hurricanemk1c 195 Posted May 30, 2012 Report Share Posted May 30, 2012 Two more from me Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one." Link to post Share on other sites
mike H 456 Posted May 30, 2012 Report Share Posted May 30, 2012 Nice One guys Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted May 31, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2012 One from the annals of Heathrow that was heard by myself and several other teenage spotters in the 70s the airport was particularly busy and a BA Trident was taxying towards 28L when the tower piped up, "speedbird #### can you please hold at block 75 and let the Lufthansa 727 go around you?" Back came the reply " Will do but be aware our t/o time is now, why do we have to wait?" then with a rare burst of teutonic humour the Lufthansa captain piped up "It's because we left a towel on the runway!" Link to post Share on other sites
stu7708 244 Posted June 1, 2012 Report Share Posted June 1, 2012 A few of my favorites, all found over on Schiratti.com.. A deer is on the runway... so... Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off. Student: "What should I do? What should I do?" Inst: "What do you think you should do?" (think-think-think) Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away." Inst: "That's a good idea." (Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.) Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN. Std: "What should I do? What should I do?" Inst: "What do you think you should do?" (think-think-think) Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower." Inst: "That's a good idea." Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway. (long pause) Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure. (Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.) Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer. It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off. ----- ARN851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15." Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06." ----- Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself." --- Link to post Share on other sites
jaydor 345 Posted June 1, 2012 Report Share Posted June 1, 2012 LOL.. Loved the 1st one. :D Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,498 Posted June 1, 2012 Report Share Posted June 1, 2012 That last one is brilliant! Link to post Share on other sites
jaydor 345 Posted June 1, 2012 Report Share Posted June 1, 2012 " aint makin a date with the young lady from Halifax". "I don't want to be the Halifaxed Terminated" Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted June 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 One from the vaults of Trinity House, (for those that don't know, this organization controls all of the UKs lighthouses, lightships and bouys) A big US Navy Carrier was steaming up the English Channel when the lookouts spotted the lights of a vessel dead ahead. at the time the ships captain was on the bridge and so he was notified of the confilcting traffic, the conversation o the marine radio went thus This is USS John C Stennis to the vessel dead ahead of me, I am a large ship and cannot manoever , please turn to port!" Back came the reply "This is the vessel dead ahead of you, suggest YOU turn to port as we cannot do so." back came the carriers pompous Captain." I am the captain of this carrier and I am insisting that you Must get out of my way!" again the reply, "Sir I respect your rank and your size but I must insist that YOU MUST change course immediately!" again the reply," I am in command of a very large ship, If I hit you I won't even feel it ! get out of my way!" Again the measured engish voice replied, " Sir I must insist that you turn away NOW, I am the master of a LIGHTHOUSE on a pile of rocks, and can assure you that if you hit us we won't feel a thing but you most certainly will !" ....chaos and panic ensued on the carrier!! Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 Come on now, Alan, you don't believe that fairy tale REALLY happened, do you? John Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted June 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 It may not have been the John C Stennis but it definately happened, I was an American Carrier and it happened off the Wolf Rock lighthouse near lands end! Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted June 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 Another story concerning a US carrier and her attending escorts happened during a mediterranean fleet excersise with the Royal Navy and the RAF. My father-in-law was on the aircraft involved ! The Exercise was due to begin at a certain time and sure enough H Hour arrived and the Carrier hastily prepared to launch her aircraft fully aware that the Brits were doing the same. 30 seconds after the beginnining of the exercise came the call, "Sorry to inform you but the US Carrier group has just been wiped out by the RAF!" There was some confusion as no attacking aircraft had been detected, They had been expecting a strike from the much vaunted Buccaneers of the Royal Navy! The carrier commander asked "what the hell are you guys talking about, youre nowhere near us!" Back came the reply " Look UP !" A fading contrail was all that could now be seen, the voice continued " Your fleet has just been wiped out in a nuclear strike ! We've won!" A stewards enquiry was called and the claim was declared valid. It seems the Americans had been expecting a conventional carrier strike, they had simply forgotten our most solid carrier in the Med, namely RAF Akrotiri in Cyprus. My Father-in -laws Valiant Bomber had been transitting through the area from the far east and after leaving the base for the UK after refueling had been asked to join in the excersise, She had been directed towards the US Carrier group at 45,000 ft and was in position at the start of the exercise, as soon as the Ex began they had "Nuked" the fleet and as the carriers escorts were close to their mother ship they were deemed sunk as well! The Americans protested but the NATO adjudicators simply told them they had learned a lesson in keeping a lookout from ALL environments! Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 I have no trouble believing that one. The lighthouse story strikes me as a piece of pure fiction. John Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted June 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 I'll try and verify the lighthouse story John, I heard about it some years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted June 2, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 Finally verified that story, It is indeed an Urban legend and there are several versions of it ! I most cases it does indeed feature an Amercan ship and in most cases either a Canadian or Irish lighthouse, Google it, It's all out there. So It's not true but still makes for a lot of humour. It basically highlights the dangers of complacency and inflexibility! :D :D http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lighthouse_and_naval_vessel_urban_legend 1-0 to you on this one John. Link to post Share on other sites
hurricanemk1c 195 Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 The second story is excellent Alan! Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted June 2, 2012 Report Share Posted June 2, 2012 It basically highlights the dangers of complacency and inflexibility! ...and arrogance. I suspect that the guys driving our aircraft carriers may have to work hard at not being arrogant or inflexible (Didn't you guys have a ship by that name once?), but I suspect that complacency is not often a problem. After all, the Admiral is only one floor up. Thanks for clearing that up. I'd have been very surprised if that had turned out to be the documented truth. Not that some ship drivers haven't done some bone-headed things over the years, beginning with Captain Noah, who managed to run aground on the top of a Turkish mountain. They're still trying to free that one. John Link to post Share on other sites
Tim_A 997 Posted June 4, 2012 Report Share Posted June 4, 2012 Yeah, I forgot you guys across the pond would never have heard of it, It's an old colloquialism for a Slaughterman. It comes from the old farming traditions, especially in the north of England around Yorkshire etc. When a horse or cow etc was basicaly worn out ,terminally sick, tired or as it was (and still is), termed Knackered, the farmer would send for the "knackerman" to take it away to the abbatoir. The animals were not fit for human consumption but could be used for petfood or ground into fertiliser. It's much more specific than that. Slaughtermen and slaughterhouses produce meat specifically for human consumption, whereas a knacker (I never heard of them being called knackermen) works in a Knacker's Yard, which is a rendering plant for producing glue, fertiliser and 'dog food' (i.e. not fit for human consumption), and typically using tired, old horses. Knacker's Yard is also used as a general reference to the last resting place for anything broken & worn out. Anything that ends up in the knacker's yard is, of course, knackered. (be thankful the Americans haven't got hold of the word yet and knackerized it... ) Private Eye runs a spoof detective column that features Inspector Knacker of The Yard ("The Yard" in any kind of fiction or drama always refers to Scotland Yard, the headquarters of the Metropolitan Police) I've never heard knackers being used as a reference to bollocks, which isn't to say it's not possible. Very common (in the UK anyhow) is nadgers, which sounds similar, but only dates back to the 1950s (it was popularised by radio comedy shows like The Goons and Round the Horne as a way of getting around the censorship laws of the time). Nadgers probably comes from nads, a shortened form of gonads. Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted June 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2012 Knackerman was quit a commonly used word in Yorkshire when I lived up there and if you ever read any of the James Herriot books you'll find it was even in use long before ww2. Its use as another for b-llocks is mainly an australian thing but is also heard from time to time over here. Another use of the word Knacker was that used to describe the itinerant Irish travellers both in Ireland and over here, A Knackers Yard was basically, as you have already said, was a scrap yard for old and worn out things, Again this refers back to the travellers as many of them made a living by selling old and worn out items to various scrap yards, they became known in England of course as Rag and Bone Men, Testicles have a variety of nicknames, Knackers, Goolies, B-llocks,Nuts, Nadgers, wedding tackle, wedding bells, Balls, Plums etc. No doubt the Americans have their own slang for them as well. Such is the richness of the English language and how it has evolved over the years. Each county ,or even village in some parts, has its own vernacular and terms that are very different from there neighbours. Although it is said that the British and the Americans both speak English, in actual fact the differences are incredible in their meanings and terminology. Probably most obvious when it comes to cars. We have a common language in name alone. Word meanings have changed a lot over the years. Gay for instance used to mean happy or cheerful, not as it is now. Fanny was a girls name but was also used as slang in the 50s for arse/bum/backside.It was only in the 60s that it became slang for a ******. A lot of the words we used to use have also had there meanings changed in my lifetime. I really feel for the forign visitors coming here and trying to understand our language, It's a nightmare! :D Link to post Share on other sites
ddavid 149 Posted June 4, 2012 Report Share Posted June 4, 2012 Nah then - when I were a lad, we used the term 'fell-monger' for the collection of already dead or worn-out (or sick) animals (horses, sheep, cattle). When the fell-monger had to 'slaughter' a live animal, we used the term 'put off'. Whether this was a kinder way of saying killing, I'm not sure, but it does give a slightly different feel to the saying "Don't put off 'til tomorrow what you can do today!" But then we used another expression: "Farm as if you'll farm forever but live as if you'll die tomorrow". Mixed messages are us, eh? Cheers - Dai. Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted June 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2012 Nah then - when I were a lad, we used the term 'fell-monger' for the collection of already dead or worn-out (or sick) animals (horses, sheep, cattle). Cheers - Dai. Nah then, Fell-monger's a term ah've not heard fer a long time tha knows, It were a term we din't hear too much in Leeds, but then a lot o' them 'ad nivver bin owt't city! As I were a bus driver around the area ah got ter know a lot o'the county and its various little foibles. But there were a few bits of advice ah've allus clung on to, See All, say nowt, Eat all, pay nowt, an if tha does owt fer nowt do it fer thesen! Reet ahm off afore get accused o' knowin too much clog iron!! And if that hasn't confused people I'm not sure what will ! Link to post Share on other sites
ddavid 149 Posted June 4, 2012 Report Share Posted June 4, 2012 Last week I heard a gem on the wireless (21st Century stuff this, Lads! - Ed). Ken Bruce (Aarghh! - Ed) was talking about the up-coming Eurovision Song Contest (I don't believe this! - Ed) and mentioned that Norway had won the title sometime in the 1970's. He went on to say: "Of course, a lot of dogs are called Grieg, in Yorkshire..." His companion, who I can't remember (Just get on with it! - Ed) asked why, to which Mr Bruce replied: "Because, whenever the dog goes into the sitting room, they Peer Gynt Suite." And, so to the musical clue: Cheers - Dai. Link to post Share on other sites
Tim_A 997 Posted June 4, 2012 Report Share Posted June 4, 2012 Southern dogs are just better trained.... Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted June 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2012 Southern dogs are just better trained.... Not so sure about that, Go around Littlehampton on a Saturday night and you'll see some right ones ! Booze and sex on a Saturday, Look after the baby on Sunday, Back at school on Monday ! Link to post Share on other sites
Tim_A 997 Posted June 4, 2012 Report Share Posted June 4, 2012 Now you're getting confused. Them's doggers... Link to post Share on other sites
PanzerFodder 0 Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 I can't believe that Tim has never been hit in the Knackers! I thought everyone in the UK knew that one Cheer's...Graham... Link to post Share on other sites
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