The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[Philmurfin 51]

The Golden Saloon

 

A guy comes home completely drunk one night, he lurches through the door

and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.


‘Where the hell have you been all night?’ she demands.

‘At this fantastic new bar,’ he says. ‘The Golden Saloon, everything there is golden.

It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – hell, even the urinal’s gold!’



The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book,

finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.



She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.

‘Is this the Golden Saloon?’ she asks when the bartender answers the phone.



‘Yes, it is,’ the bartender answers.
‘Do you have huge golden doors?’
‘Sure do.’ ‘Do you have golden floors?’
‘Most certainly do.’
‘What about golden urinals?’



There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
‘Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!’

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[brett 2,315]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

‘Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’

The pharmacist fainted.

[brett 2,315]

An older couple, Morris and Evelyn who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, Morris decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex” he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", replied Evelyn. Morris sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered,

"Is that one word or two?" 
****************************************
Ed and his wife Norma go to the local fair every year, And every year Ed would say,

" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Norma always replied, "I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, " Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Norma replied, " Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said, " Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

Ed replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out,
But you know...

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

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[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #7

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

And Finally

Two repairmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A female engineer walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The engineer took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One repairman shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both men have since been removed from their repair jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

 

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

Forget Newton and Galileo.

Here are the real laws of nature:

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose begins to itch and you'll need to pee.

2.Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, rolls to the least accessible corner.

3.Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law-If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.Law of Close Encounters- The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9.Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11..Law of the Theater.- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your spouse will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14.Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument- Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-As soon as you find a product that you really like, they stop making it.

19.Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

 

 

 

 

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[CAT3508 343]

[brett 2,315]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing', the man offered. "Once, on a trip to a big bikers festival called the 'Bulldog Bash', in Hunstanton, I came across a gang of Hells Angels who were threatening to take advantage of a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I grabbed the biggest guy by the nipple ring, kicked him in the groin and then round kicked the next-biggest guy in the face. Then I grabbed the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and punched him square on his nose, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. Then I shouted - Back off or I will chin the lot of you!"

St. Peter was impressed. In fact, he was well impressed! "When did all this happen?" he asked.

"About ten minutes ago."

[brett 2,315]

[CAT3508 343]

[CAT3508 343]

[brett 2,315]

i don't know about the elegance part but we could use signs here in the States about accuracy.

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[brett 2,315]

A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Nanaimo, British Columbia and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.

You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is $95,000, and you'll have to go to Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

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[brett 2,315]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
And were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
At 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
When he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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[brett 2,315]

Oldie but goodie...

A British soldier was in the desert in Afghanistan when a Taliban crawled to him over the desert.
“give me water” he said.
The British soldier replied-I don’t have water, the well is dry., would you like to buy a tie instead. They are only 5 gbp each.
You idiot, said the Taliban, I am desperate for water. I don’t need an overpriced tie.
OK, I don’t like the Taliban, and you wont buy a tie, said the soldier, but I am fair minded, so I will tell you that if you can crawl 2 miles to the east beyond the hill, you will find the Sergeant’s mess .It has all the ice cold water you need.
Several hours later the Taliban crawled back, collapsed with dehydration and rasped-“they wont let me into the mess without a f**king tie”

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[brett 2,315]

A man got on the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls & sat down next to a beautiful girl. The puzzled girl kept looking at him & his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the girl continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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