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The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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In a head to head competition, Publix would Winn.  Dixie would never be the same if it were otherwise.

 

John

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16 minutes ago, J G said:

Wait(,)Rose will have to comment on this line of dreadful puns!

And that has to be the dreadfullest of them all.

Anyway, I ke a semicolon instead of a comma

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I like smooth chat on the forums mySelf(,)ridges seem to be developing here.

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In a classroom, the history teacher asked  her children to name a famous explorer.

There was a few moments of silence, then a shy voice from the back said....

 

'Dora' !!

:whis:

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English teacher noticed that little Billy was not writing anything down in class.

So she asked him why?

He replied my pencil is broke.

She said then sharpen it.

I can't  I ain't got a pencil sharpener.

With that she called little Billy to come and stand in front of the class.

Billy you do not say I ain't got a pencil sharpener.

 

You should say.

  I do not have a pencil sharpener

 You do not have a pencil sharpener.

 We do not have a pencil sharpener

 They do not have a pencil sharpener.

 

With that Billy turned to the class and shouted out who the F_ _ _ has got all the pencil sharpeners then.

 

 

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A ditzy blonde goes into a department store to look for some net curtains. At the right section, the sales associate asks if he can help her.  She replied that she was looking for some net curtains and she gave the size.  The associate was shocked at the minute dimensions and commented that she must have small windows.

'Oh no', she said, 'they are for my computer'.

'But Miss' replied the associate, 'computers don't need curtains'.

'Hello'...she replied 'It has Windows'.

 

:wacko2:

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I read a statistic from some study that claimed that 45% of women believe that the first thing a man thinks of when he sees a woman is sex. I don't believe it. I doubt that 55% of women are that naive.

 

They also found that 50% of women believed that when a man in an adjacent car glances over, the man is looking at her car...and the other 50% believed he is more likely to be looking at her...a trick question of course, because usually a man will be thinking along the lines of "I'd like to do her in her car"...so they are all actually correct.

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APPLE DOES IT AGAIN!!


Apple computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play Hi Fi music in women’s Breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them. 
:D

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They say everyone has a soulmate somewhere.

So few of us are certain however that we have found our soul mates...except for Stalkers...Stalkers are certain.

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I think the feminist movement lost a lot of support back in the 70s when they burned their bras.

 

John

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42 minutes ago, allardjd said:

I think the feminist movement lost a lot of support back in the 70s when they burned their bras.

 

John

 

And then things really started going downhill. 

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16 hours ago, hifly said:

 

And then things really started going downhill. 

 

I seem to recall that support sagged at the time 

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On 6/6/2016 at 16:12, allardjd said:

I think the feminist movement lost a lot of support back in the 70s when they burned their bras.

 

John

 

There were some outstanding points about that era, especially in cold weather. 

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I can't tell you how excited I am that two stunning Aviation world records are soon going to be set. The second one is of course going to be the first electric plane to circumnavigate the globe... The Solar Impulse aircraft. Kudos in advance to the entire Solar Impulse aircraft team!

 

Kudos as well to the Solar Impulse Ground and Support team for setting the first of the two records... The world's first aircraft hanger to circumnavigate the globe and beat its occupant on every leg.

 

 

Edited by Captain Coffee

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Never trade luck for skill." Old Military Idioms... ...
 

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
------------------------------------------------------
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
------------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine
Corps
-----------------------------------------------------
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
------------------------------------------------------
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
----------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
------------------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
Encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur
----------------------------------------------------
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
Infantry Journal
-----------------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you .. Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------------------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
-----------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
------------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
Volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie

---------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
David Hackworth
------------------------------------------------------
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -
Infantry Journal
----------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
-----------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper . Once."
---------------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
Marine Recruit
----------------------------------------------------
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
----------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
-----------------------------------------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I
am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71
operating base Kadena, Japan
-----------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)
-----------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
-----------------------------------------------------
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
Submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
-----------------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
----------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have Enough

power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
-----------------------------------------------------
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
club."
-----------------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
-----------------------------------------------------

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
-----------------------------------------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
----------------------------------------------------
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."
-----------------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to Successfully
complete the flight."
-----------------------------------------------------
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
row is prevarication."
-----------------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
-----------------------------------------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for The
purpose of storing dead batteries."
-----------------------------------------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
-----------------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely

kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
-----------------------------------------------------
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to
it's maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut
-----------------------------------------------------
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
----------------------------------------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
----------------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign
over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
-----------------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
-----------------------------------------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is
much more difficult to fly there."
------------------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal."
------------------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's
reply:
"I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell
(Lockheed test pilot)

 

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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)

 

^^^Going I don't know where, fast. :D

 

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for The
purpose of storing dead batteries."

 

^^ Confirming that these are just as useful for storing dead batteries at home.

 

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal."

 

^Or you discover that your *Amphibian* is actually a Float Plane.

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Levity aside - True story:

 

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
Volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie

 

I once got away with this...first day of USAF basic training the TI asked for people with particular skills to volunteer for duty assignments.

 

I need a Tall person? To the tall guy that raised his hand: "You will be emptying the trash every night as you can reach over the dumpster to dump it".

Someone "Sharp Sighted"...ok, you will be the toilet cleaner so that you won't miss a single speck. :-O

Then he called out..."Is their an artist in the house?" I hesitantly raised my hand because I was fairly good with a pencil. I was allowed to spend most of the "barrack cleaning days" in the TI office at the desk drawing a "Thankyou" gift for our TI's since apparently "cash and presents weren't permitted"...ahahaha. (Seriously..wtf...as IF anyone thought there was any posibility we'd consider Thanking these guys on day #1).

As it transpired, our "Alternate TI" turned out to be a righteous and good guy, while our Lead TI got reassigned just a week or two into our training allowing Staff Sergeant Randall tto take over our squad (thankfully, the first Lead TI was a f'n Jerk, and not just TI sytle jerk...he was Jerk to the Bone and had no bizness leading people or training them). When Basic Training was over we were actually sad to say goodbye to  TI Staff Sergent Randall, and I hope he still has the drawing of the F-104 Starfighter and AirForce shield that I drew, and we all signed in thanks for a rather good experience after all. Especially for the lucky artist that never had to clean the barracks. :D:D:D

 

 

 

 

Edited by Captain Coffee
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Old home week here, I guess.  I had a similar experience in Navy boot camp.  I was the only guy in the company who could type (1966, about a hundred guys).  During our "service week" the whole company did mess hall duty while I sat in an air conditioned office and typed duty lists for the company commander.  Sometimes things just work out.

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Great compilation John,:rofl: if there is one thing I learned in two tours is that it is not always an easy job being in the service but mostly everyone will keep a sense of humor to their situation. The drill instructors on up might have joked about things but they will let you know right away if you didn't take things completely serious, therefor any laughing or grabassing was kept to a five second maximum:yesa: (that is the Marines, all others got a ten second max^_^).

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