The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[mutley 4,498]

I saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes this morning.

I didn't see the person so I not going to assume what gender she was. 

[allardjd 1,853]

Did you hear about the couple who didn't know the difference between window putty and Vaseline?

...

...

...

...

...

...all their windows fell out.

John

[mutley 4,498]

Ouch! 

[brett 2,316]

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 

[allardjd 1,853]

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

John

[mutley 4,498]

The farmer altered the fence near the local park today, lowering it and putting a wooden step half way up it.

 

I have to say, I like his style...

[mutley 4,498]

Someone asked me today if there was a B&Q in Carmarthen?

 

I told them no, but there are 4 'L's in Llanelli ..

[brett 2,316]

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor:
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor:
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor:
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor:
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor:
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, watch your step, or not.
 

 

[allardjd 1,853]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. After they get their tent all set up, both men fall sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

 

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

 

"What that tell you?" asks Tonto.

 

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking,

it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be

approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is

all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Methodologically, it seems we

will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

 

"What's it tell you, Tonto?"

 

"You dumber than buffalo chips. It means someone stole the tent."

 

John

[brett 2,316]

Darn you John, I didn't want to laugh but it came out anyway.

[Quickmarch 488]

Where are all the Genie in a Bottle jokes?

 

One of my favorites:

 

Guy walking down a beach, despondent over his recent divorce, kicks an old bottle sticking up out of the sand and out pops a Genie....

 

You wish is my command, says the Genie.

 

So the guy tells the Genie his troubles and the Genie says: No worries, mate (Oz content), you have three wishes, but there's a catch: Anything I give you, your ex-wife gets double.

 

The guy does some thinking and says, Alright, I'd like a 150 foot yacht.

 

Poof! A 150 ft yacht appears off the beach.

 

The Genie then waves his hand and a 300 footer appears, anchored right in front of the smaller yacht. Your ex's new yacht, says the Genie.

 

The guy thinks a bit longer and says. Fill mine with 100 billion dollars in gold.

 

Poof!. The smaller yacht sinks down to the gunwales and almost founders under the weight. The bigger yacht disappears below the surface.

 

Cool move says the Genie. You've got one left, what'll it be?

 

The guy thinks hard then says: I'd like a mild heart attack

[allardjd 1,853]

OK, March, you reminded me of my favorite Genie joke...

 

A guy finds a lamp and rubs it - same old story - a puff of smoke and a Genie appears. In this version, however, the Genie only offers to grant one wish.

 

The guy thinks hard and says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm deathly afraid of flying. If there were a bridge I could drive my family to Hawaii for a great vacation. I wish for a bridge to Hawaii."

 

The Genie is not happy. He responds that it's a very long way across some very deep water and would be quite difficult to build. The materials alone would cost billions. He ends by saying, "Can't you think of something a little easier?"

 

The man is disappointed but says, "Well, if I can't have that, there is something else. I have never understood women no matter how hard I try. I wish you could make me understand women."

 

The Genie, of course, responds with, "Two lanes or four?"

 

John

[brett 2,316]

A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf and were teeing off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.

The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened.

When they peeked inside the house, the found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife said, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.

The wife said, "Are you a Genie?"

"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for and income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The Genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The Genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed.

After the Genie and wife were finished, the Genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The Genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, 31 years old." The Genie then asked, "And he still believes in this Genie stuff?"

 

[ddavid 149]

Right on the button, Brett - Thanks!

 

Cheers - Dai.

 

[needles 1,013]

Good one Brett.

I have some good golfing friends who I shall recite that one to.

 

 

 

If you've seen this before, my apologies.

 

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question my Lord?"

"Go ahead Carson " said his Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."

"What word is that?" said his Lordship.

"Aplomb" my Lord.

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, my Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice,'Darling does your prick still throb?'"

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

Now that is aplomb!

 

 

[mutley 4,498]

Written with true aplomb Bunsen!

[ddavid 149]

You've heard this before, but who cares...

The Rich Couple was going out for the evening when the Lady of the House gave the Butler, Sheldon the rest of the night off. She said that she and her husband would be home very late that evening and that Sheldon should enjoy the rest of evening.

 

Well, as it turned out the Wife wasn't having a good time at the party and came home early. As she walked into the house she sees Sheldon sitting in the dining room. She calls for him and tells him to follow her to the Master Bedroom. She closes it and locks the door, she looks at him and smiles ... then she says ...

 

Sheldon, "Take off my Dress" ...

He does it carefully ..

 

Sheldon, "Take off my Stockings and Garter" ...

He silently obeys her ...

 

Sheldon, "Remove my Bra and Panties" ...

As Sheldon does this the tension continues to mount.

 

She looks at him ... "Sheldon, If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again you're fired!" ...

Not quite up to Brian's standard, but I usually laugh when I hear it - again...

Cheers - Dai.

[hurricanemk1c 195]

Taken from the Chicken Wings group on Facebook - Chookie Wings (one for you Brian and all our other Scots friends!)

 

 

[allardjd 1,853]

A Newfie is visiting Texas and starts a conversation with a Texan at a

local bar.

 

The Texan asks the Newfie where he's from and the Newfie says,

"You know where New York is?"

 

The Texan says, "Yeh, yeh, I know where that is"

 

The Newfie says, "Well boy, you just drive north of there about 6

hours, turn right for 3 hours and catch a 6 hour ferry and you're there

in Newfoundland."

 

The Texan says "That's got to be close to China!"

 

The Newfie thinks about this and then says, "By gosh, I think you might

be right. I work with a Chinese guy and he goes home for lunch every day!"

 

John

[brett 2,316]

 

Dumb Texas Laws

• When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
• A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
• It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
• You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times.
• It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
• It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
• It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
• A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
• It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.
• The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

 

 

 

 

A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, "Kid, you've got to be the worst caddie in the world."

The caddie replies, "Sir, that would be too much of a coincidence."

[mutley 4,498]

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat, as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turne...d, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States". He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent."

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."

 

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

LOL!

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

A big airliner is cruising along when suddenly there's a huge bang and one of the engines explodes, the aircraft starts to descend and then another bang and it's other engine goes up. At this point the captains voice comes over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am reall sorry to tell you that we cannot rectify the damage or restart the the engines, we are unfortunatley going to have to force land the aircraft. As we are out over a very mountainous area I cannot guarantee your safety. I'm so very sorry." At this several passengers start yelling and screaming. then one really beautiful woman rips off her clothes and yells out, "All you men on here, will one of you make me feel like a real woman one last time? Please! I've never married so now I'll never feel the love of a husband!" there is a stunned silence, then an old Yorksireman at the back shouts out "Here y'are love"  and with that he rips off his shirt and throws it at the startled woman then says, "wash and iron that and then bring me a cuppa and me slippers!"

[brett 2,316]

An domineering old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.

He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.

He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?" Still, there was no response.

Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"

She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"

[mutley 4,498]

"You don't do anything romantic for me anymore" my wife said.

 

"That's where you're wrong", I replied, "I've booked a table for us tonight". 

 

She still wasn't happy, and it was nearly midnight before she potted a red.