The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[rob16584 42]

An American tourist comes to England to visit. He tours around the major cities and, being a great lover of cathedrals and churches, he visits many - starting in St. Pauls Cathedral in London.

Whilst in there he is admiring the great architecture and amazing fittings when he notices a golden telephone behind the alter!
He asks some-one what the golden phone is...and gets the answer "thats a direct line to God! But it costs 50 million British pounds to use it !"
Amazed, he snaps some photos, and moves on for his next visit.

In Lincoln Cathedral he is again loooking around at the majesty of the interior, when he sees another golden telephone behind the alter. Again, he asks someone what it is...."a direct line to God mate! But its 50 million British Pounds to use it!"
Again, amazed, he snaps some photos, and moves on for his next visit.

He visits great cathedrals and churches the length and breadth of
Britain - Manchester, Glasgow, Bristol etc etc....and all have these golden phones behind the alter - £50million pounds a call.

Finally he arrives in Yorkshire and calls in Sheffield Cathedral. He is taking photos and taking it all in when he notices that there is a sign next to the golden phone which reads, "All calls 10pence".

Aghast, he asks the Vicar about it, "I have seen these golden phones in all the places I have visited, but they are £50million to call God...how come this one has that sign on it?"

The Vicar replies "This is Yorkshire my friend...its a local call from here!"

[brett 2,291]

Thanks Brett, you are obviously a very intelligent person!

 

Thank you but I Googled it.   If I could actually remember anything I read, then I would be an intelligent person.

[mutley 4,488]

A woman in a hot air balloon realised she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.

"How did you know?"

"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"

[Quickmarch 488]

OOOOHHHH! I like that one.........

[brett 2,291]

In a very high-security zone of the Air Force, a Cessna suddenly arrived undeclared. The Air Force personnel, surprised by its arrival, wasted no time in impounding the aircraft and taking the pilot into custody.

 

When questioned in the interrogation room, the pilot replied that he took off from Vegas, lost his way, and spotted the Air Force Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force did a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him in custody for the night while the investigation was on.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot was not a spy and had really lost his way. They refueled his airplane, gave him a detailed briefing, warning him to remember that he had never seen the secret Air Force base and that there would be terrible consequences if he ever spoke about the secret base to anyone. He was then allowed to take off.

The next day, to their total disbelief, the Air Force personnel see the same Cessna land there once again. The plane is immediately surrounded by the Military guards but this time, they notice there are 2 people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do whatever you want to do to me, this is my wife, please just tell her where I was last night!"

[mutley 4,488]

I remember the first time I got into some girl's knickers, my dad said, "Take them off son." 

[mutley 4,488]

My wife says she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober.

Bl**dy hell, I got married?

[mutley 4,488]

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now. 

[allardjd 1,853]

Now that's an engineer joke!

[brett 2,291]

Heisenberg & Schrodinger are driving when they are pulled over. The officer asks, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg responds, "No, but I know exactly where I was."

Figuring this odd answer is grounds for a search, the officer opens the trunk and finds a dead cat.

He says, "Do you know there's a dead cat in here?" Schrodinger replies, "I do now!"

[mutley 4,488]

Oh boy, that's deep Brett!

[brett 2,291]

Hehe, I watch the Big Bang Theory show.

[mutley 4,488]

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting.

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, and the statistician yells, ‘We got ‘im!’ ”

[brett 2,291]

Guffaw.

[britfrog 180]

I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

 

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!

A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'

 

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Kansas. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket you dumb shit!

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

[britfrog 180]

President Obama was a no-show at Margaret Thatcher's funeral despite being invited to attend and thus snubbing England's invitation as a representative of the American people.

Joe Biden also refused, as did Hillary Clinton. (By the way, former Secretary of State George Schultz went to the funeral……)

The British took note of the fact that the Obama administration chose not to send a single senior member of the Cabinet.

In fact, no actively serving, elected Democrat attended Lady Thatcher’s funeral.

The Obama Administration did, however, send a formal delegation to the funeral of Socialist Dictator Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, who died last month.

Need any more red flags??

[britfrog 180]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

" Mommy , Mommy ," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the

other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2,

3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy . The next day the

girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy , Mommy ," she yelled,

"we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only

say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy ?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy , Mommy ,"

she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the

other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her

tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy ?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[britfrog 180]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:N

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[allardjd 1,853]

@ britfrog - Re the item about the Thatcher funeral - what you say is perfectly true.  Not sure where the joke is, except on the American public.

 

John

[mutley 4,488]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her ****** appendix out!"

[allardjd 1,853]

An Oakland, California TV station KTVU has identified the pilots of Asiana 214 as...

 

• Sum Ting Wong
• Wi Tu Lo
• Ho Lee Fuk
• Bang Ding Ow

 

Really - you can't make this stuff up. They went public with this, thinking it was real information, or so they say. They have apologized.

 

John

[brett 2,291]

Hope the station manager is looking for a new job.

[mutley 4,488]

1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si. ” “Ja.”

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

[allardjd 1,853]

Love 'em!!  #5 is especially good.

 

John

[mutley 4,488]

I get most of them John, top points to anyone who gets them all!