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The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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Talking of sport, I see Team GB came second in the medals tally. I thought our rowers were oarsome. 

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On ‎8‎/‎22‎/‎2016 at 08:08, hifly said:

Talking of sport, I see Team GB came second in the medals tally. I thought our rowers were oarsome. 

Nice pun!!!

 

Martin  :rofl:

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HELP REQUESTED!!!

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. They are box seats, plus airfare and hotel accommodations. When he bought them his wedding date had not been finalized. Now, it turns out that the only date available at the church is Super Bowl Sunday.. so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in Chicago at 5 P.M. Her name is Christina. She will be the one in the white dress.

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A guy goes into a brothel, he approaches the "madame" at the desk.  "Can I help you fella/" she enquired

"I Hope so", says the guy, "I'd like the biggest, blackest woman you have please!"

Madame looks at him, "you have exquisite taste sir, I would suggest Michelle in the white room, she has expectations of grandeur!"

" Thanks Ma'am", says the guy, "Where do I go?"

"Just along the corridor on the right sir,"  Madame replies.

So off he goes and finding the white door, he knocks and walks in. Sitting on the chair is a beautiful big, long legged black girl.

"well hello there," she purrs seductively, "what can I do for you?"

"well says the guy, I want you to strip naked, sit in the corner with your legs wide apart and your fingers holding yourself wide open!"

"Whatever you say fella", says the girl, "Just give me a few minutes to prepare for you. please wait in the other room, i'll call you shortly."

A few minutes later and she calls him in, She's sitting exactly as asked, he walks round her slowly, "Hmm, that looks great honey, Now what do I owe you?"

The girl looks puzzled,"what do you mean? We haven't done anything yet!" 

" I know says the guy, It's just that I'm getting a black leather sofa next week and I wanted to see if pink cushions would suit it! ":whis:

Edited by dodgy-alan

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Quote of the day


When you are dead you do not know that you are dead,
all of the pain is felt by others.


The same things happens when you are stupid.

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I had a goldfish once, that could break-dance on the carpet...

 

...but only for 20 seconds, and only once.

 

John

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2 hours ago, allardjd said:

I had a goldfish once, that could break-dance on the carpet...

 

 

I had a cat like that once.

 

It used to do a really cute wriggle on its back.  

 

It was only after the final one that we found out it was having heart attacks.

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40 minutes ago, J G said:

 

I had a cat like that once.

 

It used to do a really cute wriggle on its back.  

 

It was only after the final one that we found out it was having heart attacks.

 

It can take a while to figure out cat communication, they're rather obtuse at times. For example, I went through probably three cats before I figured out that when they bite you in your sleep, they aren't necessarily being jerks,  you should just feed them more often.

 

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Here's a question for the science geeks among you:

If a Catholic church is travelling at the speed of light, does it still have mass?

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2 hours ago, Captain Coffee said:

 

It can take a while to figure out cat communication, they're rather obtuse at times. For example, I went through probably three cats before I figured out that when they bite you in your sleep, they aren't necessarily being jerks,  you should just feed them more often.

 

 

:thum:

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It's claimed that coffee is a diuretic.  If I drink enough of it, will I die of thirst?  I think I'll risk it...

 

John

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20 hours ago, Captain Coffee said:

It can take a while to figure out cat communication, they're rather obtuse at times.

 

+1

 

I can attest to that...  We have two, who share a pair of brain cells, each getting the use of them on alternate days.  I wouldn't trade 'em for anything (make an offer anyway), but they are not the heaviest rocks in the box.

 

John

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18 hours ago, Bumblebee said:

Here's a question for the science geeks among you:

If a Catholic church is travelling at the speed of light, does it still have mass?

 

Yes, of course.  At the speed of light it has infinite mass, which is how long an ordinary Mass seems to take sometimes.

 

John

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This is probably a repeat but it made me laugh so......

 

Letter From Oregon Dept. of Fish & Wildlife: (THIS is how BLM & F&WLM get on your property to start taking it over.)

Dear Landowner:


ODFW Staff will be conducting surveys for foothill yellow-legged frogs & other amphibians over the next few months. As part of this research,we would like to survey the creek on your property. I am writing this letter to request your permission to access your property.
Recent research indicates that foothill yellow-legged frogs have declined significantly in recent years and are no longer found at half their historic sites. Your cooperation will be greatly appreciated and will help contribute to the conservation of this important species.
attached postage-paid postcard and let us know if you are willing to let us cross your property or not. If you have any concerns about this project please give us a call. We would love to talk with you about our research.

 


Sincerely
Steve Niemela
Conservation Strategy Implementation Biologist


********RESPONSE FROM LANDOWNERS: ********
Dear Mr. Niemela:

Thank you for your inquiry regarding accessing our property to survey for the yellow-legged frog. We may be able to help you out with this matter.
We have divided our 2.26 acres into 75 equal survey units with a draw tag for each unit. Application fees are only $8.00 per unit after you purchase the “Frog Survey License” ($120.00 resident / $180.00 Non-Resident).

You will also need to obtain a “Frog Habitat” parking permit ($10.00 per vehicle). You will also need an “Invasive Species” stamp ($15.00 for the first vehicle and $5.00 for each add’l vehicle) You will also want to register at the Check Station to have your vehicle inspected for non-native plant life prior to entering our property. There is also a Day Use fee, $5.00 per vehicle.

If you are successful in the Draw, you will be notified two weeks in advance so you can make necessary plans and purchase your “Creek Habitat” stamp. ($18.00 Resident / $140.00 Non-Resident). Survey units open between 8am and 3pm but you cannot commence survey until 9am and must cease all survey activity by 1pm.


Survey Gear can only include a net with a 2" diameter made of 100% organic cotton netting with no longer than an 18" handle, non-weighted and no deeper than 6" from net frame to the bottom of the net. Handles can only be made of BPA-free plastics or wooden handles. After 1pm you can use a net with a 3" diameter if you purchase the “Frog Net Endorsement” ($75.00 Resident / $250 Non-Resident). Any frogs captured that are released will need to be released with an approved release device back into the environment unharmed.

As of June 1, we are offering draw tags for our “Premium Survey” units and application is again only $8.00 per application. However, all fees can be waived if you can verify “Native Indian Tribal rights and status.

You will also need to provide evidence of successful completion of “Frog Surveys and You” comprehensive course on frog identification, safe handling practices, and self-defense strategies for frog attacks. This course is offered online through an accredited program for a nominal fee of $750.00.

Please let us know if we can be of assistance to you. Otherwise, we decline your access to our property but appreciate your inquiry.

Sincerely, Larry & Amanda Anderson.

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I hope that actually happened and I hope it worked.  If so, I'd bet a hundred dollars their tax return gets audited next year.  If you mess with the government, including exercising legal rights, they can be counted on to mess back.

 

John

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Why did Adel cross the road?

 

To sing Hello from the other side.

Edited by J G
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@Matt LOL!

 

However I don't think the Polling companies will be best pleased with you giving away their working practices!  

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