CAT3508 284 Posted December 18, 2021 Report Share Posted December 18, 2021 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,164 Posted December 18, 2021 Report Share Posted December 18, 2021 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 284 Posted December 27, 2021 Report Share Posted December 27, 2021 I asked my Chinese flatmate if he'd seen my cocaine. He said "Yes, he was great in The Italian Job". 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 284 Posted January 18 Report Share Posted January 18 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,164 Posted January 19 Report Share Posted January 19 Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back into play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!! In a flash and a puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life..... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life ........as a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!' Then POOF! ... she was gone! After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?' Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.' Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 284 Posted February 20 Report Share Posted February 20 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,164 Posted February 21 Report Share Posted February 21 Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "That can't be accurate." 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 284 Posted February 21 Report Share Posted February 21 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,164 Posted March 5 Report Share Posted March 5 Wow, catching up on things in person, how old fashioned. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,164 Posted March 5 Report Share Posted March 5 Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The second sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The first is a Golden Retriever. The second is a Senior Citizen. Next time take me to a vet! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 284 Posted March 11 Report Share Posted March 11 Squirrels in church The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The United church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue ever since they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,164 Posted March 12 Report Share Posted March 12 What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,375 Posted March 13 Author Report Share Posted March 13 SHAG is such a funny word. To a carpet maker it’s a long pile rug. To a smoker it’s a type of tobacco. To an American it’s a dance. To an Ornithologist it’s a bird. And to you, it’s only a remote possibility. 1 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,164 Posted March 13 Report Share Posted March 13 Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating. One of the gay guys turns around and asks, "Okay, who farted?" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,164 Posted March 20 Report Share Posted March 20 Yesterday, I was walking down the street when I met a gorgeous blonde woman with perfect breasts who was almost as tall as me. She offered to have sex with me if I advertised a car, but I refused because my priorities are high. But not as high as the quality of the 2022 Honda CRV. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,164 Posted March 24 Report Share Posted March 24 Thanks everyone for your concern. First off, I'm OK, I was a bit shaken up though. For those of you that aren’t aware, I was robbed at Tesco petrol station earlier this morning. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money is gone, however. The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, “Yes, it was pump number 2.” 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,164 Posted March 28 Report Share Posted March 28 Today at the gym, i asked a girl what her new year's resolution was She said ''F**k you'' so, I'm pretty excited for 2022 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,164 Posted April 8 Report Share Posted April 8 Hahahahahaha Quote Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,164 Posted April 12 Report Share Posted April 12 They didn't really put that on the label, did they? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,164 Posted April 12 Report Share Posted April 12 I really don't mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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