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The Jokes Topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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10 hours ago, Tristarcaptain said:

There's nothing there, Lucy.  Just two X's and some codes.......

Oh, I don't know what happened there...it was quite funny though

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I have seen this guy on TV before, lucky for me that after clicking on it the video is not available in my country. :rofl:

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One I think we can all relate to one way or another

 

After a tiring day, Zoe settled down in a seat on her train and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice.

“Hi sweetheart. It’s Gavin. I’m on the train.

“Yes, I know it’s the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting.

“No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss.

“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life.

“Yes, I promise, cross my heart.”

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When Zoe, exasperated, had had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, “Gavin, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Red-faced and absolutely shocked, he shut off his phone and didn’t say a single word for the rest of the train ride.

Gavin doesn’t use his mobile phone in public any longer. And Zoe finally got some well-deserved shut-eye.

  • Haha 3

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Two translators were on the Titanic, when she went down one said to the other "Can you swim?" to which the other replied, "No, but I can call for help in 27 languages!"

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Sitting in the pub and having a meal. Watching my beans chasing each other round the plate. My pulse was racing. :D

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FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in
a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the idiot’s name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you
when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, Dave leads the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" Dave replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", Dave said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For f**k's sake, you wanker, it's 2 am in the morning!!"

Edited by dodgy-alan
  • Haha 2

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A woman bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I've got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I spent it already," replied the farmer.

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What're you gonna do with him?" asked the farmer.

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!" exclaimed the farmer.

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the lady and asked about what happened with the dead donkey. "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 apiece and made a profit of £898."

"Didn't no one complain?" asked the farmer.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back."

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The Importance of walking 
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at £4,000 per month. 

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A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words, redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, 'How is your friend Audrey doing?' She replied, 'Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.'

Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.'

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!'

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to the conservative's philosophy.'

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As a RW pilot, I find anything this frivolous to be "dangerous", ie: anything that could cause even momentary confusion in a cockpit. To this guy's credit he didn't write "Welcome to Timmerman (MWC) on the approach to General Mitchell (MKE).

Milwaukee and Cleveland are a long way apart so it's unlikely that the shock to a pilot would only be momentary - but still. Really?

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at 3 am this morning I was woken by a text from a friend I was woken for just one word 'BGAN', so I texted back that 'It's bang out of order'.

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