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Showing content with the highest reputation since 13/08/19 in all areas

  1. 4 points
    So, a passenger taps his taxi driver on the shoulder. The driver shits himself, swerves, nearly hits a bus, and stops inches from a shop window. "F**k me, you're jumpy aren't you?" says the passenger, "I only tapped your shoulder." "Sorry," the cabbie replies. "It's my first day. I've been driving a hearse for the last 20 years."
  2. 4 points
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  4. 3 points
    What a night I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my truck: Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!" Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything." Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?" Me: "A car." Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?" Me:"I have no idea!" Officer:"So, you're drunk." Me:"But I didn't drink anything." Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it? Me:"A motorcycle." Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?" Me:"I have no idea!" Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!" Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question. Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?" Officer:"A prostitute of course." Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?" Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
  5. 3 points
    Apologies if you have already seen these here 10. I know a great joke about Corona Virus, you probably won't get it though. 9. A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus" 8. If I get quarantined for two weeks with my wife and I die. I can assure you it was not the virus that killed me. 7. With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together. 6. I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?" She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner" I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here" 5. *Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case". The whole lot collapsed and buried him. 4. Thinking a mask is going to stop Covid-19 is the same as thinking that your underpants will protect everyone from a fart. 3. Since everybody has now started washing their hands, the peanuts at the bar have lost their taste. 2. They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else has clothes on. 1. Before Corona Virus I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.
  6. 3 points
    Chinese citizen asked for his opinion on how his government had performed handling the virus... "I can't say." - - - Coronavirus arrives in the US. Mexico: So, about that wall.... - - - I know a great joke about Corona Virus, you probably won't get it though. - - - Seen on-line: We are 11 days into self-isolation and it is really upsetting to see my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly with tears running down her cheeks. I've considered letting her in many times but rules are rules. - - -
  7. 3 points
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  9. 3 points
    Day 9 of the quarantine: My wife called out from the other room and asked if I ever get a stabbing pain in my chest like someone has a voodoo doll of me and is stabbing it. I replied, "No." She responded, "How about now?"
  10. 3 points
    I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store. They open at 8:00 with one hour designated for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
  11. 3 points
  12. 3 points
  13. 3 points
    There's a new cough remedy to make Kung Flu patients less contagious to others. They give them a quart (OK, a liter) of prune juice and they don't dare cough.
  14. 3 points
    As our very own Needles would say...
  15. 3 points
    A chap on a tractor drove past today, he was shouting "it's the end of the world", "it's the end of the world". I think it was Farmer Geddon!
  16. 3 points
    Donald Trump was having afternoon tea with Queen Elizabeth in Buckingham Palace, outlining his plans for the future of the USA."As I'm the President" said Trump, "I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom", to which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."Donal Trump thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Trump". Donald thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"The Queen, getting a little p****d off by now replied "Sorry again, Mr Trump, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."Before The Donald could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".
  17. 3 points
    I have the mind of a criminal genius. I keep it in the freezer next to Mother....
  18. 3 points
    Brings back memories of the "trusty" Yugo. The first car to have a heated rear window; solely for the purpose of keeping your hands warm while you pushed it.
  19. 2 points
    I've not had chance to install it yet but it does have quite a few fixes included, so definitely worth checking out.
  20. 2 points
    Located in the North West of UK just south of Manchester seen here in XP11 toth Orbx TE UK Central. Cessna_172SP - 2020-07-12 15.50.39 by Philip Whitehead, on Flickr Cessna_172SP - 2020-07-12 15.50.19 by Philip Whitehead, on Flickr Cessna_172SP - 2020-07-12 15.49.49 by Philip Whitehead, on Flickr Cessna_172SP - 2020-07-12 15.44.48 by Philip Whitehead, on Flickr
  21. 2 points
  22. 2 points
    Eastern Express(Ex-Frog) Bristol 175 Britannia C.2, RAF Lyneham, 1960. In 1960, the year I was born, my late Dad built the Frog boxing of this kit, He made a really good job of it and the photo shows me in his arms when I was about 2 weeks old. Then when I was about 3 he gave me the model, (once it had been drummed into me that I HAD to look after my toys.) As a 3 year old it seemed enormous! It became my first ever model and the progenitor of what became a lifelong hobby. Scroll forward to now and a year or so ago I came across this boxing of the same kit. I couldn't get the BOAC markings for it but Frog had in fact released the RAF Support Command version at the same time. I just finished building the kit after a couple of weeks work. (It's still bloody enormous!LOL) I've built the model as a tribute to my Dad and the hobby he started me off on. Rest in peace Dad. Thanks for viewing
  23. 2 points
  24. 2 points
    Living in the Golden Horseshoe region of Southern Ontario allows me to fly over Niagara Falls fairly often. I put this video together to illustrate the flight rules and procedures that must be followed with a few scenic points of interest. Video was captured with a GoPro mounted to the underside of the right wing.
  25. 2 points
  26. 2 points
    Seen on-line: I told my wife how thankful I am to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with. She said, "Must be nice." - - - Overheard phone conversation... "Hello, virus hot-line? I'd like to report someone not living in fear." - - - Covid 19 or Covid 1984? - - - Millions of dogs are wondering why all their humans have been muzzled. - - -
  27. 2 points
    Ah the famous Chinese actor Donald Presence. The Great Escape and many more films. lol
  28. 2 points
    ...whether tis nobler in the lav to suffer the turds and floaters of outrageous curry, or to take arms against a sea of piss and by farting end them... (sorry, but you had to go there
  29. 2 points
    You must be old . . . they were 2p in my day!!
  30. 2 points
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  33. 2 points
    In a bid to cut down on close contact, my FSX airliners will now be flying empty !
  34. 2 points
    A wife treats hubby by taking him to a strip club for his birthday...At the club, the Doorman says, "Hi Jim how are you?" The wife asks, "How does he know you?" Jim says "Oh dear, I play football with him" Inside the bartender says, "The usual, Jim?" Jim says to wife, "Before you say anything, he's on the Darts Team" Next a Stripper says, "Hi Jim, do you crave the special again??" The wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps in a Taxi. The Taxi Driver says, "Hey Jimmy boy! you picked up an ugly one this time" Jims funeral is on Sunday!!!
  35. 2 points
  36. 2 points
    The inventor of AutoCorrect is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right off.
  37. 2 points
    A blonde drops off her dress at the dry cleanersThe shop assistant says, thanks, "Come Again!"The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."
  38. 2 points
    Mnmm just teasing out a Pipistrelle from my teeth.. oh, I see what you mean
  39. 2 points
    I can't get no ... (Andrex toilet tissue, Kleenex, hand gel etc. etc.) Rolling Stones
  40. 2 points
    Superb, I actually have photos of the real Graf Zeppelin when she flew over Hounslow in West London, My late Aunt took them. The original has a telegraph wire going through it but with a bit of careful editing this has been removed.
  41. 2 points
    It seems I should have deleted all Partitions on the Boot drive prior to conversion. Then installed W10...etc, etc. Having installed Windows twice already, have decided to leave as is, 2TB. Life's too short.
  42. 2 points
    Democrats unveil their plans for a leaner USAF.
  43. 2 points
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  45. 2 points
    Okay. Probably best to draw a line under Alan's efforts before before folks get too anal about the comments above and take offence. I am still going to give it to Alan for his service description above. Over to you Alan!
  46. 2 points
    Welcome to Trans-Gender Airways Can I say that?
  47. 2 points
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  49. 2 points
    I thought getting older would take longer. A wise man once said nothing. Respect your elders; they graduated from school without the internet. I've decided I’m not old; I’m 25 plus shipping and handling. Why do I have to press "1" for English? Did America move? Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong. Instead of "single" as a marital status I prefer "independently owned and operated". Vegetarian: ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can't hunt, fish or light fires! I look at people and sometimes think..."really? That's the sperm that won?" In my defense I was left unsupervised. My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road. Some things are just better left unsaid. And I usually realize it right after I say them. Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person. If my body is ever found on a jogging trail just know that I was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.
  50. 2 points
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