One Liners pt2

[mutley 4,487]

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me, "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

Then I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today. I said to them, "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first." He went, "Baah," and I went, "Moo." He said, "You're closest."

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said, "I careered off the road."

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said, "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Cheers

[MartinW 0]

:roll:

Greta stuff Mut, I’ve just emailed them to my wife’s work place. She’ll have a laugh courtesy of the Mut when she gets in, in the morning. :wink:

Mart.

[dgor 0]

Love them Mut :-)

[JoeEllwood 0]

:mrhappy:

[mulletman 0]

How on earth do yo find these.... :mrhappy: