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The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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What a night I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my truck: Officer: "Li

A penguin walked into the bar and said I’m looking for my brother. “What does he look like” asked the barman.

My urologist’s office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone - due to the Coronavirus.  One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was

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  • 2 weeks later...
More puns...(I can already hear the moans)!

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.

I didn’t think the chiropractor could improve my posture… but I stand corrected.

I took my new girlfriend to the ice rink on our first date. It was half-price night. She called me a cheap-skate.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16. So the difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.
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The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.

 noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."

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When Pete first noticed that his Johnson was growing larger
And had more staying power, Pete was delighted, as was Kate.

But... After several weeks, his Johnson had grown so that it was dragging on the ground.

Pete became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So Kate and Pete went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to them that,
Though rare, Pete's condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" Kate asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," Said Kate? coldly, "you're going to make his legs longer aren't you?

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