Jump to content
mutley

The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

Recommended Posts

I was chatting to a guy the other day about childrens names. I mentioned about some people naming theirs after the places they were conceived, i.e. Brooklyn, Paris, etc. He replied, "Yeah we did that as well. We've got 2 boys and a girl, their names are, Transit Van, Tescos Car Park and Cineworld Basildon! 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, dodgy-alan said:

I was chatting to a guy the other day about childrens names. I mentioned about some people naming theirs after the places they were conceived, i.e. Brooklyn, Paris, etc. He replied, "Yeah we did that as well. We've got 2 boys and a girl, their names are, Transit Van, Tescos Car Park and Cineworld Basildon! 

 

 

^Aviationing that up a bit^

 

Louie Conomy

Cock Pitt

Pi Lot Barr

TSA Felt Alott

 

 

 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Booked a table for two for a romantic date tonight with Kate.

 

She hasn't played snooker before, I hopes she likes it.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A chess player is wandering around the city between games at a weekend tournament, when he is approached by a hooker.

 

"Hello love, fancy a good time?" she says.

 

"You bet!" he says, taking out a pocket set "What's your grading?"

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Rapper Will I Am has discovered has relatives in both Yorkshire and Ireland. The one in Yorkshire is called Will E Eckerslike and the Irish one is Will Oil Beef Hooked!

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mats post reminded me of that infamous barmaid, contactable at:

 

Mary Likesit

The Cock

Welwyn

Tillit

Herts.

 

Can I say that here? it is only an address after all.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Talking of names, A UK program comedy chat show called The last leg showed a clip of a guy being interviewed by a US TV program.

 

The mans name was Mike Litoris

 

Apparently he was hard to find.

 

 

Edited by J G
Updated with video

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Holdit said:

A recent study has shown that six out of seven dwarves aren't happy.

The seven dwarfs were in the bath all feeling Happy. When Happy got out they all felt Grumpy.

Edited by hifly

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A thief fell into the combine harvester he was attempting to steal.

 

Police say he'll be baled tomorrow.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A Cop was having a bad day, and arrested a minority without grounds simply for being Black.

 

After a week in jail, his Public Defender was able to get him a plee deal and reduced the charges to "Brown" with a small fine..demonstrating that it is still possible for a minority to beat an unlawful arrest and get out of the US justice system without a felony if they are Asian.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Childbirth at 65

 

With all the new technology regarding
fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give

birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded.

'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him, O.K.?'

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

God gives children to young people for two reasons...

 

They're stronger, and they don't know any better.

 

John

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Centre and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!

This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 24/02/2017 at 19:44, Philmurfin said:

what's the name of the Spanish man who had his vehicle stolen?

Carloss

What's the name of the Greek paratrooper?

Con Descending

What's the name of the Greek bloke who always argued?

Con Tensious

Edited by eland2705
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Mexican workman - Manual Labor

 

Chinese manure spreader - Hee Flung Dung

 

....and who could forget the fictitious, tongue-in-cheek crew names published after the Asiana crash at KSFO...

 

  • Sum Ting Wong
  • Wi Tu Lo
  • Ho Lee Fuk
  • Bang Ding Ow
  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The nationalities of three men at a brothel - one entering, one being serviced, one leaving.

 

  • Russian
  • Himalayan
  • Finnish
  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
50 minutes ago, allardjd said:

Mexican workman - Manual Labor

 

Chinese manure spreader - Hee Flung Dung

 

....and who could forget the fictitious, tongue-in-cheek crew names published after the Asiana crash at KSFO...

 

  • Sum Ting Wong
  • Wi Tu Lo
  • Ho Lee Fuk
  • Bang Ding Ow

You are so bad John! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The Art Of Conversing With Spouse

 

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband 
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" 

"No" said her husband. 

She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three 
buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her 
cleavage created by a soft, silky pushup bra and pulled 
out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. 

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and 
smiled approvingly. 

She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all 
crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone 
in his voice. 

She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her 
skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties 
and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. 

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started 
breathing a little quicker with anticipation. 

"Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars 
all crumpled up?" 

"No way" he said becoming even more aroused and 
excited to which she replied: 

"Go look in the garage."

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×