The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[allardjd 1,853]

Apologies to Andrew for this one...

A very posh British surgeon at a field hospital looks down at at bleeding

and moaning Australian 'digger':

Surgeon: "My God, man! Did you come in here to die!"

Aussie: "No, Sir, I came in here yesterday"

[allardjd 1,853]

Aviation Wisdom:

 

To go up, pull the stick back. To go down, pull the stick back harder. (e.g. Air France 447)

 

John

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

( to the tune of My bonnie lies over the ocean.)

 

The poor aviator was dying,

Surrounded by wreckage he lay,

To his comrades all gathered around him,

These last parting words he did say.

Take the cylinders out of my kidneys,

The connecting rod out of my brain, my braaiiin!

From the small of my take the crankshaft,

And assemble the engine again!

[mutley 4,498]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Maliand have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bar stewards."

They don't have any other levels.

This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."

The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."

Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."

They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate."

Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled."

So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

 

Anyone i have missed? 

[mutley 4,498]

Man: Doctor I've got a lettuce growing out of my bottom.

Dr: Bend over I'll have a look...mmm, yes I think I can see a small leaf.

Man: That's just the tip of the Iceberg!

[allardjd 1,853]

Anyone i have missed?

 

Ahem...

 

This would make a great captioning topic, to include US, Canada, Mexico, Argentina, both Koreas, India and Pakistan, Iraq and Afghanistan, Israel, Egypt, Iran, Netherlands, Japan, China, Russia, South Africa, Ireland, Greece, Switzerland and Libya, to name a few.

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

I was sat at a bus stop the other day when I noticed the guy next to me had a steering wheel poking out of his trousers, Puzzled I remarked, " Are you aware there's a steering wheel poking out of your trousers?" to which he replied, "Yes I Know, It's driving me nuts!"

[Hesynergy 0]

THE GORILLA AND THE RED NECK

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was

in heat. To make matters worse, no male gorillas were available. Desperate for a

solution to the problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck

part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee was known

to have very little sense, but frequently claimed to possess the ability to satisfy a

female of any species. The Zoo Keeper wondered if Bobby might be the solution.

The Zoo Keeper approached Bobby Lee and asked if he would be willing to mate with

the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby seemed interested, but said he would need to think the

matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced he would accept the offer on five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She has to wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."

The keeper again agreed.

"Third", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this."

The Keeper promised strict confidentiality.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist."

Once again the Keeper agreed.

And last," Bobby Lee said, "Youre gonna have to let me have another week to come up with the

$500.00.

...chas

a mutley newbie and rednek

[mutley 4,498]

Groan!

Welcome to the Hangar Chas.

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

LOL, oh dear!

[brett 2,315]

 Welcome Chas. And just so you know, you started it..........

You would be a redneck if:

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.

You take a fishing pole to Sea World.

The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.

Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.

The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

 

 

Cheers from a half breed redneck

[allardjd 1,853]

...and my favorite in that vein....

 

You've ever carried a bucket of paint up a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

 

John

[mutley 4,498]

Superb selection Brett!

@John, I am still working that one out

[allardjd 1,853]

Sometimes in small towns the catwalk encircling the water tower is an irresistable place for very large grafitti pronouncements to be painted.  Sometimes "ladies" of easy charms are "commemorated" there, so a redneck might at times be forced to ascend, brush in hand, to cover his sister's name.

 

John

[brett 2,315]

been there.......

[mutley 4,498]

Very delicately put John! 

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Sounds like you've either lived in some very dodgy places or you've never been to Essex! (PS over here we don't bother with water towers, just mobile phone numbers written on the walls of gents toilets!)

[allardjd 1,853]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist,

"Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting

for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the

gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have

a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't

have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

 

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man

asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the

dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

 

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

[mutley 4,498]

Priceless John, that is so cruel!

[allardjd 1,853]

Well, at least he took her to the dentist.

 

John

[mutley 4,498]

Paddy and Mick got to the scuba diving . Paddy asks Mick "Here Mick how come these scuba divers roll into the water backwards all the time "

"Dummy" Say Paddy "If they rolled forward they would still be in the boat"

[mutley 4,498]

What is Forrest Gump's email password?

>

>

>

>

>

1Forrest1

[allardjd 1,853]

...as spoken by Elmer (Be vewy, vewy qwiet...) Fudd.

 

John

[mutley 4,498]

A man found dead chewed 2 death by a shark in the Seychelles did not suffer too much the doctors say...

He was only married 5 days..

[brett 2,315]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

 

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested.
"But what if my wife finds out?"
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!"
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it never worked."