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I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.
As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
Well, this year, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine.
It was held at a great Mexican restaurant. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something I've never done before...I took a taxi home.
On the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a taxi.
The real surprise to me was I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
If you want to borrow it, give me a call.

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What a night I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my truck: Officer: "Li

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An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.

The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”

The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son as as he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says
“So you train dolphins. Well your old man just hit and damaged my car. You bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”

The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”

In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Five men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.

Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad, I train Navy Seals not dolphins".

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“The CIA had an opening for one assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, three finalists remained:
two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agent took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances."

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.

The man said “You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife”.

The agent said, “Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, “You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard one after another. There were incredibly loud noises - screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman,
wiping sweat from her brow.

“The gun was loaded with blanks” she said. "…I had to kill him with the chair…” 

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Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on......

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why they show us where to apply Colgate and never show you where sanitary pads are used?

Do you ever read long-winded posts on Facebook and then wonder why you ever bothered when you get to the end....?

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Momma had ta werk an extry shift at da coal mine, so me an my sis jumped on our ole mule, Flame. She is a sturdy specimen, fine fir pullin da plow an taken out stumps, we only uses the mule ta get round on though. Anyways, me an sis headed to da local diner to gets sum dinner. We was just sittin there eatin an we heared this lady a hind us coughin real hard. I turned round and said, “hey lady, can ya swaller?” She just shaked her head back an furth and I said, “hey lady cans ya breathe?” She just shaked her head back an furth an keeped on coughin an a strarted turnin blue! Knowin just what ta do, I jumped up, ran over an pulled up her dress.. Then I a licked her right good'n on da butt cheek. Da lady went crazy, pulled her dress down an turned ta run down da aisle. She tripped over her own feet an fell on da floor an a big chunk a meat flyed outa her mouth an she could breathe again. Feelin proud I went back to our table an sis said to me, “I heared a dat Hind Lick newver afore, but never seed it done!” It shur do werks!

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My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM. Can you believe that? 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.

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 We had a power outage yesterday and my PC, TV and of course my FlightSim was shut down immediately; it was raining - I couldn't take the dog for a walk or go play some golf, so I talked to my wife for a few hours.
She seems like a nice person.

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