Lucy.P 168 Posted November 28, 2019 Report Share Posted November 28, 2019 I have the mind of a criminal genius. I keep it in the freezer next to Mother.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted November 29, 2019 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2019 No joke! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted December 11, 2019 Report Share Posted December 11, 2019 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted January 4, 2020 Report Share Posted January 4, 2020 The Queen and The DonaldAs Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of Central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Brits; all is going well.Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two Heads of State do their best to ignore the horse's emissions.The Queen politely turns to President Trump and says: "Mr. President, please accept my deepest regrets. I am sure that you understand that there are some things that even a Queen can not control."President Trump, being presidential responded; "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lucy.P 168 Posted January 22, 2020 Report Share Posted January 22, 2020 Climate change is such a joke, even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted January 23, 2020 Report Share Posted January 23, 2020 Donald Trump was having afternoon tea with Queen Elizabeth in Buckingham Palace, outlining his plans for the future of the USA."As I'm the President" said Trump, "I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom", to which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."Donal Trump thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Trump". Donald thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"The Queen, getting a little p****d off by now replied "Sorry again, Mr Trump, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."Before The Donald could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country". 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted January 28, 2020 Report Share Posted January 28, 2020 4 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted March 1, 2020 Report Share Posted March 1, 2020 Bloke walks into Waterstones and after browsing the medical section for a while approaches the counter, The girl serving says, " Hello Sir, is there something specific you are looking for?" "Yes" says the man, " I'm looking for the new book about men with micro-penises". The girl looks at her computer screen, then says, " I don't think its in yet". the man replies, "That's the one, i'll take a copy!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted March 2, 2020 Report Share Posted March 2, 2020 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted March 2, 2020 Report Share Posted March 2, 2020 (edited) One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" Her: "No way. It's just too risky!" Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much!" Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?" Her: "No, no. I just can't" Him: "I beg you... " Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the bloody intercom!..😂 Edited March 2, 2020 by dodgy-alan Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted March 11, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 11, 2020 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted March 11, 2020 Report Share Posted March 11, 2020 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dogtrack 346 Posted March 17, 2020 Report Share Posted March 17, 2020 Two husbands were having a conversation, first guy (proudly): "My wife's an Angel !" Second guy : "You're lucky, mines still alive." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted March 17, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2020 A blonde drops off her dress at the dry cleanersThe shop assistant says, thanks, "Come Again!"The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted March 17, 2020 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2020 The inventor of AutoCorrect is a stupid mass hole. He can fake right off. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dogtrack 346 Posted March 18, 2020 Report Share Posted March 18, 2020 A wife treats hubby by taking him to a strip club for his birthday...At the club, the Doorman says, "Hi Jim how are you?" The wife asks, "How does he know you?" Jim says "Oh dear, I play football with him" Inside the bartender says, "The usual, Jim?" Jim says to wife, "Before you say anything, he's on the Darts Team" Next a Stripper says, "Hi Jim, do you crave the special again??" The wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps in a Taxi. The Taxi Driver says, "Hey Jimmy boy! you picked up an ugly one this time" Jims funeral is on Sunday!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted March 20, 2020 Report Share Posted March 20, 2020 I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tristarcaptain 282 Posted March 20, 2020 Report Share Posted March 20, 2020 13 hours ago, CAT3508 said: I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. Psttt....Neil. You gonna give us all a laugh and post a picture of you in that leotard!!!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted March 20, 2020 Report Share Posted March 20, 2020 Believe me, I dont think it would be a very pretty sight, plus I wouldn't like to cause any sudden heart attacks. Link to post Share on other sites
CAT3508 343 Posted March 25, 2020 Report Share Posted March 25, 2020 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted April 5, 2020 Report Share Posted April 5, 2020 So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted April 5, 2020 Report Share Posted April 5, 2020 It is with great sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses. A local bra manufacturer has gone bust, a submarine company has gone under, a manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation, a dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers and a company supplying paper for origami enthusiasts has folded. Do you know any in your area? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted April 9, 2020 Report Share Posted April 9, 2020 During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level. He described a typical day this way: Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees. Inspired by the story, the doctor said, You must be one hell of an outdoorsman! NAH, he replied, I'm just a terrible golfer. Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,314 Posted April 9, 2020 Report Share Posted April 9, 2020 Want to stop drunk drivers from killing sober drivers, ban sober drivers from driving, that’s how gun control works. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Please sign in to comment
You will be able to leave a comment after signing in
Sign In Now