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What a night I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my truck: Officer: "Li

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM. Can you believe that? 2:30 AM! Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

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Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles.  Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.  A recent study was done to find out why Millennial's don't ride motorcycles:

1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat. 

2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.

3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.

4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.

5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.

6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.

7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.

8. They can't afford one because they spent 10 years in college trying to get a degree

     in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.

9. They are allergic to fresh air.

10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.

11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.

12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.

13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.

14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.

15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.

16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.

17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.

18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.

19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.

20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.

21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.

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A pet dog thinks: "They feed me, they play with me, they give me a warm comfortable place to sleep, they must be Gods!"

A pet cat thinks: "They feed me, they play with me, they give me a warm comfortable place to sleep, I must be a God!"

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  • 4 weeks later...

In the course of doing thousands of FS airport diagrams, I've collected a list of what I call...


  • CYST
  • DDT
  • ENVY
  • FLU
  • FOOL
  • GOOK
  • HEAT
  • HSSS
  • KBUM (Kaboom)
  • KILL
  • KINK
  • KLAN
  • KLIT
  • KLOT
  • KOLD
  • KRAP
  • LIED
  • LIMP
  • MRSA
  • MUNG
  • NUL
  • PAIL
  • PAIN
  • SCAR
  • SLAG
  • SLAP
  • SPAM
  • SPAY
  • SPIN
  • UASS
  • UERP
  • YECH
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While I have your attention:

Three elderly ladies are sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an older gentleman walked by. 

One of the ladies yelled out, “Hey, I bet we can guess how old you are!”

The old fellow said, “There is no way you can guess my age! I look great for my age.”

One of the women said, “Yes we can!”

“No, you can’t!”

“Can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we'll tell your exact age.”

The gentleman was embarrassed, but wanted to prove they couldn't do it. So... he dropped his drawers and let it all hang out.

The ladies asked him to turn around a few times while they looked from different angles, then had him jump up and down twice.

They then whispered back and forth for a minute, and finally one said. “You're 87-years-old.”

The fellow was stunned. Standing with his pants down around his ankles, he asked, “You’re right. WOW! How in the world could you tell?”

There was a pause, then one woman answered “Last week we were all at your birthday party.”

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  • 2 weeks later...

So after reading the full report and watching the hearings on the tube from Special Council Robert Mueller looking into collusion between US President Trump and the Russians it begs the question, if Robert Mueller was a doctor would this be his diagnosis? "While we found no cancer, we still don't have any evidence that you DON'T have cancer. We would certainly say so if we did. So Congress is free to proceed with Chemotherapy if they so choose. Also pay no attention that we had to fire two doctors on our staff for malpractice."

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I thought getting older would take longer.

A wise man once said nothing.

Respect your elders; they graduated from school without the internet.

I've decided I’m not old; I’m 25 plus shipping and handling.

Why do I have to press "1" for English? Did America move?

Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Instead of "single" as a marital status I prefer "independently owned and operated".

Vegetarian: ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can't hunt, fish or light fires!

I look at people and sometimes think..."really? That's the sperm that won?"

In my defense I was left unsupervised.

My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.

Some things are just better left unsaid. And I usually realize it right after I say them.

Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

If my body is ever found on a jogging trail just know that I was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.

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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is probably gonna get it wrong.

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