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allardjd

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Everything posted by allardjd

  1. Names I like: Covid 1984 Kung Flu Chinese Lung Rot Winnie the Flu Bat Soup Fever Fu Man (Ah) Chu - - - Quarantine is when you restrict the movement of sick people. Tyranny is when you restrict the movement of healthy people. - - - Seen on-line: Now that I've experienced a real plague I understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are mostly of fat naked people on couches. - - - New logic Swiss cheese - not racist Italian sausage - not racist Brazilian wax - not racist Belgian Waffle - not racist
  2. Seen on-line: I told my wife how thankful I am to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with. She said, "Must be nice." - - - Overheard phone conversation... "Hello, virus hot-line? I'd like to report someone not living in fear." - - - Covid 19 or Covid 1984? - - - Millions of dogs are wondering why all their humans have been muzzled. - - -
  3. Chinese citizen asked for his opinion on how his government had performed handling the virus... "I can't say." - - - Coronavirus arrives in the US. Mexico: So, about that wall.... - - - I know a great joke about Corona Virus, you probably won't get it though. - - - Seen on-line: We are 11 days into self-isolation and it is really upsetting to see my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly with tears running down her cheeks. I've considered letting her in many times but rules are rules. - - -
  4. Idea for the authorities: Let Chik-fil-A administer testing at their drive-through windows. The entire country would be tested by midnight, unless done on a Sunday. - - - A Panda feeds for approximately 12 hours per day. It's the same for a quarantined adult human, which is why it's called a pandemic. - - - Governor Whitmer of Michigan has relented a little and will now permit Michigan residents to leave their homes to get their fish shanties off the lakes anytime after May 1.
  5. Coffee filters can be used to make face masks - a coughy filter, I guess. Homeschool Day 5: I wonder how I can get this kid transferred out of my class? Homeschool Day 6: Two students suspended for fighting; one teacher fired for drinking on the job. Dark humor is like the Chinese Lung Rot - not everyone gets it.
  6. Lonely? Glue a coffee cup to your car roof. Every one will wave at you. - - - The doc says I should spend an hour a day on the treadmill. Have you ever tried to sleep on one of them? It's really uncomfortable but a yoga pad on the belt and a pillow and blanket help a little. - - -
  7. The media is reporting the ratio of males to females who are getting the Chinese plague. Apparently the other 57 genders are immune. Need another reason to avoid shaking hands? Remember that many people are out of toilet paper. Seen on-line... β€œTo those turning in your neighbors and local businesses β€” you did the Reich thing.”
  8. Best answer to "What was your biggest waste of money?" A: A 2020 Day planner
  9. Hmm - Tracy or Yoko? I'll pass on both. That decision took about four microseconds.
  10. Day 7 of self-isolation: Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems nice. He's a web designer. They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store. They lied - everyone else had clothes on. My body has absorbed so much disinfectant lately I can clean the toilet by peeing.
  11. How is everyone enjoying the 30-day free trial of Socialism?
  12. Sorry, I'm self-isolating and can't go on your guilt trip. After I'm out of isolation, I'm pretty sure I can find another reason not to. Maybe nature is telling us not to eat bats and snakes and pangolins and to not lie to other nations about infectious diseases.
  13. For the first time in history, we can save the human race by laying in front of the television and doing nothing. Lets not screw this up, people.
  14. Day 9 of the quarantine: My wife called out from the other room and asked if I ever get a stabbing pain in my chest like someone has a voodoo doll of me and is stabbing it. I replied, "No." She responded, "How about now?"
  15. Lots of people seem willing to assume the worst intentions on the part of others doing something/anything/nothing. People are spring loaded to the pissed-off position, while they personally are lily white in all they do. Sure am glad I'm not like that... John
  16. I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store. They open at 8:00 with one hour designated for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
  17. Don't throw away those old socks, unless the holes are in the toe.
  18. New dietary recommendations for Kung Flu patients - they're limiting them to pizza and pancakes, because those are the only foods that they can slide under the door.
  19. There's a new cough remedy to make Kung Flu patients less contagious to others. They give them a quart (OK, a liter) of prune juice and they don't dare cough.
  20. Borrowing from Dodgy's digital sig, Deja Flu, that feeling we've been infected by something from China before... John
  21. Heard a psychiatrist on TV say to have inner peace during these uncertain times that we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house for things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Scotch, a bottle of Tequila, a bodle of some old Pinot, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. You haf no idr how fablus I fele rite now. Sned this to alll who neeed inner piss. An telum u luvum.
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