The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[hifly 925]

Air Haulers' wife to husband. 'Can you go to the shop and buy a loaf of bread and oh, if they've got eggs get a dozen.'

 

He comes back with 12 loaves.

[Quickmarch 488]

Re: Aircraft Troubleshooting Chart.

 

Looks exactly like the kit we use on the sailboat.

 

Brings to mind an old (1970's?) decision tree that started out with "Is it Broken?". Sorry, no way am I going to recall that one in order to post it.

 

Also the sign we mech engineers used to post on all prototypes:

 

Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
vatch das shtuffa cumoudt!!!

[allardjd 1,853]

Quickmarch's mock German post put me in mind of this one, equally dated.

 

Letter from a customer in Germany to a coffee supplier in New York. One is lead to wonder why anyone in Germany would be buying coffee from New York and why they would be surprised at any problems but anyway, here's the letter...

 

Hamburg, Germany

Adrews Coffee House

New York

 

Shentlemans,

Dur last packashages off koffee us got from you wass mitt ratt schidt gemixt. Der coffee maybe goot enuf but der ratt schidt schboils der trade ve gott. We did not see der ratt schidt in der samples vich you sent before to us. Dis taken too much time to pik der ratt schidt from der coffee oudt, it takes. We like you to schipp us der koffee in vun sack and der ratt schidt in vun udder den we mixt to suit de customer.

 

Vont you rite plees if we shud schipp bak der ratt schidt, keep der coffee and keep der schidt, or do you vant vee shud schipp bak der whole schidden vorks.

 

We vant to du rite in diss matter, we do not like this verdamt ratt schidt business.

 

Mit mush respect,

 

Hans Durden

 

PSS Is der price der same midt or midout?

[hifly 925]

Not a joke but an amusing story anyway that I read in one of my books on 'Operation Fortitude', the Allies pre D Day plan to deceive the Germans into thinking that the Allied invasion would be at the Pas de Calais.

 

You must have seen old film of the inflatable tanks and planes deployed around S E England to convince the Germans that that would be where the invasion would come from. 

 

This was not a new trick though as prior to this the Luftwaffe build an entire airfield; hangers, aircraft, vehicles, etc, out of wood.

 

The RAF got wind of this and sent over a bomber to drop a wooden bomb.

 

 

[brett 2,287]

Hahaha...love their style.

[needles 1,010]

<sub>A little old lady goes to the doctor and says :
"Doctor I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much.

My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been ...here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.

The doctor says,"I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.''

The next week the lady comes back.

"Doctor,"she says,"I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says,"Good !!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."</sub>

[brett 2,287]

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

[hifly 925]

A karma ran over my dogma

[mutley 4,488]

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[allardjd 1,853]

A man walks into the Doctor's office with a duck on his head.

 

The doctor inquires why he has a duck on his head.

 

The duck says, "It's not him doc, it's me. I've got this growth on my ass."

 

John

[needles 1,010]

 The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists:
 A Yale graduate, and a Newfoundlander.
 They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word.

 The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.
 The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:

 'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
 TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
 MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
 DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU '.

 The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they thought.

 The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

 'ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
 MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
 DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
 SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU '!

The Newfie won hands down.

[hifly 925]

There was a lookalike competion in North Korea. Everyone won first prize.

 

(Sorry, is that bad taste?)

[brett 2,287]

I don't know, is Sorry some kind of Chinese food? Never tried it.

[hifly 925]

I don't know, is Sorry some kind of Chinese food? Never tried it.

 

Yes Brett, haven't you heard of sorry beans? You and anyone in close proximity will be sorry you ate them. 

 

In China it's pronounced Solly

[allardjd 1,853]

An 80-year-old rancher from Montana goes to the clinic for a check-up.

 

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

 

"I'm from Montana and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish" says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer, a shot of whiskey and all is well."

 

"Well" says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

 

"Who said my Father's dead?"

 

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?"

 

"He's 100 years old," says the old cowboy. "In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning, and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Montana rancher and he hunts and fishes too!"

 

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Grandpa's dead?"

 

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still alive?"

 

"He's 118 years old," says the man.

 

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?"

 

"No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

 

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting Married??? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

 

"Who said he wanted to...?

[allardjd 1,853]

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=xEYFFiEnUjQ

[brett 2,287]

  May we all be so blessed.

[allardjd 1,853]

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their recess time.

The teacher says to the first child, "Hello Becky, what have you been doing at recess?"

 

Becky replies, "I have been playing in the sand box."

 

"Very good", says the teacher ", if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a cookie."

 

Becky writes 's a n d' on the blackboard. "Very good," says the teacher and gives Becky a cookie. The teacher then says, "Freddie, what have you been doing at recess?"

 

Freddie replies, "Playing with Becky in the sand box."

 

"Very good," says the teacher, ", if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a cookie."

Freddie writes 'b o x' on the blackboard. "Very good," says the teacher and gives Freddie a cookie.

The Teacher then says, "Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?"

 

"No," replies Mohammed, "I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives."

 

"Oh dear," says the teacher, ", that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a cookie."

[brett 2,287]

  May we all be so blessed.

 

For the record, the above quote was for the rancher/doctor joke. The 'oh so true' video got snuck in before I could post. Your on a roll John, the sand box one was funny too.

[allardjd 1,853]

All shamelessly stolen, Brett, with just minor edits.

John

[brett 2,287]

All shamelessly stolen, Brett, with just minor edits.

John

Aren't they all, like this one

 

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.

The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

[hifly 925]

OK this is not a joke but this daft notion that crossed my mind.

 

I don't know whether it is fact, myth or cliche but in days gone it is said that when airline pilots retired they wanted to buy a chicken farm.

 

So how about Chicken Farm Simulator? 

 

You start off with one default hen...                                                                   cont.

[mutley 4,488]

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

 

"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.

 

"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."

 

"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."

 

"Of course you can" the assistant replied,"Look at him.........he daren't cough now!!"

[hifly 925]

I decided to take the family to Monkey World for a day out. Well I got my windscreen wipers, aerial and a wing mirror ripped off and excrement thrown at us. Anyway, after we left Hastings we went to Monkey World and had a great day. 

[mutley 4,488]

"It's times like this I wished we lived abroad" I said to the wife, staring out of the window.

"Yeah the weather's crap isn't it?" she replied.

"Not the weather. Your mother's coming up the drive."