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The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion . . .

The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra
virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream,
non-stop, for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special perfumed
aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made
her scream for fifteen minutes."

The Englishman said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a
special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then
made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow!
That's phenomenal, what did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied: 
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman walk into a bar.  Each

orders a pint of Brian's but, as they're served, a fly lands in 

each pint.

 

The Englishman immediately pushes his beer away in disgust.

 

The Scotsman thinks for a few seconds, shrugs, and also pushes

the pint away.

 

The Welshman turns bright red, picks the fly out of the beer 

and holds it over the glass shouting, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

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FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS: 

CATSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results

December 2013 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening >From CATSA :

Terrorists Discovered

     

Transvestites

  133

Hernias

1,485

Haemorrhoid Cases

3,172

Enlarged Prostates

8,249

Breast Implants

59,350

Natural Blondes

3

 

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.

...Thought you'd like to know.

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Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

 

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

 

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

 

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

 

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

 

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

 

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

 

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

 

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

 

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

 

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

 

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

 

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

 

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

 

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

 

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

 

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

 

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

 

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

 

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

 

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

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A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the Coffee Club.


"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you,” said one elderly lady.
“I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

 

 

This is just how I feel at the moment. :D

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Is that so Brian? If so commiserations and speedy recovery. It's this bl**dy winter stuff cold, dark, we should hibernate or fly south for four months.

 

But the days are getting longer already and in no time we'll be gallivanting in the summer sun. Apart from Scotland.

 

:thum: 

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When I married my wife, her father promised me a cow and an acre of land.

20 years later, I'm still waiting for the land.  ;)

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The wife has got really good at ventriloquism. 

She scared the sh*t out of her gynaecologist today  :huh:

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You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.

If it sinks: girl ant

If it floats: boy ant

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We had a power cut last night, no computer, no television, the Ipad is bust, I couldn't be bothered to go to the pub. So I went into the kitchen to make a cuppa, no kettle, so I opened a bottle of wine and went into the candle lit living room where Kate, my wife, was sitting. So we shared a few glasses and chatted for a couple of hours.

 

She's quite a nice person really.

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Working that one out March! :huh:

That's £1 money, so I would be a squillionaire!

Going back a ways, Joe. I missed your comment so didn't reply.

This was a tongue-in-cheek reference to my definition of a pound. 1 Lb = 16 ozs. I'm a bit overweight (according to my doctor - but what does he know?).

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Thanks March!

==============================================

 

My mum said, "You treat this place like a hotel!"

She will regret that when I give her a low score on TripAdvisor for 'rude staff'.  :P 

 

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A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

 

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

 

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

 

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

 

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

 

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

 

"Tell me," added the boy.

 

"Yes, my son?"

 

"Why are you living in Minnesota and still wearing all this crap?"

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A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some advice to his granddaughter.

He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of Gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.

The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren

and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

old-man-mooning.gif

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A young bull and an old wise bull, were standing on a hilltop looking down at over a dozen cows feeding in the meadow.

 

The young bull said "Let's run down there and inseminate one of those cows"?

 

"No" say's the old wise bull.  " Lets walk down there and inseminate the lot"..

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I was at a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, "On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery."

I said, "That's correct."

He said, "Would you like to elaborate?"

I said, "Nope"

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This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy"...

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

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I was in the Indian restaurant last night when the waiter came over and said, "Curry ok sir?"

I said "ok, one song then bugger off!"

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