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The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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A guy wrote on his FaceBook page: "Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but I acted responsibly and took an Uber."
400 likes, 40 comments. The best comment was from his best friend: "Where did you go in Uber bro, party was at your house."

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LAST RIDE ON MY HARLEY
 
 
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
 
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
 
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
 
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
 
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
 
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
 
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
 
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
 
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
 
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
 
 
"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess."
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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

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