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The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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A 77 year old man is having a drink in a bar. Suddenly this gorgeous girl walks in and sits down a few seats away from him. The girl is so good looking that he just can't take his eyes off of her.

After a short while, the girl notices him staring at her, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. But I want $100, and there's a condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.   "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words"  The man takes a moment to consider the offer from this goregous woman.

He then whips out his wallet and puts ten - $10 bills in her outstretched hand.  He then looks her square in her eyes, and says slowly and clearly:

"Paint my house."

(You see our needs change as we get older!).

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How To wash a Cat

1. Put both toilet lids up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the loud noises, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between here and the front door.

7. Standing behind as far as you can, quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out, streak through the room and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Edited by Lucy.P
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And a reminder for dyslexics, don't forget the cocks go back tomorrow.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again decided to leave a note saying

"I've had enough and left you, don't bother coming after me" and hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom, she could see him walking towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone; "she's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to pick you up, put on the sexy French shirt, I love you".

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote;


"I can see your feet. Stop being an idiot, we're outta bread, throw the kettle on, back in five".

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Apparently singer Meghan Trainor has just signed a contract to work in the Shippam's Meat Product factory here in Chichester,  The money is't brilliant, but as she said herself, "It's all about the Paste, 'bout the paste!"

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An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up. 

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" 

She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone. 

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.

 

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I had a dream about Suggs last night.

Is this the first sign of madness?

Edited by Lucy.P
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Some mornings I wake up bitchy

Other mornings I let her sleep. :fool:

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*** MAN RULES ***

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grrr, what does it look like.

10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Lewis Hamilton do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

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Adenda to that last one, 

Shopping , Wife takes best part of an hour in Tescos, Me in and out like a ninja, 5 minutes get in , get what you came for, get out. 

 

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Ritz Hotels latest advertising slogan.......??

 

'Come and stay at the Ritz......you'd be crackers not to'!!!

Edited by Tristarcaptain

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LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

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y4mr3voQ818O93huj2O_0L-QhdoUF9WHd3lUCcB8

 

OK - full disclosure here - 71, in my case.  I can't imagine why anyone would have taken the time to do that.

John

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Does anyone know if it's possible to have a skin graft from a buttock to donate to someone who isn't a relative?

Just arse skin for a friend

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What is the difference between Donald trump and a worm?

One is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought; the other one actually shows up when it rains

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