The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[J G 927]

The other day I came across a Donald trump mask:

 

 

I flipped it over to find......

 

 

As they say across the pond... Go figure!

[CAT3508 343]

[brett 2,310]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:" American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the Canadian Dept. Of Mines and Resources in Newfoundland reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Newfoundland, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely zip all.

Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless."

[Tristarcaptain 282]

Actually, the first country to go wireless was Israel...it is called prayer!!!  It came about sometime B.C.   

[CAT3508 343]

[J G 927]

On 01/08/2018 at 01:04, Tristarcaptain said:

Actually, the first country to go wireless was Israel...it is called prayer!!!  It came about sometime B.C.   

 

I know.  Connection was very poor at times, still evident by customers standing by a wall and thus enabling "connecting is like banging your head against a wall" to become a reality.  

[CAT3508 343]

Yesterday, I replied to an ad in the paper for an assistant's position at Ikea.
I turned up on time for the interview and was shown into the manager's office.
The man sitting behind the big desk said to me, "Good morning, welcome to Ikea," and pointing to a box on the floor to one side of me said, "Assemble that chair and please take a seat!"
 

[CAT3508 343]

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

A bloke holds a door open for a feminist he's being a patronizing git , If he doesn't he's a disrespectful towards women! .....and a git! Go Figure! LOL

Edited September 5, 2018 by dodgy-alan

[Tristarcaptain 282]

You really are missing the point, Alan!!  The real question is what is the women doing out of the kitchen!!! 

 

(Okay...time to run for cover!!)

 

Martin

[brett 2,310]

FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built
the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

[CAT3508 343]

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

If you cross a Shark with a Beaver, you get a Shaver. But if you cross a Beaver with a Shark you get a Berk!

[mutley 4,495]

6 hours ago, dodgy-alan said:

If you cross a Shark with a Beaver, you get a Shaver. But if you cross a Beaver with a Shark you get a Berk!

So what happens if you shave a Beaver?

[jury1942 424]

 

[J G 927]

Oh that is good!

[Lucy.P 168]

Just been to the gym ! They've got a new machine in . Only used it for half an hour as i started to feel sick . It's great though , it does everything... Kitkats, Mars Bars , Snickers, Crisps , the lot !!

[dodgy-alan 1,587]

On 14/09/2018 at 19:01, mutley said:

So what happens if you shave a Beaver?

It gets hypothermia!  

[Tristarcaptain 282]

4 hours ago, Lucy.P said:

Just been to the gym ! They've got a new machine in . Only used it for half an hour as i started to feel sick . It's great though , it does everything... Kitkats, Mars Bars , Snickers, Crisps , the lot !!

Sounds like my kind of gym, Lucy!!!  Especially if it has a coffee machine too!! 

[hifly 925]

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I'll buy cheap toilet paper.

[Tristarcaptain 282]

1 hour ago, hifly said:

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I'll buy cheap toilet paper.

That stinks!!!!!!

[Tristarcaptain 282]

A great coffee mug for REAL coffee lovers!!!! (Captaincoffee......you there!!??)

https://www.amazon.com/Personalized-Prescription-Coffee-Mug-Personalize/dp/B00D6472CQ/ref=sr_1_5?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1537123725&sr=1-5&keywords=Prescription+Personalized+Coffee+Mug

[Lucy.P 168]

[Tristarcaptain 282]

There's nothing there, Lucy.  Just two X's and some codes.......

[CAT3508 343]

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him "Do you notice anything different about me?" The young officer answered, "Why yes Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears." The General was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant and he was even better.

The General then asked him the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" He replied sheepishly, "Well Sir, you have no ears."
The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an infantryman and staff trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General liked this guy and went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes Sir, you wear contact lenses."

The General was very impressed and thought, "What an incredibly observant NCO and he didn't mention my ears." He asked the Sergeant Major, "How do you know I wear contacts?"

"Well Sir", the soldier replied, "It's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f---ing ears."