The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[CAT3508 343]

[brett 2,316]

[CAT3508 343]

I asked my Chinese flatmate if he'd seen my cocaine.

He said "Yes, he was great in The Italian Job".

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[brett 2,316]

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back into play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!! In a flash and a
puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make
those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any
butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life..... better still, you
won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life ........as
a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest
of your life!!!'

Then POOF! ... she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred,
where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!

[CAT3508 343]

[brett 2,316]

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "That can't be accurate."

[CAT3508 343]

[CAT3508 343]

[brett 2,316]

Wow, catching up on things in person, how old fashioned.

[brett 2,316]

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.
Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,
then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist,
then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Senior Citizen.
Next time take me to a vet!

[CAT3508 343]

Squirrels in church

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The United church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue ever since they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

 

 

[brett 2,316]

What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?

[mutley 4,498]

SHAG is such a funny word.

To a carpet maker it’s a long pile rug.

To a smoker it’s a type of tobacco.

To an American it’s a dance.

To an Ornithologist it’s a bird.

And to you, it’s only a remote possibility.

[brett 2,316]

Four gay guys are sitting in a Jacuzzi when all of a sudden, a condom starts floating. One of the gay guys turns around and asks, "Okay, who farted?"

[CAT3508 343]

[brett 2,316]

Yesterday, I was walking down the street when I met a gorgeous blonde woman with perfect breasts who was almost as tall as me. She offered to have sex with me if I advertised a car, but I refused because my priorities are high.

But not as high as the quality of the 2022 Honda CRV.

[brett 2,316]

Thanks everyone for your concern.
First off, I'm OK, I was a bit shaken up though.
For those of you that aren’t aware, I was robbed at Tesco petrol station earlier this morning.
After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police
They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof!
My money is gone, however.
The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them,
“Yes,

 

 

it was pump number 2.”

[CAT3508 343]

[brett 2,316]

Today at the gym, i asked a girl what her new year's resolution was

She said ''F**k you''



so, I'm pretty excited for 2022

[CAT3508 343]

[brett 2,316]

Hahahahahaha

[CAT3508 343]

[brett 2,316]

They didn't really put that on the label, did they?

[brett 2,316]

I really don't mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.