The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[hifly 925]

Thankfully he made the women round too.

[CAT3508 343]

[Quickmarch 488]

Reprinted from a post sent to me by a sailing friend: "Sailors Beware" (@Loic - that's you, me and Capt'n Coffee)

 

Sometimes things don’t go according to plan – and then you have a choice. Either you mope around and feel sorry for yourself, or you laugh about the situation and keep looking forward.

When Norwegian CJ had an embarrassing incident in the shower with his newly bought IKEA stool, he decided to do the latter – and shared his experience in a humorous Facebook post.

What he didn’t know was that the story would become an internet sensation.

What happened was that CJ had a bad knee, so he decided that it would be a good idea to get a stool so he could sit down in the shower.

After looking at different alternatives at IKEA, he decided to go for the “Marius” stool since it was made out of steel and plastic, and was comfy.

But there was one thing that C had forgotten about: the stool had 8 small holes in it, something that would soon cause an uncomfortable problem. On his Norwegian Facebook page, he writes about the incident:

“Once I got home, I put my new piece of furniture in the shower and got in, this time without clothes. I calmly sat down on the stool and soaped up my whole body, including the ‘captain’ and his ‘two sailors’. As you might imagine, the sailors are what dangles between my legs, but since this is a public Facebook post I’ll stick to more flowery language.”

Source: CJ Facebook

“So, when the deck got slippery and the captain and his crew got dizzy from all the foam, they started sliding around like drunk sailors!” C writes, and continues:

“Then something terrible happened. A sailor unwittingly made his escape and slid down one of the holes in the stool. I didn’t notice at first, but as you know things tend to expand when they are warmed up. And when a sailor gets really hot, then he really expands in size. I didn’t notice this until I tried standing up, only to find that the stool was hanging on behind me, and a searing white pain went through me like lightning. That good-for-nothing sailor was stuck in the hole!”

“So there I sat. And sat. I was thinking about my predicament and trying to figure a way out of it. I couldn’t pull up the sailor, and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to push him up from below without having to go to the hospital. So I kept sitting there, pondering,” C writes.

But as he was sitting there in the accidental trap, the problem started solving itself:

“I sat there until I ran out of hot water – and when the hot water runs out, you get cold, terribly cold.” he writes, and continues:

“Since I started getting cold, I thought about how I could keep warm, so I tried reaching for the hair dryer… and guess what happened?!? The cold had made that damn sailor shrink again, and with a pop I was a free man once more!”

Source: Facebook Post

The honest story made readers double over with laughter, and in just one day he received 25,000 likes and 12,000 shares. On the same day, IKEA wrote an ingenious Facebook comment

“Hello C. We’re sorry to hear that your crew got in trouble and that the Coast Guard almost had to intervene. We recommend you take this stool out of the shower and put a nice flower pot on it. 
If you do decide to keep it in the shower, then make sure that you’re wearing the right clothing for a rough day at sea – we recommend putting on a sou’wester. Have a great day,” writes IKEA.

I think this was a great example of someone able to laugh at themselves!

Edited July 31, 2017 by Quickmarch

[allardjd 1,853]

The part about reaching for the hair dryer made my blood run cold.  Not a brilliant idea given the situation.  It could have been a shocking experience.  Best case would have been that a GFI in the circuit would have prevented any further injury but then he'd have been sitting there in the dark.

 

God protects fools, sometimes.

 

John

 

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

Ha, my shower has a stool built in...and the single hole is large enough for the entire crew, and transient guests, to drop into the onboard fresh water "swimming pool".

[brett 2,314]

Washington, D C 2120-September 1, 1945

To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz

From: H S Truman

 

Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of s##t by the clean end!

 

Now, with special thanks to the Truman Museum you and I finally have a full understanding of what 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS' means.

 

*************************************

 

"You can't always believe what you read on the internet."
-Abraham Lincoln

[CAT3508 343]

[CAT3508 343]

[Lucy.P 168]

I see you have a Tigers Eye in there, It stimulates taking action, and helps you to make decisions with discernment and understanding unclouded by your emotions. Perfect for a driver. Well done Neil. I think this is a great idea, I might do the same to my yoke  

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

I have magnetic mounts all over my car for my smartphone. When I was considering locations I briefly considered the steering wheel but then yeah I imagined the airbag going off and nixed that idea. A mobile phone sticking out of my Cranium would not look very smart.

[brett 2,314]

Next thing you know there will be a new ugly yellow sticker on the visor warning against just that.

[allardjd 1,853]

Despite the lame, intrusive and expensive efforts of the various government health and safety organizations, they just don't seem to understand that you can't fix stupid.

 

John

[Tristarcaptain 282]

No....but WE understand that the Government is stupid!! 

 

Martin

[CAT3508 343]

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

I read a newspaper article about some guy claiming to be a Bigfoot sighting... He was apparently wearing a shaman costume and wandering around in the woods. Now I don't know if the guy is clueless, foolhardy, or if that's a thing in his area... But that sounds like something that could cause problems down the road, possibly accidents. So I wrote a semi-serious joke to address the issue...

 

 

-----------------------------------

 

To help prevent accidental shootings in the woods and recover costs in advance of Miss-sighting/Miss-shootings by hunters, a propsal:

 

Begin issuing Mythological Creature Tags to Myth hunters. 

 

Purpose:

This may help prevent Poachers from shooting Costumed pranksters...as it stands it is not a crime to shoot at a suspected mythological creature.

Prospective Rates for Myth Tags:

Big Foot Tag: $15,000.00 (approximate cost of EVAC helicopter ride to an emergency room for a Darwin Deserving Furry having fun in the woods)

Unicorn Tag: $2000.00 (about the replacement value of an innocent horse)

Easter Bunny Tag: $5.00...hell...Big rabbits are kind of nuisance varmints...sell these cheep.

Leprechaun Tag: $10,000,000 dollars. (approximate civil lawsuit amount for shooting a Little person hiking in the woods wearing green clothes and a funny hat)...but hey, if you bag a real one the Tag will pay for itself.

 

~Coff.

[brett 2,314]

They would be cut up and buried before the authorities knew what happened. 

 

Besides, it's the moonshiners that see these creatures the most and at that point they can't aim a gun for the life of them.

[hifly 925]

Browsing Ebay today I saw Chinese Tippex.

 

Apparently it's a correctors item. 

[CAT3508 343]

[brett 2,314]

For some reason I can't see Neils last two post attachments. Am I the only one and if so what can I do in my settings to fix this.

[allardjd 1,853]

35 minutes ago, brett said:

Am I the only one...

 

Nope - same here.

 

John

[brett 2,314]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide. Just get a divorce!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[CAT3508 343]

Hi Guys,

Sorry you can't see my last 2 posts, I've just had a look, and they are both visible to me. Very strange!!

Neil

[brett 2,314]

12 hours ago, CAT3508 said:

Hi Guys,

Sorry you can't see my last 2 posts, I've just had a look, and they are both visible to me. Very strange!!

Neil

 

Both look like come from a web address http://www.shipsnostalgia.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=170514&d=1502533600 maybe they block the images somehow form third party hosting or some other tech reason I don't understand. How do you grab the image from them, right click on an image and grab it's link using it's properties?

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

The Chief of Staff of the US Air Force decided to personally recruit some pilots and he saw two young twins.

He looked at the first young man and asked: "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says: "I'm a pilot!"

The General gets all excited, turns to his aide and says: “Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The General looks at the second young man and asks: "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says: "I chop wood!"

“Son,” the general replies: “We don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?”

“I chop wood!”

“Young man,” huffs the general, “You are not listening to me, we don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!”

“Well,” the young man says, “You hired my brother!”

“Of course we did,” says the general, “He’s a pilot!”

The young man rolls his eyes and says: “So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!”

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

The Apple of God's eye were the iSraelites, but Egyptians tried to use them as Androids. Predictably they didn't opetate well under that system and many bugs cropped up.