The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[allardjd 1,853]

Rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology:

Medical Term - Redneck Definition

Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

Barium - What doctors do when patients die

Benign - What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan - Searching for Kitty

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her

Colic - A sheep dog

Coma - A little mark in a sentence

Dilate - To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker than someone else

Fibula - A small lie

Impotent - Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative - A letter carrier

Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery

Rectum - Nearly killed him

Secretion - Hiding something

Seizure - Roman Emperor

Tablet - A small table

Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport

Tumor - One plus one more

Urine Opposite of you're out

[mutley 4,495]

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman. 

So, in answer to your question ... It's probably a bird.

[allardjd 1,853]

Why Old Men Don't Get Hired

At Job interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old man: "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man: "I don't really give a shit what you think."

[Quickmarch 488]

Old Man: "I don't really give a shit what you think."

 

[hifly 925]

Officer, "Smithers, I didn't see you at camouflage practice this afternoon."

 

Smithers, "Thank you sir."

[brett 2,310]

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenny."
"And what is your question, Kenny?"
"I have three questions: First – What happened in Benghazi? Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And, third - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess.

Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry."
"And what is your question, Larry?"
"I have five questions: First - What happened in Benghazi? Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - What happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And, fifth - What happened to Kenny?"

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

"And, fifth - What happened to Kenny?""

 

Could be a South Park episode ^

[allardjd 1,853]

Posting the text of this spam e-mail in the jokes thread because that's where it fits the best.  This stuff is funnier than some of the jokes we see here.

 

It seems I have an unknown benefactor in Spain who's sending me some money.  

 

UNITED STATES POSTAL INSPECTION SERVICE
PO BOX 555, NEW YORK NY 10116-0555

This is to notify you that we have intercepted your parcel from USPS COURIER SERVICE is making the delivery and we have stopped the delivery process for some security reasons stated below:

Our scanning system has detected that your parcel contains a confirmable CARD to the tune of US$6,500,000.00 USD.Such parcel coming from African /Europe/Asia is been verified by the postal inspection service.

Also for the Delivery of the Parcel to continue, you are in obligation to obtain from Spain, a Duly Sworn Affidavit from Spanish High Court which will back up the Origin of Fund. This is in line with the Anti-Terrorist Campaign which the USA Government has embarked on recently to protect our Territory from future attacks. You should therefore contact the sender of the CARD or the USPS Courier Agent in Madrid Spain to get the Sworn Affidavit for you while we wait to receive from you the Affidavit File Number to enable us forward your CARD to your address.

Below is his contact information. Note that the cost of the Affidavit is US$198 and do not hesitate to remit the amount to him.

Name: Mr Shane Ambrose
Email address: ambrose.shane@yahoo.co.nz


We shall then forward the CARD to you and you will be sure of a genuine CARD that is coming to you. We are doing this for your interest considering the rate which fraudulent and stolen checks/CARD are been sent to our innocent citizen that most times put them in problem.

Your urgent action on this notice will be appreciated.

Sincerely,
GUY COTTRELL
Chief Postal Inspectors

[brett 2,310]

Good to see those guys are on the ball.

[brett 2,310]

[jaydor 345]

2 Bradford mothers were talking about their sons.

The one said "Our Amil is 17 and all blown up now"

[allardjd 1,853]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing

a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend :

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too ! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels

and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had

wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this..)

" What's for dinner, Zorro ?"

[brett 2,310]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'N)azi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'I Love Obama.' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

[Andrew Godden 943]

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

 

Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a shitload of hares, one camel toe, and a fish nobody can find.    

[jaydor 345]

Love the above Andrew..  LOL
 
Summertime posters:

[needles 1,011]

Can I smell fish?????

[bilirubin 50]

75 year old wife turns to her 80 year old husband and says "what would you do if I started smoking"

 

Husband replies "use more lube" 

[Corsaire31 419]

Greek referendum.

 

A friend from another forum, who makes drawings for newspapers in South Africa, has posted this yesterday, thought I would share :

 

[hifly 925]

I was making out my Will and said to the wife. "Darling, I'm leaving everything to you."

 

She said. "You always do you lazy git!"

[brett 2,310]

A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

[Corsaire31 419]

Here is another one from today which I also find spot on :

 

[hifly 925]

Just watched a Greek porno movie.

 

There was no money shot.

[Corsaire31 419]

[hifly 925]

The inventor of Spellcheck has died. His funfair will be next Sundial.

[brett 2,310]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."