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The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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The  Great Australian Drover

 

Drover:  "Give me three packets of condoms,  please."

 

Cashier: "Do you need a  paper bag with that,  sir?"

 

Drover:  "Nahmate.... She ain't that  ugly."

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More non PC comments...

 

 

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did.....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything –
Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."
-----------------------------------------------------------
On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalian, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer.
They've sent my form back.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.
 
As you were ...
 

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SCHOOL 1977 vs. SCHOOL 2014


Scenario: Jack goes duck hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1977 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2014 - School goes into lockdown, the Feds and ATF are called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2014- Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. < B>
2014 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra district funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1977 - Billy is more care ful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2014 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1977 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2014 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.
1977 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2014 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Lawyers file class action lawsuit against the public school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover 4th of July firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 - Ants die.
2014 - FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. They investigate his parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2014- Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
 

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Alan, how could you. ;)

A man received the following text message from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to

confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not

around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's

no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will

accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed

his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Bloody autospell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . . .

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P's me off that I can't find a pair of 30"x34" jeans on a store rack (or preferably 29"x35"...but not holding my breath for that). Seriously, NO ONE makes skinny clothes for Americans.

You can find 44"x30" jeans...i've seen 50"x28" pants before, but I'm farked if I can even find a pair of 30" waist in adult sizes in a pant leg over 30", or 30"+ legs in kids sizes...

 

In the USA we all wear Square Pants or Wide Bottom knickers? Really?

Where is the encouragement to lose all that weight Americans are putting on if there is nothing for them to wear once they get there?

 

~Cpt. Floods AKA Cpt Saggy Bottoms.

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Matt, try Levi 501s, been wearing them since prehistoric times, I'm sure you could get them in your size.

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"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."

The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.

"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"

"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.

Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."

Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.

"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.

"You want to die?" asks the doctor.

"But...how do I pee?"

"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"

"What?"

"Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"

The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"

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I just have to share this with you lot!

 

This is what happens when someone moves from a lake to the ocean:

 

i-QV6r8ph-L.jpg

 

Got back this morning to Cowichan Bay with the boat and found this next door. When boating on the ocean it is ALWAYS better to tie one's boat to the floating portion of the dock system.

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the boat behind is a beaut. :thum:

 

@hifly, I think it started life as a British Narrowboat. The thing can't be more than eight feet wide, but it's about fifty feet long.

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the boat behind is a beaut. :thum:

 

@hifly, I think it started life as a British Narrowboat. The thing can't be more than eight feet wide, but it's about fifty feet long.

 

 

Must have been some voyage to get it from UK canals to PNW.

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Q. How does a woman know she's talking with a pilot?
A. He'll tell her. 

Q. How does a woman know she's finished talking with a pilot?
A. He'll say: "Enough about me -- let's talk about planes.."

 

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P's me off that I can't find a pair of 30"x34" jeans on a store rack (or preferably 29"x35"...but not holding my breath for that). Seriously, NO ONE makes skinny clothes for Americans.

You can find 44"x30" jeans...i've seen 50"x28" pants before, but I'm farked if I can even find a pair of 30" waist in adult sizes in a pant leg over 30", or 30"+ legs in kids sizes...

 

In the USA we all wear Square Pants or Wide Bottom knickers? Really?

Where is the encouragement to lose all that weight Americans are putting on if there is nothing for them to wear once they get there?

 

~Cpt. Floods AKA Cpt Saggy Bottoms.

 

I the UK you will never never find pants in the sizes that you mention,  We wear trousers over our pants. We find that it is useful as it stops you being arrested for indecent exposure!!!  :D  :thum:

 

P.S. All this talk of canal boats and boats tied up well reminds me of an incident I witnessed whilst on a boating holiday on the Thames.  We entered a lock big enough to take two boars side by side and about three boats end to end.

Behind us was a steel boat and a wooden boat moored side by side, the steel boat was wider than the average boat, so it was a tight fit and these two boats were last into the lock.  We were going down stream, and as the lock was emptied and we descended there was the sound of cracking wood. The steal boat had a pronounced flare on its hull and so as it descended the portion of the hull the overhung the lock side was forced into the lock as it no longer could overlap it.  The cracking of wood was the adjacent boat being squeezed against the lock wall by the descending steal boat, like the jaws of a massive vice.  

 

There followed a great deal of consternation from the crew of the splintering boat. However, a locks progress cannot be stopped instantly, and despite the rapid intervention of the lock keeper, the splintering process continued as the sluices were shut down. Once the lock was stable again, we all gathered around to see the damage. The wooden boat was completely out of the water and wedged there firmly between the lock side and the steal boat.The latter was undamaged, but the wooden boats hull was split from end to end just above the keel and its stern was horribly crushed.

 

The rest of us were stuck there, until it was agreed the the worst of the damage was already done.  The wooden boat was evacuated and the lock was slowly emptied. There was some more cracks and shrieks as the water went down its last couple of feet. Both boats remained locked together, but now in water that was as shallow as it could be. The downstream gates were opened and the rest of us were allowed to leave before the gates were shut again too all upstream traffic.

 

I never found out how the situation was resolved as we went on out way down stream.

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