The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[CAT3508 336]

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Her Majesty awaiting the arrival of a well known ginger twat.......   One she's related to and the other now thinks he's a king!!! 

 

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Arise Sir Patrick..

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

[CAT3508 336]

Two aerials decided to get married, after the wedding the crowd said that the ceremony was not to good but the reception was great...........

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

I've come to the conclusions that cheap circumcisions are a rip off!

Edited April 26, 2020 by dodgy-alan

[CAT3508 336]

[Tim_A 995]

[Tim_A 995]

[Tristarcaptain 282]

So this is what real airline Captains do to pass the time when their plane is on autopilot!!

[brett 2,283]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money

from you, I'm doing community service this week.’

 

The florist was pleased and left the shop.

 

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you,

I'm doing community service this week.’

 

The cop was happy and left the shop

 

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

 

 Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied,

'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.’

 

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

 

 The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

 

 And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[brett 2,283]

Today I saw this headline and thought it belonged in the joke section.

Listen: Defunding Police Would Make Us Safer ...

[tomjon24 6]

What a night I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my truck:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"So, you're drunk."

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:"A motorcycle."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer:"A prostitute of course."

Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

[Tim_A 995]

[mutley 4,487]

My money is on #2 lol !

[Tim_A 995]

#7 by a whisker!

[Tristarcaptain 282]

Ha, Ha!  Good one Tim!

[Tristarcaptain 282]

This is too good to miss!!  VERY funny post from Kokomo In The Know Facebook.

 

Since I have thought about it overnight I have decided to comply with the mask mandates. After all I want to be a great Patriot and American and definitely don’t want to be selfish. So if it saves lives I’ll do it. But I need guidance from the experts on here since I am obviously clueless. Please help.

QUESTION(s):

1) After shopping at the local grocery store, do we leave the masks on once we leave or does the virus just stay in the stores?
- If we leave it on, then for how long?
- How many miles can I drive before it is safe to remove the mask?

2) What about my fingers, arms, legs, head, neck and toes? Should I disinfect them BEFORE or AFTER I remove my mask? After all they were exposed at the store.

2.1) if I touch my mask do I have to sanitize my hands
2.2) now I contaminated my hand sanitizer bottle . What do I do?

3) When we arrive home from the grocery store do we disinfect the goods and bags BEFORE we bring them inside or AFTER?
- Do I put the mask back on?

4) Once we have the goods inside do we disinfect the entire car or just the trunk?

5) Do we need to disinfect our counter tops, pantries, refrigerator, entire kitchen, the dogs (they always sniff the bags) doors we touched, the garage, driveway and street?

6) What should we do about the food and goods purchased? Do we need to disinfect all these items as well? After all they were in the grocery store exposed to all these nasty liberal viruses.

7) What should I do with my homemade fancy cloth mask? Do I burn it? It was also exposed to the nasty liberal virus at the store?

8)What about the clothes I wore to the store? Is disinfecting them ok? Do I disinfect them in the grocery store parking lot or in my garage?

9) What about my eyes? Are there special eye drops I need to take? Where do I get those?

10) After consuming the goods from the store do I need a biohazard bag for the waste? (Both trash and poop)

11) Is the juice and milk I bought safe to drink or should i disinfect it first?

12) Is there a specific shampoo to use if I get a hair cut to disinfect my hair?

13) My meds...what about my meds? Are they safe to orally consume or should I disinfect them too?

14) If I shop at a hardware store should I disinfect each screw, nut and bolt BEFORE or AFTER I put them in my project?

15) I want to paint my room but I am not sure if I should disinfect the paint BEFORE or AFTER I apply it to the walls.

16) What if I forgot to follow any of the above do I call the fire department, CDC or psychiatrist?

[brett 2,283]

My urologist’s office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone - due to the Coronavirus.
 One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test. This was to avoid those lab tests and costly charges that your doctor's tell you to get at Quest Diagnostics - and because they're shutdown too.
 Simply go outside and pee outside:-

 If ants gather: DIABETES.

 If you pee on your feet: PROSTATE

 If it smells like a barbecue: CHOLESTEROL

 If your wrist hurts when you shake it: OSTEOARTHRITIS

 If you return to your house with your willy outside your pants: ALZHEIMER'S

[brett 2,283]

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix..

 The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

 Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

 Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

 Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,:

 "Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Focus you gave a speeding ticket to last week."