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What a night I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my truck: Officer: "Li

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A young woman started work in the small English village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

"Look" said the Chemist. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms; they ask for either:- a No 310 (small); or a No 320 (medium) or a No 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned"

The first day was fine, but on the second day a large black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.

The girl panicked. 
She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Look. Go back in and see if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," said the Chemist.

She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!" she shouted down the phone. "He's got one hanging there!"

The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ... He's the window cleaner!" 

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The elderly lady handed her bank card to the teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £10”.
The teller told her “For withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.

The lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “These are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”.

The lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.

She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “You have £300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?

The lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her ‘Any amount up to £3,000’.

“Well please let me have £3,000 now.”

The teller kindly handed £3,000, very friendly now, and with a smile to her.

The lady put £10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit £2,990 back into her account.

The moral of this story is .... ‘Don’t be difficult with seniors, we spent a lifetime learning the skill’.

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12 hours ago, brett said:

I'll keep reading that one Joe, maybe hoping I'll understand it.

A perch is a place where birds sit and a Perch is also a kind of fish.

You're welcome 😁

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11 hours ago, mutley said:

A perch is a place where birds sit and a Perch is also a kind of fish.

You're welcome 😁

:fool: Thank You. 

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and country bumpkin from outside Dublin found themselves in a pub with no other guests. The Englishman stepped forward and said, "Hello! I'm George, born on St. George’s Day, so my parents called me George after the Patron Saint of England!"
"That's uncanny, said the Scotsman, "my name is Andrew, and mine named me on St Andrew's Day, too!
The face of the farmer from Ireland lit up and said, "Heaven above! Amazing! Guess what...!"
Before he could answer, they both said, "Don't tell, it's Patrick, right?"
"No, he answered, it's Pancake."

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So Stevie Nix turned down a marriage proposal from Capt. Kirk/William Shatner... Turns out she couldn't face being known as Stevie Shatner Nix...

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  • 1 month later...

After stopping a mugger and protecting his girlfriend, a Marine reflected on his actions and decided the criminal deserved an apology.
 

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously, you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it?!

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with crap in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb ….. after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.

I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Semper Fi

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