Aussie Etiquette

[mutley 4,498]

I used to work for a guy of Aussie origin, he has to have been my best boss ever and he typified all that was OZ. After receiving this mail it brought it all back.

Chuck a few snags on the barbie and enjoy!

For those not in the know:

Stubby : a small bottle of beer

Esky: cool box

Ute: Pick-up or backie

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from our jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.

2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. (Except in NZ)

2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun’s loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

Hope you enjoyed (Especially Joe :mrhappy: )

Cheers

[dgor 0]

:mrhappy: :eyebrow: They're great Joe! :rofl

[JoeEllwood 0]

Heard them before - still classics in my book!

[hello_basil 0]

We've got an Australian maths teacher, everytime someone does something stupid or gets a question wrong he'll call them a "Gallah".

Now apparentally a "Gallah" is a stupid person, taken from the name of the bird in Australia that stands in the road all day long and is too fickle to realise there are cars coming! :-)

[allardjd 1,853]

Europeans heighten threat levels (Reuters: London, May 2, 2007, 0905 GMT)

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

 

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

 

Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out.

 

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

 

NOTE: I cut this out of an article a friend sent. It had much less flattering paragraphs about several other European entities that I feared might be offensive, so I left them out. I hope no one is bothered by this part. I read it as a testament to Britain's general unflappability.

 

John

[mutley 4,498]

I say old man, that's just not cricket you know!

It's all the thanks you get for handing the colonies over to the natives!

The latest security level we have in Britain is "Bovvered" (Bothered) Do I look bovvered? Even President Tony Bliar got on the bandwagon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sluVp4oknJw

Thanks John,

Keep them coming

:wink:

[ddavid 149]

Thanks for sharing these gems, Joe. I particularly liked the:

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. (Except in NZ)

It is a bit unfair on the all blacks really, but it does have a certain resonance.....

By the way, was it really Rory Bremner? Amazing likeness. :blink:

Cheers - Dai. :wink: