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The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)


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What a night I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my truck: Officer: "Li

A penguin walked into the bar and said I’m looking for my brother. “What does he look like” asked the barman.

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Me and the wife have just been to the cinema to see that new film Suffragette.

Two hours of a woman's struggle........full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park we rushed in and caught the credits...

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A blonde speeder is pulled over by a blonde police officer. The blonde cop says, "I need to see your license."

The blonde driver digs through her purse for awhile and says, "I can't find it. What does it look like?"

The cop makes a rectangle with her hands and says, "It's rectangular and has your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches through her purse but can't find it. She finally comes up with the only rectangular item, a small mirror. She looks at it, shrugs, and hands it to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at it, shrugs, and hands it back to the blonde driver.

"Oh, you can go," the blonde cop says. "I didn't realize you were a cop."

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Paddy and Mick were drunk and walking home late at night. As they pass the deserted bus depot, Paddy says. "Let's steal a bus to get us home, I'll climb over the fence open the gate and drive the bus out. You wait here Mick and keep a lookout." After waiting ten minutes Mick calls out. "Are you alright Paddy?" "I'm alright Mick but I can't find a number 29." "Never mind," says Mick, "steal a 17 and we'll get off at the roundabout."

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  • 2 weeks later...

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church." stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "we're not welcome at Tesco anymore either."

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  • 3 weeks later...

More one-liners. Apologies if they have been posted before...

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.

4. I, for one, like Roman numerals.

5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.

11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

13. My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying.

It seemed very important to him that I have it.

14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.

19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

20. Whiteboards are remarkable.

21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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Really cheesy cheese jokes..

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

There was de brie everywhere!

How did Mr Cheese paint his wife?

He Double Gloucester.

A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me...

I thought ‘That’s not very mature’.

Why was the cheesemonger lopsided?

Because they only had one Stilton.

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

Halloumi!

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese...

It's only mild though.

What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?

Cheeses of Nazareth.

Which cheese would you use to coax a bear down from a tree?

Camembert!

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese!

What kind of cheese do you use to disguise a small horse?

Mascarpone.

Which is the most religious cheese?

Swiss… it’s holy.

How do you handle dangerous cheese?

Caerphilly.

My business making clothes out of cheese has gone bust...

Turns out that fromage frays.

Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?

It had grater plans.

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A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket in economy. Noticing an empty seat in first class, she moves up and sits down.

The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman she needs to move back to economy. The blonde replies, "I have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here until we get to New York."

The captain, having been informed of the situation, goes back and tells the blonde that her assigned seat is in economy, and again, she replies the same.

Not wanting to cause a commotion, the captain returns to the cockpit to discuss the situation with the first officer. The FO says his girlfriend is blonde, and that he'll take care of it. He goes back and whispers something in the blonde's ear. Immediately she gets up, thanks the FO profusely, and returns to economy. The captain and flight attendant are stunned and ask the FO how he was able to so quickly diffuse the situation.

The FO replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."

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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and

would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket

and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a

couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he

now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady

who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to

1603 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that

house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.

Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the

goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.

We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow

without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the

alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your

way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint,

two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up

against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied,

'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the

bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

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