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An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what do
you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's.
Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniels, than to
forget where you keep the bottle!!"

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What a night I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my truck: Officer: "Li

A penguin walked into the bar and said I’m looking for my brother. “What does he look like” asked the barman.

My urologist’s office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone - due to the Coronavirus.  One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was

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  • 2 weeks later...

This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.    

 

A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.    

 

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.    

 

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.    

 

He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.  

 

The Englishman answers with a bit of humour,    

 

 

"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving on the other side?"

Edited by dodgy-alan
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Paddy tries to change his name by deed poll and is called in for an interview on the matter.

 

"Right Paddy what is all this you want to change your name?" asks the clerk

 

"I do I do I'm sick of all the jokes and snigering I want to change it right now" paddy says

 

"ok give me your current full name first please" asks the clerk

 

"Patrick Shithouse" he replies

 

.. and the new name you want to change it too please?

 

Michael.

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A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit" The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit ?" "Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?

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More nonsense!

 

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"

"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

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I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

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Went out last night and got really wasted.

I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so, at least I got home OK.

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The wife's back on the warpath again.

She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

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Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies.

"Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."

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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."

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I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

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After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

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I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered - the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

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"Jesus Loves You."

Nice to hear in church rather than in a Mexican prison.

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Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

 

:pilotic:

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Saw this on another site and it so funny I had to copy it over,

 

This is a collection of letters sent to a South of England Newspaper who had asked for examples of stupidity . . .

*
IDIOT SIGHTING No 1
*
We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
*I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'* I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used Garador repair since.* Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .

IDIOT SIGHTING No 2

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'
Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.

IDIOT SIGHTING No 3

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'* He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.
*
>From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.
*
IDIOT SIGHTING No 4
*
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,* 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'** To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'* He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
*
Happened at Luton Airport
*
IDIOT SIGHTING No 5
*
The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.* Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
*
She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow , Middlesex. (And she's NOT blonde)
*
IDIOT SIGHTING No 6
*
When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.* We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door.* As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it’s open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'* This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.
*
STAY ALERT!**They walk among us.*AND THEY BREED!*

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 12/19/2016 at 14:41, dodgy-alan said:

I can't wait for the reindeers to arrive on my roof next weekend, ............it'll save me going to the butchers for the venison!:whis:

 

You need to be careful in the preparation of these...nicking the wrong bag while cleaning them could cause them to taste Toy and Gamey. :whis:

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Just got this in an e-mail from a friend - way too good to not post here.

 

Where to Retire
 
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
1.  You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2.  You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3.  You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4.  You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5.  You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6.  The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
 
OR...
 
You can retire to California where...
1.  You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2.  The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3.  You know how to eat an artichoke.
4.  When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. 
5.  The four seasons are:  Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.
 
OR...
 
You can retire to New York City where...
1   You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2.  You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.  You think Central Park is "nature."
4.  You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5.  You've worn out a car horn.  (IF you have a car.)
6.  You think eye contact is an act of aggression
 
OR...
 
You can retire to Minnesota where... 
1.  You only have three spices:  salt, pepper and ketchup.
2.  Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3.  You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4.  Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5.  The four seasons are:  almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair. 
6.  The highest level of criticism is "He is different,"  "She is different," or "It was different!" 

 

OR...

 

 You can retire to The Deep South where... 
1.  You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2  "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3.  "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4.  Everyone has two first names:  Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5.  Everything is either:  "in yonder,"  "over yonder"  or "out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!

 

OR...
 
You can move to Colorado where... 
1.  You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2.  You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3.  A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4.  The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. 

 

OR...

 

 You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...  
1.  You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2.  Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3.  You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4.  You end sentences with a preposition;  "Where's my coat at?" 
 
OR...
 
FINALLY you can retire to Florida where... 
1.  You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2.  All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3.  Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4.  Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5.  Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

  
 

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7 hours ago, allardjd said:


5.  Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

  
 

 

We always called the old folks down around Marco "Q-Tips". That was because all you could see from the car behind was a couple of white fluffy balls over the seat backs.

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I think it's from Julius Caesar:
Mark Anthony: "O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts, And men have lost their reason.
An SSL error has occurred and a secure connection to the server cannot be made!
Bear with me;My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar, And I must pause till it come back to me."
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2 hours ago, Holdit said:
I think it's from Julius Caesar:
Mark Anthony: "O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts, And men have lost their reason.
An SSL error has occurred and a secure connection to the server cannot be made!
Bear with me;My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar, And I must pause till it come back to me."

:rofl:

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