The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[mutley 4,487]

1813 - Women have no rights. 

 

1913 - Women fight for some rights. 

 

2013 - Women are always bl**dy right. 

 

Good night!

[mutley 4,487]

Footballer Papiss Cissé was fined for refusing to wear a shirt showing Newcastle club sponsor Wonga.com

 

The fine was £5,000, rising to £47,987,654,334 if he hasn't paid by Friday!

[allardjd 1,853]

If a man says something while deep in the forest and there's no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

John

[allardjd 1,853]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the tall, cool one facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.

 

The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

 

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

 

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

 

I rest my case.

 

John

[allardjd 1,853]

Every day, a small ant arrived at work very early and started work immediately. She produced a lot and she was happy.

 

The Chief, a lion, was surprised to see that the ant was working without supervision. He thought if the ant can produce so much without supervision, wouldn't she produce even more if she had a supervisor?

 

The Chief recruited a cockroach who had extensive experience as a supervisor and who was famous for writing excellent reports. The cockroach's first decision was to set up a clocking-in attendance system. He also needed a seretary to help him write and type his reports and he recruited a spider, who manged the archives and monitored all phone calls.

 

The lion was delighted with the cockroach's reports and asked him to produce graphs to describe production rates and to analyze trends so that he could use them for presentations at board meetings. The cockroach had to buy a new computer and a laser printer and recruited a fly to manage the new IT department.

 

The ant, who had once been so productive and relaxed, hated this new plethora of paperwork and meetings which used up most of her time.

 

The lion soon came to the conclusion that it was high time to nominate a person to be in charge of the expanding department where the ant worked. The position was given to a cicada, whose first decision was to buy a carpet and an ergonomic chair for his own office. The cicada also needed a computer and a personal assistant, who he brought from his previous workplace, to help him prepare a Work and Budget Control Strategic Optimisation Plan.

 

The department where the ant works is now a sad place where no one laughs any more and everyone has become upset. It was at that time that the cicada convinced the boss lion of the absolute necessity to start a climatic study of the environment.

 

Having reviewed the budget and performance figures for the the ant's department the lion discovered that the production had fallen precipitously. He recruited an owl, a prestigiousl and renowned consultant, to carry out an audit and suggest solutions.

 

The owl spent three months in the department and came up with an enormous report in several volumes, concluding that the department was overstaffed.

 

The lion directed the cicada to reduce department staffing. The cicada promptly fired the the ant, based on the cockroach's performance evaluations of her, which stated that, "...she showed lack of motivation and had a negative attitude."

 

John

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

PMSL!

 

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

I went into an antique dealers the other day, loads of stuff there, but what struck me was the collection of chairs and tables in the corner all covered in Tampons, I asked the proprieter what that was all about,. He replied, " Oh those are for collectors who like period furniture!"

[mutley 4,487]

BBC News: Mexico is soon to overtake the US on obesity.

 

That's because all the fat ones get stuck under the fence.

[mutley 4,487]

I was in the gym changing rooms this morning when I saw a bloke watching me dry my bum.

 

I warned my mate that there was a weirdo about.

 

He said that maybe it was innocent and he was just waiting to use the hand dryers.

[brett 2,285]

A man was pulled over by a police officer and when the cop got close to the drivers window he noticed the smell of alcohol. He asked the driver "Sir, have you been drinking today?" The driver replied, "Well, I am pretty drunk, I had two six-packs of beer, a bottle of Scotch and I just finished a bottle of wine while driving." The officer said "Sir please step out of the vehicle, I need to give you a sobriety test." The driver replied, "What, you don't eff'in believe me."

[allardjd 1,853]

Ammo is getting scarce, but this morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammunition at a local gun shop that had just received a shipment.

 

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

 

She glanced at the two boxes of bullets on my front seat, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”

 

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

 

“What kind of ammo ‘ya got?”

 

John

[brett 2,285]

Good one John,

[needles 1,010]

An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."

 

[brett 2,285]

Ouch.

[SEATAC 400]

Ammo is getting scarce, but this morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammunition at a local gun shop that had just received a shipment.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of bullets on my front seat, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

“What kind of ammo ‘ya got?”

John

ROTFL

[needles 1,010]

Ammo is getting scarce, but this morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammunition at a local gun shop that had just received a shipment.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of bullets on my front seat, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

“What kind of ammo ‘ya got?”

John

Nice one John.

[needles 1,010]

I don't know why I posted this, but I guess you'll probably know.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0

[allardjd 1,853]

Two elderly gents attended a party given by a friend to celebrate his daughter's engagement to a man she had been living with for three years. They were grumbling about the decline in moral standards.

 

"All these people sleeping together before they're married...", one said indignantly. "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?"

 

"I don't know", the other answered thoughtfully. "What was her maiden name?"

 

John

[Quickmarch 488]

@Needles - LOL - Reminds me of someone I know - or is that knew?

[mutley 4,487]

"Can you read that car's number plate from here?" asked my instructor today.

 

"YESSS!" I replied, "Now can you please open the parachute!"

[jaydor 345]

 Oh dear - it's not what you say but how you say it!

Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3.. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6.. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen...

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

  11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

 

[mutley 4,487]

Superb James!

[brett 2,285]

I would not recommend telling the kid in #4 anything in person.

[needles 1,010]

 Irish Sugar Test

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and

takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the

teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid

around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get

my urine tested for sugar

."

[jaydor 345]

"The new version of the Battle of Trafalgar"

 

Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy”

Hardy: “Aye, aye sir”

Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?”

Hardy: “Sorry sir?”

Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?”

Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunity employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist”

Nelson : “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco”

Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle”

Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking”

Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead”

Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please”

Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir”

Nelson: “What?”

Hardy: “Health and safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And, they said that a rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy”

Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c'sle, Admiral”

Nelson : “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd”

Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled”

Nelson: “Differently-abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy was under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency and had to promote you to meet differently-abled quotas”

Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons”

Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”

Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy”

Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral”

Nelson: “What? This is mutiny”

Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks”

Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”

Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not”

Nelson: “We’re not?”

Hardy: “No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation”

Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil”

Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary”

Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King”

Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules”

Nelson: “Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”

Hardy: “As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment”

Nelson: “What about sodomy?”

Hardy: “The latest ruling from the European Court of Human Rights means that sodomy is to be encouraged, sir”