The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[britfrog 180]

one for the yanks and us all really

 

 

Today's lesson in Irony.

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing this year the greatest amount

of free Meals and Food Stamps ever, to 46 million people.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us: "Please Do Not Feed the Wild Animals."

Their stated reason for the policy is because, "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

Thus ends today's lesson in irony.

 

 

[britfrog 180]

that didnt work then

[mutley 4,488]

Truth hurts BF!

[brett 2,291]

It's part of the "new world order" plan. All I know is they are eating better than me.

[jaydor 345]

A Romanian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Englishman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England."

The person says, "I not English, I am Pakistani."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says,

"Thank you for wonderful country England!" That person puts up his hand and says,

"I am from Afghanistan. I am not British."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Englishwoman?" She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the English?" The African lady checks her watch and says,

"Probably at work."

[jaydor 345]

[brett 2,291]

"Probably working"- So true you don't know whether to laugh or write a letter to your Rep. Good one.

[mutley 4,488]

So Paddy and his wife are lying in bed one the night and the neighbours dog's barking like billyo in the garden.

Paddy says, "Sod this!" and storms downstairs.

Five minutes later he comes back upstairs and his wife says, "What did you do?"

Paddy says, "I've put the noisy f***er in our garden - let's see how they like it!"

[brett 2,291]

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

[J G 927]

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned , he had a hat over his privates.

 

A woman walks past and says, Snickering , " IF you where a gentlemen, would lift your hat."

 

He raised an eyebrow and replied, " If you weren't so ugly, it would tip itself."

[mutley 4,488]

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

 

I think I get that one Brett!   

[mutley 4,488]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[needles 1,010]

An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

 

The waitress asks them for their orders.

 

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'

'Sounds great, I'll have the  same,' says the emu.

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40  please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

 

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'

The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

 

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

 

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..

' Same for me,' says the emu. 

 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?' 

 

'Well, love' says  the  truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

 

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!' 

 

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?' 

 

 

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

[mutley 4,488]

A salesman knocked on my door today.

"Who currently provides your Internet?" he asked.

I said, "My next door neighbour."

That's him b*ggered 

[hifly 925]

I mixed some oxygen with some magnesium and thought OMg

[mutley 4,488]

I mixed some oxygen with some magnesium and thought OMg

Superb! 

[mutley 4,488]

I stopped a guy in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip."

He said, "Arsenal to win the Premiership."

[hifly 925]

I stopped a guy in the street and said, "Can you help me? I'm looking for a rubbish tip."

He said, "Arsenal to win the Premiership."

Nice one. Well it would be but I sort of support Arsenal  Now that is a joke. 

 

Never take an atom for its' word, they make up everything.

 

The barman says 'We don't serve your type in here.' A neutrino walks into a bar.

[ddavid 149]

Welcome to the mad-house, Geoff - I can see you're gonna be right at home here!

And the neutrino joke get's my vote. I guess the bar was in Italy?

Cheers - Dai.

[hifly 925]

Thanks Dai. I have been bothering folks on the Just Flight forum, MartinW suggested I check here for a hardware question I had, (I think they're trying to get rid of me). More jokes when they come to mind. BTW I'm hifly on the JF forum.

[allardjd 1,853]

 

 

John

[brett 2,291]

Does it leak-yes-silicone  Those would be the three must haves for any tool box John.

[jaydor 345]

Just a friendly reminder about drinking and driving.

 

I went out last night and left my car in the pub car park and took the bus home.

 

When I awoke this morning I was vey proud of myself as I had never driven a bus before..

[brett 2,291]

Two philosophers were sitting at a restaurant, discussing whether or not there was a difference between misfortune and disaster.
“There is most certainly a difference,” said one. “If the cook suddenly died and we couldn’t have our dinner that would be a misfortune but certainly not a disaster. On the other hand, if a cruise ship carrying the Congress was to sink in the middle of the ocean, that would be a disaster but by no stretch of the imagination would it be a misfortune."

 

[allardjd 1,853]

Brett, when you're right, you're right.

 

John