The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[mutley 4,487]

I like it!

 

Can't be true John, a civil servant with a sense of humour? Nah!

 

[mutley 4,487]

From 'Private Eye' (Satirical magazine)

 

[jaydor 345]

 

My favourite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the **** I am now...

[allardjd 1,853]

A man arrived home from work one evening to find his wife sitting on the sofa in a dimly lit living room.

 

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen $20 dollars all crumpled up?" "No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the exposed cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled.

 

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen $50 dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh .... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively lifted her blouse slightly and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill that was tucked into the waist band of her pants. He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill, mind filled with anticipation.

 

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $25,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

 

"Wow .... no, but I'd love to," he said, while becoming extremely attentive. To which she replied, "Go look in the garage."

[allardjd 1,853]

Knock - knock

 

Who's there?

 

Please.

 

Please who?

 

Not, please - police.  Open up.  We're here to inspect your guns. 

[J G 927]

@ John --Don't start that one again!

 

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

 

When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

 

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

 

The guy obeys and says, '99'!

 

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a

deep breath and say, 99.'

 

Again, the guy says,'99.'

 

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

 

The guy begins, 'One ... Two ... Three'...

[J G 927]

Twelve of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ...... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

 

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

 
 

[J G 927]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

 

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

 

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

 

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

 

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

 

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

 

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

 

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

 

Don't Mess with Old People!!

 

[brett 2,285]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

 

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

 

The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

 

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened, no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too.
 

[needles 1,010]

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi ?

Dubai won't show The Flintstones movie on TV

but

Abu Dhabi Do

[mutley 4,487]

Ha ha enjoyed that one Brian! Must say something about our mentality 

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

A gang of teddy bears was at work building a road. At one point during a difficult embankment they found themselves alongside a small wooded area bordering a lake. It was blisteringly hot so they all decided to down tools and go down to the lakeside for lunch. It was lush and cool under the trees and a welcome break from the dust of the building site. After a couple of hours they return back to the site, only to find all their tools missing! They were all puzzled, since they could not see their gear they went off to the foremans office to complain. They told him what they'd found after lunch, "Did you go down to the woods today?" he asked, "Yes" the team leader said, "then when we got back we were surprised that our tools had gone!" The foreman looked at them, "Well it's no surprise to me" he said, "Just a big surprise for you! Didn't you know that todays the day that teddy bears have their picks nicked!""

[J G 927]

This made me giggle:-

 

 

For best effect run it full screen.

[allardjd 1,853]

A 107 year old man was being interviewed and was asked to what he attributed his long life...

 

"For better digestion, I drink beer.  In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine,  In the case of low blood pressure, I drink red wine,  In the case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch,  And when I have a cold, I drink schnapps.”

 

“When do you drink water?”

 

“I’ve never been that sick.”

[allardjd 1,853]

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.  

 

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

 

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

 

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

 

The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist."

 

The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

 

"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

 

One thing leads to another and they make love.

 

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

 

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

 

The girl replies:....

 

"Didn't feel a thing."

[allardjd 1,853]

The Last Kiss

 

Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge so they stopped. 

 

Richard, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

 

"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

 

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" 

 

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," Richard also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ......."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole Richard here your best last kiss?" 

 

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ....... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. 

 

After they breathlessly finished, Richard gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, 

 

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?" 

 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[allardjd 1,853]

A tough old cattleman from Texas counseled his granddaughter 
that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle 
a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

 

 The grand- daughter did this religiously until the age of 103, then she died.

 She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grand- 
children, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole 
where the crematorium used to be.

[hifly 925]

A Muslim has been shot by a starting pistol. Police say it is not a race issue.

 

 

 

Due to a water shortage in East Sussex, Hastings swimming pool have closed lanes 7 & 8.

 

 

 

As a child I used to be covered in chocolate and cream with a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.

 

 

 

If you receive an E Mail saying you can catch swine flu from tinned ham, delete it as spam.

 

:hat:

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

[jaydor 345]

Halloween:

Two youngsters knocking on my door and shouting "trick or treat?". They looked quite good in their costumes and face-paint,

so I couldn't bring myself to play a trick on them. I said, "I'll have a treat please", and started rummaging through their Halloween Bucket for a sweet that took my fancy.

Somehow, I got the impression I was doing something wrong.. 

[brett 2,285]

Halloween:

Two youngsters knocking on my door and shouting "trick or treat?". They looked quite good in their costumes and face-paint,

so I couldn't bring myself to play a trick on them. I said, "I'll have a treat please", and started rummaging through their Halloween Bucket for a sweet that took my fancy.

Somehow, I got the impression I was doing something wrong.. 

 

Sounds like a trick and a treat.

[allardjd 1,853]

LOCATION! LOCATION!! LOCATION!!!

 

You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation, when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel. By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "Mentally Unstable."

 

In Michigan, he'd be called, "The last white guy, still living, in Detroit."

 

In Arizona, he'd be called, "An avid gun collector."

 

In Arkansas, he'd be called, "A novice gun collector."

 

In Utah, he'd be called, "Moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure, that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."

 

In Kansas, he'd be, "A guy down the road, you would want to have for a friend.”

 

In Montana, he'd be called, "The Neighborhood 'Go-To' Guy."

 

In Idaho, he'd be called, "A likely Gubernatorial Candidate."

 

In Georgia, he'd be called, "An Eligible Bachelor."

 

In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina, he would be called, "A Deer Hunting Buddy."

 

And, in Texas, he'd just be, "Bubba, Who's a Little Short on Ammo."

[J G 927]

In the UK he would be called a lifer..... or possibly a "patient".

[jaydor 345]

In Wales he would be called "Alf the Ammo"   

[J G 927]

I was, perhaps wrongly, assuming the guy was no longer in the community.

 

If he was he would be called NOW... as in  "Armed Police! Drop the weapon and get down on the floor!  NOW!