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The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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Dyslexics of the world untie

 

Or the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog. 

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A guy and his new girl friend were cuddling after sex.

She asked if she could rub his balls ("duh, yes") and then did so for the next 30 minutes.

He of course thought this was awesome and asked her why she liked doing that so much.

She replied, "Because I kinda miss mine sometimes".

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Tools Explained (have had a personal experience like these with all of them over the years :D )

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching wood stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good wood into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, and hands, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-B*TCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B*TCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need. Hope you found this informative.




 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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After being married for 50 years, a man took a careful look at his wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl."

 

"Now I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. So he said to his wife, "It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

 

His wife, a very reasonable woman, told him to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

 

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

 

John

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I don't know why people keep getting worked up about immigration..

All my neighbours are English

All the kids in the local school are English

All the local shops are owned and run by English people

I love it here in Spain.

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The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older and a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.

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Investment Opportunity:

 

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.

 

A German Engineer friend just started his own business in Afghanistan.  He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well.

 

He says prophets are going through the roof.

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A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

 

Husband:

Sukitaki.

 

Wife replies:

Kowanini!

 

Husband says angrily:

Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

 

Wife on her knees literally begging:

Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

 

Husband replies angrily:

Na miaou kina tim kouji!

 

I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this shit as if you understand Japanese!  You'll read anything as long as it is about sex.  You need help!!

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A tough old cattleman from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

 

The grand- daughter did this religiously until the age of 103, then she died.

 

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grand-children, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

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A midget from Wyoming was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

 

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

 

"Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

 

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

 

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.  The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

 

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

 

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

 

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

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Here's something to think about.

 

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

 

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned "seventy- ish ").

 

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,  'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

 

He asked, Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

 

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

 

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

 

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

 

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?

 

'No, I don't,' I said.

 

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'

 

'No,' I said.

 

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

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NOTE: I have reason to believe this is not a true story. Take it for what it's worth...

 

The Canadians know how to handle complaints.  Here is an example.

 

A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter. She received back the following reply:

 

National Defense Headquarters

M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT

101 Colonel By Drive

Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2

Canada

 

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

 

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

 

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

 

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.

 

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.

 

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.

 

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

 

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

 

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counsellor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

 

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.

 

Cordially,

Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defense

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