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The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

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The old ones are the best! Feel free to add your joke here but keep it clean. (Alan !)

I'll start........

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag six.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six.
The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'


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What a night I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer... The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my truck: Officer: "Li

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As I was flying passed an Irish airlines b737 in a thunder storm, l noticed faces at every window smiling at me.

I radioed the pilot and told him that it was very dangerous for his passengers to look at the lightning flashes.

He replied they were not looking at the lightning flashes, they thought you were taking their photo.

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Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."

"Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

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As the recently departed Taffic (B*****d) er, Warden, was being lowered into the ground,

There were knocking sounds heard coming from the box,

"I'm alive, I'm not dead' I'm Alive",

The minister bent down and whispered to the coffin,

"You're too b****y late, the paperwork's already done.


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Hehe, couldn't help yourself huh. :D I'll break the chain because I see a whole lot of "groan" jokes comming.........

"I want to die like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming in terror like his passengers"

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"Go and have a look at the size of the s**t I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.

"No thanks," she replied.

"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it."


She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."

I said, "It's on the scales."

This is not mine, I was sent it on FB. Apologies if you are eating your dinner. :rofl:

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Ready for next Christmas, my special fruit cake recipe..


1 Cup water

2 Cups dried fruit

1 Tablespoon salt

1 Cup sugar

4 Large eggs

Lemon juice

1 tsp. baking soda

8 oz Nuts

8 oz Butter

1 Bottle Whiskey


Sample the whiskey to check for quality,

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup and drink.


Turn on the electric mixer, beat 2 oz. butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one tsp. of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixterer. Break two bowls and add to the eggs and chuck in the dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey again to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift to sups of calt or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table spoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

Next day, take 3 aspirins -and go to Marks and Spencer. Buy Christmas cake.

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A hotel was hosting a Chess Tournament, a large number of the players were gathered in the reception area all talking loudly, bragging about who they'd beaten etc, such was their disturbance that the manager ordered them all into the street! His deputy was aghast, " Why did you do that? It's Christmas Eve for heavens sake!" The manager looked at him and said " So what, I cannot stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!" :D

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Once upon a time, there was a south pacific tribe, living on a small island. They had a benevolent King who was loved by the entire population.

For the King's birthday the people put their heads together and finally decided that a new, ornate, throne would be an appropriate gift.

The chief carver and the chief woodcutter got together and selected the best wood. The fishermen donated the best mother-of-pearl. The women gathered and began weaving the finest tapestries. Finally, one week before the big celebration, the throne was finished.

The people agonised over a suitable hiding place, for they did not want the King to see the throne and spoil the surprise. The village idiot suggested storing it in the attic of the King's house as "who looks in their own attics?" This made sense to the population, so they diverted the King's attention and hid the throne.

On the night before his birthday, the King was asleep in his bed when the ancient structure of his hut, no longer able to support the weight of the new throne, collapsed. The falling throne struck the King on the head and killed him. Dead!

The people were distraught. They tore their clothes, wailed to the heavens. They impeached the Gods!

Suddenly a load voice issued from the very air about them and said:

Listen to me! There is a lesson here! People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.

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King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites.

His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, ♫ "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are." ♫


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An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the Medicine man.

After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.

The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

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