Air force is pleased to be told he do his first solo, the instructor climbs out of the aircraft and looks at his pupil,"Ok" he said, "She's all yours, of you go." the aircraft lifts off and the officer watches it start to circle the field, all is well, but after 5 minutes the engine cuts out and the helo comes crashing down in a very poor autorotation. the aircraft is a total write off and the pilot is badly injured. The instructor runs over to his pupil, "what the hell happened?" he asks the dazed lad. " well sir, I was doing well I thought, but it was getting really cold in there so thought it would be an idea to turn the fan off!" Link to post Share on other sites
ddavid 149 Posted February 14, 2013 Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 Thanks Brett - my Pam enjoyed that one!! And keep 'em coming, Al' - the old ones are the best, eh?!? Cheers - Dai. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted February 14, 2013 Report Share Posted February 14, 2013 The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. John Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted February 15, 2013 Report Share Posted February 15, 2013 LOL,! Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted February 15, 2013 Report Share Posted February 15, 2013 A nice little way to worry people, When you get into a crowded lift (or elevator as Americans call them), Just casually ask if anyone remembers that scene from Speed ! You'll be surprised how quickly the thing empties out! Several saddles, harnesses and bundles of hay have been seen going into the Vatican. Rumours are now rife that the next pope will be the winner of the Grand National ! personally I think it's just horseplay! I'ts been revealed in the current meat scandal that some frozen fish pie now contains seahorse! I'm still rather sceptical as to why a pie and mash shop opened up right next door to an undertakers in Bognor Regis(It later closed and re-opened as Ricks Cafe, it's still trading......but I don't fancy trying the pies or burgers!) Link to post Share on other sites
GHAO 0 Posted February 15, 2013 Report Share Posted February 15, 2013 A busy ATC is interrupted by a fighter pilot asking to take off. The ATC inform him the airport is very busy, but if he can reach 14000ft in less than half the length of the runway, he can take-off. The ATC still say it's the most amzaing sight they've ever seen. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." If God had intended man to fly, He would not have invented the Spanish AirTraffic Control. Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,283 Posted February 15, 2013 Report Share Posted February 15, 2013 What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a modern airliner?A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is there to bite the captain if he tries to touch the controls, and the co-pilot is there to feed the dog. Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted February 15, 2013 Report Share Posted February 15, 2013 This one sent to me by an acquaintance who is a taxi driver in Birmingham. On the ASDA PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.' A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA The husband picks up a case of Tennants and puts it in their trolley. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Tennants and it's half the price.' He never knew what hit him. Cheers, March Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,283 Posted February 15, 2013 Report Share Posted February 15, 2013 Now that's funny Had to look up ASDA(supermarket chain) after reading first line. Thought is was a stand alone joke and didn't get it......until I read the rest. Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted February 15, 2013 Report Share Posted February 15, 2013 An oldie but a goodie! Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted February 16, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 16, 2013 A plane full of passengers is sitting on the runway, when two guys in flight uniforms with dark sunglasses and canes walk up the aisle to the pilots cabin. The passengers look at each other nervously, hoping that it is some sort of practical joke. When the plane starts its run-up they realise they're heading straight for a lake, and the passengers scream before the plane lifts off, narrowly missing the waters edge. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says "You know, Bob, one of these days they're going to scream too late and we are all going to die." Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted February 16, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 16, 2013 A customer asked… “In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?” The clerk asks…”Are you Irish?” The guy, clearly offended says… “Yes I am, but let me ask you something “If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?” The clerk says…”No,I probably wouldn’t.” The guy says…”Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage… “why did you ask me if I’m Irish?” The clerk replied…”Because you’re in Builders Warehouse”… Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted February 16, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 16, 2013 Removed by Joe Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted February 16, 2013 Report Share Posted February 16, 2013 LOL, didn't see that coming! Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted February 16, 2013 Report Share Posted February 16, 2013 The previous joke was funny, the cat one was not. whoever did that to an animal is just sick even if it was dead. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted February 16, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 16, 2013 Sorry Alan no offence meant, here's some right up your bridlepath! A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco Her condition is said to be stable Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had a £5 each way ! Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she's always wanted! had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night.... I still have a bit between my teeth Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn Anyone want a burger from Tesco? yay or neigh? "I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF" I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....." Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions. A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?' Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!' I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres. These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead.. Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots To beef or not to beef. That is equestrian Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is a anagram of ....SHERGARS BUM (Well almost!) Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted February 17, 2013 Report Share Posted February 17, 2013 Joe, Looks to me like the cat was BEBT (bright eyed and bushy tailed). I'd bet the pic is a photoshop job where someone has replaced the body of one of the new copter-like toys with a pic of Felix. Amazing what English Humour can come up with when somebody puts a bit of horsemeat in a burger. My $0.02 March Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,283 Posted February 17, 2013 Report Share Posted February 17, 2013 Hehe, It's amazing how many jokes come out in these types of situations(Tesco). I wonder if anyone ever got the trots from eating those burgers. @Alan- not to worry about the cat pic, it looks photoproppedshopped. Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,487 Posted February 17, 2013 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2013 Afraid not March, there are articles and other videos of him in flight but I don't want to post the youtube link and make the matter worse. Use this http://lmgtfy.com/?q=orvillecopter EDIT: I will remove the original post. Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted February 17, 2013 Report Share Posted February 17, 2013 Thanks for deleting that Joe, I wouldn't normally say anything but that pic upset Marie. I wonder how many Brits will stop putting Horseradish sauce on their beef now! Rumour has it that Sea horse has been found in frozen fish pie ! They've announced a new trophy for this years flat race season, the McDonalds Cup ! The winner was to have recieved a years supply of burgers but so far none of the runners have dare drop out! They tried to open a burger chain in ancient Troy.....but the customers kept complaining of splinters in their teeth! Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,283 Posted February 17, 2013 Report Share Posted February 17, 2013 The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on therange.Three weeks later, a horse walked up to him carrying the Bible in itsmouth.The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.He took the precious bookout of the horse's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's amiracle!""Not really," said the horse. "Your name is written inside thecover." Link to post Share on other sites
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