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The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)


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What a night I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my truck: Officer: "Li

A penguin walked into the bar and said I’m looking for my brother. “What does he look like” asked the barman.

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  • 4 weeks later...

The Queen and The Donald

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of Central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Brits; all is going well.

Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two Heads of State do their best to ignore the horse's emissions.

The Queen politely turns to President Trump and says: "Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets. I am sure that you understand that there are some things that even a Queen can not control."

President Trump, being presidential responded; "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

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  • 3 weeks later...

Donald Trump was having afternoon tea with Queen Elizabeth in Buckingham Palace, outlining his plans for the future of the USA.

"As I'm the President" said Trump, "I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom", to which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Donal Trump thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Trump". Donald thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little p****d off by now replied "Sorry again, Mr Trump, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before The Donald could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

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  • 1 month later...

Bloke walks into Waterstones and after browsing the medical section for a while approaches the counter,  The girl serving says, " Hello Sir, is there something specific you are looking for?"  "Yes" says the man, " I'm looking for the new book about men with micro-penises".  The girl looks at her computer screen, then says, " I don't think its in yet".  the man replies, "That's the one, i'll take a copy!"

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One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the bloody intercom!..😂

Edited by dodgy-alan
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  • 2 weeks later...

A wife treats hubby by taking him to a strip club for his birthday...At the club, the Doorman says, "Hi Jim how are you?"

The wife asks, "How does he know you?" Jim says "Oh dear, I play football with him"

Inside the bartender says, "The usual, Jim?"

Jim says to wife, "Before you say anything, he's on the Darts Team"

Next a Stripper says, "Hi Jim, do you crave the special again??"

The wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps in a Taxi.

The Taxi Driver says, "Hey Jimmy boy! you picked up an ugly one this time"

Jims funeral is on Sunday!!!

 

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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

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13 hours ago, CAT3508 said:

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Psttt....Neil.  You gonna give us all a laugh and post a picture of you in that leotard!!!!!:P

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  • 2 weeks later...

It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses. A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Do you know any in your area?

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
 He described a typical day this way:

 Well, yesterday afternoon,
 I waded along the edge of a lake,
 drank eight beers,
 escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
 jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake,
 marched up and down several rocky hills,
 stood in a patch of poison ivy,
 crawled out of quicksand
 and took four leaks behind big trees.

 Inspired by the story, the doctor said, You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!

 NAH, he replied, I'm just a terrible golfer.

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