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The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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A woman on a Ryanai Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. 

As soon as he was born, the baby said, "I had more leg room in the womb."

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I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" 

It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew the gun over and it discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?"asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

" Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

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Topical this one...

 

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse  vocabulary.
 
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
 
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
 
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
 
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
 
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. 
 
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
cleardot.gif

 

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North Korea is back online after internet outage.

Sources say South Korea changed the wifi password.

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How to Wash a Cat

 

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.  You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.  Ignore the noises that come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a "Power-Wash" and "Rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.  Be sure that no one is between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet if possible, as far as you can and quickly open the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

The Dog

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Below is the text of an e-mail I received today. This is so good I wanted to share it but this thread is the only location I could think of as an appropriate place to post it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did...

 

Obviously, I didn't click on the link they helpfully provided. The part about the FBI being ready to make things easy was the clincher, though my BS detector was alarming WAY before that.

 

John

 

EDIT: Americans around my age will remember another message from the government that we all dreaded long ago that famously began with the word "Greetings"...

 

JDA

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION

J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING

935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,

NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001

 

GREETINGS,

YOU DON'T WANT US TO RELEASE YOUR ATM CARD TO YOU? OR DO YOU WISH TO FORFEIT YOUR FUND FINALLY. WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO CONTACT US FOR THE RELEASE OF YOUR ATM CARD WHICH HAS BEEN UNDER STOP-ORDER FOR A VERY LONG TIME. REMEMBER YOUR FUND WILL BE CONFISCATED AT THE END OF THE MONTH.

 

THIS IS TO REMIND YOU THAT WE ARE READY TO LISTEN TO YOU AND MAKE THINGS EASY FOR YOU TO RECEIVE YOUR ATM CARD FUND WHICH WE HAVE STOPPED FOR A VERY LONG TIME. KINDLY GET BACK TO US AS SOON AS POSSIBLE TO HEAR OUR RELEASE PROCEDURE.

 

WE THE FBI ARE READY TO MAKE THINGS EASY FOR YOU TO ENSURE YOU RECEIVE YOUR ATM CARD.

 

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

 

SPECIAL AGENT DAVID

FBI BADGE NUMBER 497 5013

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It could be true, maybe Special Agent David is the only FBI agent that did not go to college. :P

 

I think the biggest giveaway is the fact that the FBI doesn't usually consider making anything EASY for anyone. :D

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A little late, but...

 

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration. The FAA examiner arrived on the appointed day for a pre-Christmas flight check.  Santa got out his logbook and made sure he had all his paperwork in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled, consulting a checklist on a clipboard. He looked closely at the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He carefully reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's huge payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride.

Santa climbed aboard, secured his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped up on to the sled. Santa started in surprise, for the examiner was carrying a shotgun.

"What's THAT for?" Santa asked incredulously.

The examiner glanced over his shoulder to make sure no-one else was listening, then winked at Santa and said,
"I'm not supposed to tell you this... but you're going to lose an engine on takeoff."

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Hi Pete and :welcomeani: to Hutley's Mangar where a joke is a good way to introduce yourself. You've probably got the measure of the place so get comfortable and join the happy family.

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Hi Pete, thanks for joining in on the fun, welcome to Mutley's Hangar. :)  

 

Here is one of my old favorites,

 

It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus.

But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine.
Sam went to his room and wrote ' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.' But he wasn't very happy when he read it over.

So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.' He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either.

He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.' He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden.

He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. 'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'

 

 

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A Cop on a horse stops a little girl riding on a brand new bike and says, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes." the little girl replies.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $10 dollars.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa get you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa

that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

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North Koreans are wondering why their computers were unusable for nine hours.

 

They call it a cyber-attack. In the west it's better known as Windows Update.

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You might have heard this one before but here goes.

 

They held a lookalike competition in North Korea. Everyone won first prize.

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Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who

are interested in them?

A: Try a book store, under Fiction.

 

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

 

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..."

 

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

 

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

 

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

 

Q: Why should 60 plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

 

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

 

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

 

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

 

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

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My friend thinks he is so smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

 

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

 

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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I went to the doctor today and she told me I must stop masturbating.

 

'Why?' I asked.

 

She said, 'Because I'm trying to take your pulse.'

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Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.

 

"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another one to come."  Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

 

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

 

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

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If I had a pound for every woman that told me I was unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

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