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Showing content with the highest reputation since 29/05/19 in all areas

  1. 4 points
    So, a passenger taps his taxi driver on the shoulder. The driver shits himself, swerves, nearly hits a bus, and stops inches from a shop window. "F**k me, you're jumpy aren't you?" says the passenger, "I only tapped your shoulder." "Sorry," the cabbie replies. "It's my first day. I've been driving a hearse for the last 20 years."
  2. 4 points
  3. 3 points
    Apologies if you have already seen these here 10. I know a great joke about Corona Virus, you probably won't get it though. 9. A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus" 8. If I get quarantined for two weeks with my wife and I die. I can assure you it was not the virus that killed me. 7. With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together. 6. I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?" She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner" I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here" 5. *Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case". The whole lot collapsed and buried him. 4. Thinking a mask is going to stop Covid-19 is the same as thinking that your underpants will protect everyone from a fart. 3. Since everybody has now started washing their hands, the peanuts at the bar have lost their taste. 2. They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else has clothes on. 1. Before Corona Virus I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.
  4. 3 points
    Chinese citizen asked for his opinion on how his government had performed handling the virus... "I can't say." - - - Coronavirus arrives in the US. Mexico: So, about that wall.... - - - I know a great joke about Corona Virus, you probably won't get it though. - - - Seen on-line: We are 11 days into self-isolation and it is really upsetting to see my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly with tears running down her cheeks. I've considered letting her in many times but rules are rules. - - -
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  7. 3 points
    Day 9 of the quarantine: My wife called out from the other room and asked if I ever get a stabbing pain in my chest like someone has a voodoo doll of me and is stabbing it. I replied, "No." She responded, "How about now?"
  8. 3 points
    I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store. They open at 8:00 with one hour designated for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
  9. 3 points
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  11. 3 points
    There's a new cough remedy to make Kung Flu patients less contagious to others. They give them a quart (OK, a liter) of prune juice and they don't dare cough.
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  13. 3 points
    A chap on a tractor drove past today, he was shouting "it's the end of the world", "it's the end of the world". I think it was Farmer Geddon!
  14. 3 points
    Donald Trump was having afternoon tea with Queen Elizabeth in Buckingham Palace, outlining his plans for the future of the USA."As I'm the President" said Trump, "I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom", to which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."Donal Trump thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Trump". Donald thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"The Queen, getting a little p****d off by now replied "Sorry again, Mr Trump, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."Before The Donald could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".
  15. 3 points
    I have the mind of a criminal genius. I keep it in the freezer next to Mother....
  16. 3 points
    Brings back memories of the "trusty" Yugo. The first car to have a heated rear window; solely for the purpose of keeping your hands warm while you pushed it.
  17. 3 points
  18. 3 points
    Want to stop drunk drivers from killing sober drivers, ban sober drivers from driving, after all isn't that how gun control works.
  19. 3 points
  20. 3 points
    HARLEY DAVIDSON SPEAKS TO "DECLINING BIKE SALES" Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all. A recent study was done to find out why Millennial's don't ride motorcycles: 1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat. 2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on. 3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving. 4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one. 5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped. 6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care. 7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning. 8. They can't afford one because they spent 10 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available. 9. They are allergic to fresh air. 10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes. 11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil. 12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen. 13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch. 14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding. 15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did. 16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes. 17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield. 18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up. 19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face. 20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water. 21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy. 22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.
  21. 2 points
    Living in the Golden Horseshoe region of Southern Ontario allows me to fly over Niagara Falls fairly often. I put this video together to illustrate the flight rules and procedures that must be followed with a few scenic points of interest. Video was captured with a GoPro mounted to the underside of the right wing.
  22. 2 points
    Names I like: Covid 1984 Kung Flu Chinese Lung Rot Winnie the Flu Bat Soup Fever Fu Man (Ah) Chu - - - Quarantine is when you restrict the movement of sick people. Tyranny is when you restrict the movement of healthy people. - - - Seen on-line: Now that I've experienced a real plague I understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are mostly of fat naked people on couches. - - - New logic Swiss cheese - not racist Italian sausage - not racist Brazilian wax - not racist Belgian Waffle - not racist Cuban sandwich - not racist English bulldog - not racist Irish coffee - not racist Roman candle - not racist Pekingese - not racist Spanish flu - not racist Chinese food - not racist French braid - not racist German potato salad - not racist Russian roulette - not racist Indian casino - not racist Canadian bacon - not racist Irish whisky - not racist Mexican food - not racist Labrador retriever - not racist Brazilian steak house - not racist French kiss - not racist Egyptian cotton - not racist Italian dressing - not racist Irish setter - not racist Colombian coffee - not racist English muffin - not racist Spanish inquisition - not racist Roman catholic - not racist Danish pastry - not racist Scottish fling - not racist Turkish delight - not racist Singapore sling - not racist Manchurian candidate - not racist Scotch whisky - not racist French poodle - not racist Scotch pine - not racist Chinese flu - RACIST
  23. 2 points
  24. 2 points
    ...whether tis nobler in the lav to suffer the turds and floaters of outrageous curry, or to take arms against a sea of piss and by farting end them... (sorry, but you had to go there
  25. 2 points
    The media is reporting the ratio of males to females who are getting the Chinese plague. Apparently the other 57 genders are immune. Need another reason to avoid shaking hands? Remember that many people are out of toilet paper. Seen on-line... “To those turning in your neighbors and local businesses — you did the Reich thing.”
  26. 2 points
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  29. 2 points
    Did not wait. Return from Courchevel.
  30. 2 points
  31. 2 points
    Borrowing from Dodgy's digital sig, Deja Flu, that feeling we've been infected by something from China before... John
  32. 2 points
    Psttt....Neil. You gonna give us all a laugh and post a picture of you in that leotard!!!!!
  33. 2 points
    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
  34. 2 points
  35. 2 points
    Two husbands were having a conversation, first guy (proudly): "My wife's an Angel !" Second guy : "You're lucky, mines still alive."
  36. 2 points
    Another one bites the dust - Queen
  37. 2 points
    Superb, I actually have photos of the real Graf Zeppelin when she flew over Hounslow in West London, My late Aunt took them. The original has a telegraph wire going through it but with a bit of careful editing this has been removed.
  38. 2 points
    Democrats unveil their plans for a leaner USAF.
  39. 2 points
  40. 2 points
    Climate change is such a joke, even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up
  41. 2 points
    "Why is it a plane full of Flight Simmers actually DO know more than the bloody Captain?"
  42. 2 points
    Happy bir... er, Christmas from me too!
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  45. 2 points
    A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!" The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is probably gonna get it wrong.
  46. 2 points
    I thought getting older would take longer. A wise man once said nothing. Respect your elders; they graduated from school without the internet. I've decided I’m not old; I’m 25 plus shipping and handling. Why do I have to press "1" for English? Did America move? Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong. Instead of "single" as a marital status I prefer "independently owned and operated". Vegetarian: ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can't hunt, fish or light fires! I look at people and sometimes think..."really? That's the sperm that won?" In my defense I was left unsupervised. My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road. Some things are just better left unsaid. And I usually realize it right after I say them. Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person. If my body is ever found on a jogging trail just know that I was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.
  47. 2 points
  48. 2 points
    The ability to call up the ATC and declare an emergency, so that procedures swing into action to get you down safely etc and send out the fire trucks when you do so! Something you cannot do with FSX.
  49. 2 points
    Auntie Ju ought to have been able to set off magnetic mines all by herself, probably from an altitude of 500', without needing all that magnetic crap. It's not like she needed more drag or anything to make her slower or uglier. John
  50. 2 points
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