Jump to content
mutley

The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

Recommended Posts

A rather ‘frustrated’ woman went to the supermarket to try
to take her mind off her overly erotic thoughts.
As she moved through the aisles she saw bananas and
apples and so many things that made her recall
rather than forget her erotic mood.
She ended up buying far more than she needed.
When she arrived at the checkout there was a young man packing bags.
As he packed her bags his muscles
gleamed under the fluorescent lights and she could make out the
contours of his fit body under his tight
T-shirt and trousers. She could hardly control herself.
After she paid she asked the young man if he could help her to her
car with her many heavy bags of groceries.
The young man willingly obliged.
As they walked through the carpark the lady finally lost control.
She placed her hand on the young man’s bum and said “I have an itchy pussy”.
To which the young man replied
“You’ll have to show me where it is ’cause all these Japanese cars look the same to me”

  • Haha 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
A new Red Indian baby was born with one bollock. In the time honoured tradition he was named Onestone! When Onestone reached manhood he was getting very pissed off at being called Onestone so he stood on the speakers rock and said that he would kill anyone else who called him Onestone from that day onwards. A few days later a beautiful squaw called Blue Bird comes to the village, sees him and shouts, hi there Onestone, how is it hanging?
Well Onestone loses it, drags her into his Teepee and shags her solidly for two whole days and two whole nights until she dies of exhaustion!
A couple of weeks later, another young beauty called Yellow Bird arrives and you have guessed it, shouts hi there Onestone! He grabs her by the hair, drags her off and shags her for a solid week and she just sighs and begs for more. Well old Onestone cannot fathom this so goes off to the wise and venerable chief and asks him why the **** she has survived to which the chief replies,

You heap big idiot, everyone knows that you cannot kill two birds with Onestone!
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A young Red Indian boy asks his father, "tell me father, how do we get our names?"  The the father looks at him and says,  "Well it's it's easy, as soon as the baby is born, the Shaman looks out of the teepee and the first thing he sees is what becomes your name,  Hence your sister is called Bluebird, your grandfather is Golden Eagle, etc etc, anyway why do you ask Two Dogs Shagging?

Edited by dodgy-alan
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A young chinese boy one day asks his father,  " Father , how do we get our names? " His father replies, "When you are born, I take all of the cutlery out of the draw and throw it in the air and as it lands on the floor, the first three noises become your name, Hence your sister is Ying, Twang Tonk, Your mother is Ping Ting Yong etc. " The boy looks puzzled, "Well I get the idea, but why am I called, Yang Twang Bugger, The Knife's Stuck In My Foot?"

Edited by dodgy-alan

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

American Football and the Blonde

 

 

 

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best -- because it finally makes sense of American football!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game,  and they had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, “Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!”

 

“I'm like, hello there, it's only 25 cents!"

  • Haha 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A new Presidential Service Medal has been minted to honor those who have "Fallen" under Trump's Cabinet Bus.

 

I present The Purple Fart:

 

PurpleFart.jpg

Edited by Captain Coffee
Spelink...ty John :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

I present The Puple Fart:

 

By a student?  Check the spelling.  I believe the deadliest ones are probably yellow-green anyway.

 

I guess HRC gets the first one, and maybe Harvey Weinstein and Anthony Weiner should be awarded them with Fig Leaf clusters.  

 

John

 

EDIT:  The Victoria's Secret Cross, awarded to FDR (posthumously), the Kennedy brothers (also posthumously), John Profumo, Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner, John Edwards, Silvio Berlusconi, Harvey Weinstein, Roman Polanski, Woody Allen, Bill Cosby...

 

y4maAQGIoEwRbPJeqqzbs2QJvbixvHQYR1zRVW_h

 

EDIT EDIT:  How could I have forgotten Michael Jackson?

 

 

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
46 minutes ago, J G said:

Hmmmm.  Sounds more like the VD than the VC

 

You get a cluster for that, and of course a discharge.

 

 

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, allardjd said:

 

You get a cluster for that, and of course a discharge.

 

 

 

Yes, so I recall.  Still there are lots of people just itching to get one. I understand that a certain Private Parts has been awarded this medal more than anyone else.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you heard about the brand new car just unveiled in Portugal today? Apparently it's got so much boot space you could fit a small child in there. They're calling it the Renault McCann.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
57 minutes ago, ChrisE91 said:

Have you heard about the brand new car just unveiled in Portugal today? Apparently it's got so much boot space you could fit a small child in there. They're calling it the Renault McCann.

 

I don't know whether to laugh or cry (or both) at that one.. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Like the old comedy skit about the scandinavian tourist who goes into the chemist's shop for deodorant:

"Oh, helooo, I am wanting some deodorant, please."

"Ball or aerosol?"

"Neither, I want it for my armpits."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, CAT3508 said:

23032692_10214825294369790_749738825508051989_n.jpg?oh=030c163adb864c3579a900e2063fdad4&oe=5A65D849

 

This is actually a hilarious coded joke intended for our AI overlord, who is hiding on the Mutley servers biding it's time to reveal itself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

This little news tidbit showed up in my Social Media feed, and I had to crack a joke about it.

 

 

The Managers stress that one should apply ALL 10 Condiments, however they admit that most customers tend to pick and choose.

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/article/41997936/greggs-sorry-for-swapping-jesus-for-sausage-roll-in-nativity-scene

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby Memphis church, I decided

to check them out in person and see what it was all about.
I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.

He laid his hands on my hand and said: 'By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today.' I told

him I was not paralyzed. Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: 'By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you

will walk today.' Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside and Lo and Behold,

my car had been stolen….

  • Like 2
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×