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The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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Two old ladies both arrive at the church meeting, As they walk into the church one says to the other "Did you come on the bus?"  "Yes," says the other, "But I made it look like an asthma attack!":whis:

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Another one was:  Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.

He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' I asked.  'It's not unusual' he replied.

 

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

 

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

 

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

 

There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

 

''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

 

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

 

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

 

I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years

supply of Marmite......... one jar.

 

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here'' 

 

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at

least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

A seal walks into a club...

 

 

 

 

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A penguin walks into a pub

He says to the publican; " Have you seen my dad?"

The publican says: " I don't know. What's he look like?"

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A girl walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
The barman says, "What are you doing in here with that pig?"
The girl replies, "That's not a pig it's a duck"
The barman says, "I was talking to the duck!"
 


There is this pig farmer, and its getting close to slaughter time but none of his pigs are getting pregnant.  If none get pregnant then either he can't slaughter them until they do, or he has to slaughter them and then have no new pigs. 

Either way he's bankrupt. 

So he goes to his friend on the farm next door and asks for advice.
"I'll tell ya my secret, but you can't tell anyone else."
"Ok fine, I need help" 
"Ok what ya do is you put all pigs in your truck, drive them down to the forest and f*** them yourself.  The next morning if they are laying on their backs with their feet in the air you'll know they're pregnant."
"I'm desperate I'll try anything"
So that night he loads the pigs up and heads of to the forest.  He f***s them all, then brings them back home. Tired, he goes to bed.

He wakes up early the next morning, runs outside. The pigs are all walking around as normal.

Well, he figures it was the first time and maybe he just didn't get lucky.  So he does the same thing that night.  Goes to bed and wakes up early to see how the pigs are doing.  They are all walking around as normal still. 

So he says this is the last night.  He takes all the pigs out to the forest.  And he f***s the living daylights out of them.  He goes at it all night till the sun is starting to come up.  Then he drives them home and falls into bed.
A few hours later his wife comes in a wakes him up.
"Honey, wake up the pigs are acting funny!"
"Are they laying on their backs with legs in the air" He asked excitedly
"No they've all climbed into the front of the truck and they're honking the horn."

Edited by J G
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Trump cabinet nominee for HUD secretary, Ben Carson, announced today his plan to combat homelessness and global warming with the same housing development plan. 

His proposal centers around a concept that he arrived at while surveying the various modes of housing used around the world. In particular, Ben Carson surveyed housing in the colder regions to see how people who lived in the cold managed, reasoning that they were more likely to be skilled at building cold efficient homes.

In particular, Carson was impressed with the homes of the traditional Inuit people, arguably the masters at living in the cold, and his plan involves building homeless housing out of cheep, easy to acquire, easy to mold frozen water... Ice. Ben Carson plans to make igloos for the homeless of the United States.

When a member of the stunned press in attendance finally managed to summon the ability to ask the question "How do you intend to keep them Frozen, Dr. Sir... and how will this help with global warming?" Carson replied..." to answer the second part of your question first, the distribution of millions of igloos around the country will drop the overall temperature and reduce the effects of global warming. In addition they are bright white and the high albedo/reflectivity of the addition of millions of bright white igloos will reflect sunlight back into space, reducing heat Twofold... brilliant huh? Science! As to the first part of your question, wellll... the igloos will keep themselves Frozen. Everyone knows that igloos have no corners, and Corners are 90 degrees, 90 degrees is very warm, since igloos have no corners they keep themselves Frozen... and the area around them. Inuit people don't live in igloos anymore, and the ice is disappearing. Coincidence? ... I don't think so!"

 

~Cpt. Coff. 2017

Edited by Captain Coffee

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Scientist are reporting that a large chunk, a VERY large chunk 1/4 the size of Wales may/will soon break free from the Larson C Ice Shelf in the Antarctic.

This will not be the largest berg to separate from the Antarctic, and since it is already a Floating Shelf it's separation should not raise sea levels... but scientist are concerned that this piece may permit glaciers, previously held back by the Larson Shelf, to advance into the sea and raise sea levels.

 

In business news today, reports of Nestles Corporation buying up Massive Tug Boat fleets is puzzling some of their investors, while share prices are generally beginning to climb sharply upon rumors that a possible Massive unclaimed fresh water resource may soon be available for the cost of a Nestles Logo Flag.

 

Cpt. Coff. 2017

 

 

 

 

 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/energy-environment/wp/2017/01/06/the-crack-in-this-antarctic-ice-shelf-just-grew-by-11-miles-a-break-could-be-imminent/?utm_term=.44c64efdc1d8

 

Edited by Captain Coffee
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Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers



Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

**************************************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727? "


****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

***************************** *********************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."




****************************************************************************************************


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

***************************************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

****************************************************************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bl***y war!"

****************************************************************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


*****************************************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

****************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206:
" Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.


Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
G round (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

*************************************************************************************************

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"



Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


 

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Police to Rookie before a big vice sting: "Now when I rush the door I want you to Cover me...got it".

As he runs at the door...

Rookie:  Roxanne, You don't have to put on the red light
Those days are over
You don't have to sell your body to the night

 

 

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When I mentioned to people that I was dating twins, people used to ask how I told them apart.

Well, it was easy, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a mustache.

Edited by Captain Coffee
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She was only the Cattleman’s daughter, but she couldn’t keep her calves together.

 

She was only the Carpenter’s daughter, but she always had a tool in her box!

 

She was only the Communist’s daughter, and all the boys got a share.

 

She was only the Fishmonger’s daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet.

 

She was only the Gravedigger’s daughter, but anyone cadaver.

 

She was only the Green grocer’s daughter, but her melons were the juiciest in town!

 

She was only the Photographer’s daughter, but she was well developed.

 

She was only the Postman’s daughter, but she always had mail in her box.

 

She was only the Road worker’s daughter, but she loved to get her asphalt.

 

She was only the Undertaker’s daughter, but she knew what to do with a stiff.

 

She was only the zoo keepers daughter but she loved a Cockatoo.

 

She was only the street cleaners daughter, but she liked a strong shaft on her brush.

 

She was only the barman's daughter, but she knew how to hold her liquor.

 

She was only the Captain's daughter, but she knew what do with seamen..

She was only the carpenter's daughter, but she was never short of a screw.

She was only the carpenter's daughter, and all the boys had nailed her..


She was only the rowing masters daughter but, she stroked the cox of the crew

 

She was only the tobacconist's daughter, but the best bit of shag in the shop

 

She was only a corporal's daughter, but now she's an officers' mess.
 

She was only the umpire's daughter, but could catch a full toss in her crease

 

She was only the train drivers daughter but always made them pull out on time.

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Two Indian chiefs talking.

 

Chief Running Nose, "Tell me Chief Passing Waters, when my tribe does a rain dance it never rains. When your tribe does a rain dance it always rains. What's your secret?"

 

Chief Passing Waters, "We keep dancing until it rains."

 

 

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Another fun vid by Brian Turner-Expert Cirrus pilot...seriously.

Main story is about half of it, then a plug for a nice animal rescue outfit, and some outtakes...be advised.

He had some good one liners in this one.

 

cheers.

 

 

 

Edited by Captain Coffee
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On a C130 Hercules mission to Kandahar, Afghanistan, an Intel officer asked if she could visit the cockpit.
When she got up there, she found four crewmen. 
She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and that he was responsible for routing and flight navigation. 
She turned to second one and asked what he did. 
He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.
She turned to the third one and asked what he did. 
He explained that as the aircraft Captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. 
She turned to the co-pilot and asked, "Well Flight Lieutenant, what is your job?"
He replied, "Ma'am, I am the aircraft Captains sexual adviser."
Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple ma'am. He says,
The aircraft Captain has told me that when he wants my f***ing advice, he'll ask for it."

Edited by dodgy-alan
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My dog is dyslexic, he thinks he's god.

 

But we shouldn't make jokes about dyslexia, it's not clever and it's not furry.

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One groaner deserves another...

 

Have you heard about the guy who discovered that he's both dyslexic and gay? He's still in daniel! 

EDIT:  Do you suppose Elton John is dyslexic?  He had a song about Daniel....

 

JDA

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18 hours ago, hifly said:

My dog is dyslexic, he thinks he's god.

 

But we shouldn't make jokes about dyslexia, it's not clever and it's not furry.

 

A bit like making jokes about dwarves with learning difficulties. It's not big and it's not clever.

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Jesus said to them, "Who do you say that I am?" 
 

They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the kerygma of which we find the ultimate meaning in our interpersonal relationships." 
 

And Jesus said, "What?"

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Five things you should look for in a woman:
1. She is pretty
2. She is good in bed
3. She enjoys being with you
4. She can cook
5. She keeps a clean house

Above all, make sure none of these women know each other !

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Bob was looking at his wife: no teeth in, tits on her belly, hair a mess and smoking a roll up. Then she cocked her leg and let out a massive fart.

 

"You are a mess and I'm disgusted with you," He said.

 

"I'm still the woman you love and married," she said. "Sometimes we all let ourselves go a bit."

 

Bob replied " Yes but we're still on our bloody honeymoon!"

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Kate said she wanted an animal skin coat for Valentines. I've bought her a donkey jacket, hope she likes it.

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An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.
         
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
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