mutley 4,497 Posted August 16, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 16, 2015 In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............"Is that one word or two?" 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pjl953 41 Posted August 17, 2015 Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 I only tell bad chemistry jokes, because all the good ones Argon. (Leaves quietly to a chorus of groans) 4 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted August 17, 2015 Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 A bag of McFries waved to a packet of wedges as they blew down the street one evening,.............they were chips that passed in the night! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted August 17, 2015 Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 Apparently there is a new movie being made that's about a Footballer who gives up the lifestyle to become a dustman in Southall, West London. ...........It's called Binned it like Beckham! (runs away quickly!) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dodgy-alan 1,587 Posted August 17, 2015 Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 If you feel depressed, think that no-one cares about you, unnoticed, unloved............. Just forget to send in your tax return! You'll suddenly become very popular! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2015 My girlfriend bought a home waxing kit the other day.She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle.I said I would prefer it if she didn't have a moustache at all. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 18, 2015 Tom Jones, one of the most respected singers in the world, has been axed from the voice to be replaced by Boy George, a convicted criminal and a homosexual drug addict.A spokesman for the BBC said, "Tom just didn't fit in." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted August 18, 2015 Report Share Posted August 18, 2015 Tom Jones, one of the most respected singers in the world, has been axed from the voice to be replaced by Boy George, a convicted criminal and a homosexual drug addict. A spokesman for the BBC said, "Tom just didn't fit in." It's Not Unusual. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Corsaire31 419 Posted August 21, 2015 Report Share Posted August 21, 2015 An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,315 Posted August 21, 2015 Report Share Posted August 21, 2015 A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.“Here, give me the broom, I’ll show you how to do it.” 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 My favourite joke from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival best jokes. Clowns divorce. Custardy battle. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 And another..I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,315 Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2015 I bought a big, multi coloured kaftan. "It's for my wife," I explained to the assistant. "Hippy?" she asked. "Yes," I said, "and stomachy and arsey". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hifly 925 Posted August 28, 2015 Report Share Posted August 28, 2015 My champion racing snail called Brian was not winning many races so I removed his shell to save weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, it made him more sluggish. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2015 I took my wife to the South Pacific for our honeymoon last year.Tonga?No I ... (far too explicit, fill in your own ending) Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 28, 2015 I looked out my window and saw a guy in a black robe who was trying to clear the frost off his car with a scythe. So I thought I'd go and help."Stop," said my wife, grabbing my arm. "You're de-icing with death." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Captain Coffee 2,030 Posted August 29, 2015 Report Share Posted August 29, 2015 What do you call the increase in performance experienced for a short while each time after you mess with your .cfg file? The Placebo FSX. Thanks Dolf for the...inspiration. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted August 30, 2015 Report Share Posted August 30, 2015 My PIN is the last four digits of pi (if you understand this, you need to get out more). John 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted August 30, 2015 Report Share Posted August 30, 2015 I need to get out more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,315 Posted August 30, 2015 Report Share Posted August 30, 2015 I love pie Link to post Share on other sites
Quickmarch 488 Posted August 31, 2015 Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 I received this by email this morning. Some people must be colossally brain dead for this to work: ********************************************************************** If you are still making use of this account and you want to keep itactive reconfirm below to upgrade to our newest version just clickreply and fill the spaces then send.User name_______________________Email Address____________________Password______________________ __Reconfirm password_______________Country_______________________ __Test question and answers___________This upgrading is compulsory as a result of our recentserver changes,failure to reconfirm the above needed information youraccount will be deleted permanently after three days.We are sorry for any inconvenience this might because you as soon aswe got the information we shall get this fixed within an hour.Regards,Internet Global security WEB MAIL BETA ********************************************************************** That's almost as good as this one: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mutley 4,497 Posted August 31, 2015 Author Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 March,, I had almost the same email from web email beta! They must rely on very naive folk, hopefully as everyone's experience matures fewer will fall for this scam. Link to post Share on other sites
allardjd 1,853 Posted August 31, 2015 Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 I had almost the same email from web email beta! There were two copies of it in the Suspect Mail folder of my web mail today. It didn't make it past the web mail server to my e-mail client on the computer, however. John Link to post Share on other sites
brett 2,315 Posted August 31, 2015 Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 I got one like it as a popup when I looked at an older site. Funny thing was is that I never was an account holder. Link to post Share on other sites
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