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Chinese citizen asked for his opinion on how his government had performed handling the virus... "I can't say." - - - Coronavirus arrives in the US. Mexico: So, about that wall....

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Chinese citizen asked for his opinion on how his government had performed handling the virus...

"I can't say."

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Coronavirus arrives in the US.

Mexico: So, about that wall....

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I know a great joke about Corona Virus, you probably won't get it though.

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Seen on-line:

We are 11 days into self-isolation and it is really upsetting to see my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly with tears running down her cheeks.  I've considered letting her in many times but rules are rules.

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I told my wife how thankful I am to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with.

She said, "Must be nice."

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Overheard phone conversation...

"Hello, virus hot-line?  I'd like to report someone not living in fear."

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Covid 19 or Covid 1984?

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Millions of dogs are wondering why all their humans have been muzzled.

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Names I like:

  • Covid 1984
  • Kung Flu
  • Chinese Lung Rot
  • Winnie the Flu
  • Bat Soup Fever
  • Fu Man (Ah) Chu

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Quarantine is when you restrict the movement of sick people.  Tyranny is when you restrict the movement of healthy people.

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Now that I've experienced a real plague I understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are mostly of fat naked people on couches.

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New logic

  • Swiss cheese - not racist
  • Italian sausage - not racist
  • Brazilian wax - not racist
  • Belgian Waffle - not racist
  • Cuban sandwich - not racist
  • English bulldog - not racist
  • Irish coffee - not racist
  • Roman candle - not racist
  • Pekingese - not racist
  • Spanish flu - not racist
  • Chinese food - not racist
  • French braid - not racist
  • German potato salad - not racist
  • Russian roulette - not racist
  • Indian casino - not racist
  • Canadian bacon - not racist
  • Irish whisky - not racist
  • Mexican food - not racist
  • Labrador retriever - not racist
  • Brazilian steak house - not racist
  • French kiss - not racist
  • Egyptian cotton - not racist
  • Italian dressing - not racist
  • Irish setter - not racist
  • Colombian coffee - not racist
  • English muffin - not racist
  • Spanish inquisition - not racist
  • Roman catholic - not racist
  • Danish pastry - not racist
  • Scottish fling - not racist
  • Turkish delight - not racist
  • Singapore sling - not racist
  • Manchurian candidate - not racist
  • Scotch whisky - not racist
  • French poodle - not racist
  • Scotch pine - not racist
  • Chinese flu - RACIST

 

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Apologies if you have already seen these here :)

10. I know a great joke about Corona Virus, you probably won't get it though.

9. A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus"

8. If I get quarantined for two weeks with my wife and I die. I can assure you it was not the virus that killed me.

7. With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.

6. I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"

She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"

I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here"

5. *Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

4. Thinking a mask is going to stop Covid-19 is the same as thinking that your underpants will protect everyone from a fart.

3. Since everybody has now started washing their hands, the peanuts at the bar have lost their taste.

2. They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else has clothes on.

1. Before Corona Virus I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.
 
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More cut and paste action...

  • My mate rang and said: “My diet isn’t going well. I’m having five eggs for breakfast.” I replied: “What poached, scrambled or boiled?” He said: “No, Cadbury’s...”
  • I used to work in a dentist’s. It wasn’t a permanent job - I was just filling in.
  • Accordion to a new survey, random musical instruments are being put into sentences without people noticing.
  • I was walking past a pet shop. A sign on the shop front said: “Pedigree Netherlands cats for sale.” I didn’t believe they were from the Netherlands so I went into the shop and asked the assistant: “How Dutch is that moggie in the window?”
  • I was in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribesman and said: “That lizard’s really funny.” The tribesman replied: “That’s not a lizard. He’s a stand up chameleon.”
  • A cement mixer collided with a prison van on Dereham bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.
  • The man who invented the zip fastener has been honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.
  • I gave my pet bird a haircut, and now he thinks he’s James Bond. He’s certainly a shorn canary.
  • I hear Ipswich Town Football Club is being bought by Sheik Anvac who is promising to “put the freshness back” into the Tractor Boys.
  • To the person who stole my selfie stick, you need to take a long look at yourself.
  • The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers.
  • I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
  • I’ve just written a song about tortillas. Actually, it’s more of a wrap.
  • I don’t like Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
  • Sad news that Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy,
  • I met a bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought: “That’s Abba-riginal.”
  • Two donkeys were standing on the side of the road. One said: “Shall we cross now?” The other said: “No way. Look what happened to the zebras.”
  • I keep randomly shouting out “Broccoli” and “Cauliflower” - I think I might have florets.
  • I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It wasn’t her main present, just a stocking filler.
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Next...

  • Anyone want to buy 100 Scotch Eggs and 150 bite size sausage rolls? I misread the headlines and thought everyone was picnic buying.
  • A lorry load of Marmite has crashed on the M4 this morning...Police have said to avoid the yeast-bound carriageway.
  • Panic buying is ridiculous. I’ve just paid £15 for Oxo cubes...The stock market’s gone crazy.
  • My mate just said he’s run out of toilet paper and is having to use lettuce leaves...Today was the tip of the iceberg.
  • ’Enter new password’ - ‘chicken’ - ‘Password must contain a capital’ - ‘chickenkiev.’
  • My mate bought a signed photo of Ronnie Barker and I bought one of Ronnie Corbett, both for 50p...So it was a good buy for me and a good buy for him.
  • I said to the greengrocer, “Can I have six onions?” He replied, “I’ve only got five onions and that shallot.”
  • What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey.
  • I bought my wife a fridge for her birthday. You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
  • I never wanted to believe that my mate was stealing from his job as a road worker...But when I went to see him all the signs were there.
  • Police were called to a supermarket today after a fight broke out over loo roll. They calmed things down and one person was left with soft tissue damage.
  • Have YOU had to walk 500 miles? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation...Call the Pro Claimers now.
  • When you’re playing football manager and you can’t decide between tracksuit or suit manager.
  • Heard about the bloke who asked his wife to pass her the lip balm but he gave her some superglue instead...She’s still not talking to him.
  • I used to be a big Robbie Williams fan but that all changed when I started to study geometry and found that more interesting...I’m loving angles instead.
  • Our local TV weatherman has reacted angrily after being sacked for giving too many gloomy, frosty weather forecasts...No more mist and ice guy.
  • I have some racing geese for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander,
  • Vandals have stolen the F from the Funfair sign in our town... Now that is just unfair.
  • A man went into a library and asked, “Do you have any books on shelving?” The librarian said, “Yes, all of them.”
  • I missed the World Hairdressing Championships on BBC last night...Anyone know if they’re showing any of the highlights?
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Just one more for now, you must be needing the toilet by  now..

  • My mate put his bins out at 8pm last Thursday. He couldn’t believe that everyone was on their doorsteps clapping and cheering him.
  • Let’s all show our appreciation for Amazon drivers at this time by clapping on our doorsteps sometime between 7am and 8pm on Wednesday,
  • 2020. The year your bin goes out more than you do.
  • I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock. It’s not great, but it gets me out of the house.
  • I just turned down a job delivering for my local fruit and veg shop. They offered to pay me in vegetables, but the celery was unacceptable.
  • Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
  • My mate’s wife has run off with his Bob Marley record collection and also his satellite dish. Poor bloke - no woman, no Sky.
  • I once went for a job interview to be the fourth band member of A-Ha but they refused to take on me.
  • Neil Diamond makes the same healthy smoothie every morning - Swede, carrots, lime.
  • A bloke was in court for stealing a calendar. He got 12 months.
  • I saw an advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.’
  • Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.
  • I went in to a pet shop. I said: ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said: ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said: ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’
  • A guy I know got daffodil bulbs mixed up with his onions. He made a Spanish omelette with them and had to be rushed to hospital. They reckon he’ll be out in the spring.
  • How does the German baker greet his customers? Gluten Morgen.
  • My wife told me she thought we’d have less arguments if I wasn’t so pedantic. I told her “I think you mean fewer.”
  • What’s a marsupial’s favourite cocktail? A pina koala.
  • What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce? Chicken Ceaser Salad.
  • Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
  • What do you call a magician that's lost his magic? Ian.
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