The Jokes topic (Do not enter if easily offended)

[CAT3508 337]

Never Argue with a Woman 

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.


The peace and solitude are magnificent. 


Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 
'Reading a book' she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?') 


'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.' 
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 


'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden. 


'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left. 

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. 

[Quickmarch 488]

IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

John, a  Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by.  The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.  

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.  

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.  Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. 

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
 
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying ... and wasn't drunk. 
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

‘Look Paddy .... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

[brett 2,284]

A liberal friend (I do not have more than two) asked me what I thought he might need in order to defend his

home and family from home invasion.

I suggested a 9mm, a couple of clips, and a box of shells A few days later he sent me this picture and

asked me how to make it all work.

That picture had a: 9mm wrench; a paper clip; and a box of sea shells.

He voted for Hillary -- twice.

[hifly 925]

A horse was having a couple of drinks in the pub when he sees a donkey sitting over in the corner. So he wanders over and asks the donkey if he might join him. They start chatting and the horse asks. "What did you do?"  "I gave kiddies rides on the beach. What did you do?" asks donkey. "A racehorse."  "Win anything?" Asks donkey. " Yes, the Grand National, St Leger, Gold Cup and the Derby." Anyway they chat along and arrange to meet at the donkeys house in a couple of days.

 

Donkey thinks now how can I impress him, so he goes out and buys a large picture of a zebra and hangs it above his fireplace. Horse comes round to donkeys house. "Nice place you've got here. What's that?" he asks looking at the picture. "That's me when I played for Newcastle United."

 

For those not in the know, Newcastle United colours are black and white.

 

 

[CAT3508 337]

[Tristarcaptain 282]

Over here in the USA, a fanny is someone's, errr...bottom!  Presumably you are thinking of chocolate muffins!!!! 

[Quickmarch 488]

    A man and woman were married for many years.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.  The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

    Neighbors feared him.  The old man liked the fact that he was feared.  Then one evening, he died when he was 98.  After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

    The wife said,  " Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

 

 

[CAT3508 337]

[Quickmarch 488]

US and Canadian standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Well, because that's the way they built them in England, and English engineers designed the first US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the wagon tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
So, why did 'they' use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break more often on some of the old, long distance roads in England . You see, that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
And what about the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match or run the risk of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature, of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system, was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything and....

CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

[allardjd 1,853]

Re the above post by Quickmarch - Both my brothers had their careers with CSX, a large US freight railroad.  When Morton-Thiokol were building and shipping the SRBs, part of the documentation package included precautions in case of fire.  I don't remember the exact wording but it was something along the lines of get everyone a long way away and let them burn.  Any attempts to extinguish the burning solid fuel would be too little, too late and very ill-advised.

 

With no nozzles attached and a core-hole through the middle, no significant thrust would be generated, so it was expected that they would just burn in place, melting down themselves and anything nearby.  Fortunately, it never happened.

[Quickmarch 488]

A lot of stuff being shipped over our roads and rails (not to mention in the holds of passenger jets) can be pretty devastating if something goes wrong. Burning a SRB in the middle of a farmer's field in Oklahoma might be spectacular and maybe hard on a crop but not really serious. Imagine, however, if that thing lit up inside the tunnel - write off one tunnel. It has happened many times with gasoline in tanker trucks. I recall one in Southern Ontario (Canada) a long time ago and a search of Google brings up quite a few others:

See: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/30/us/30collapse.html

http://articles.latimes.com/2011/dec/15/local/la-me-1215-freeway-closed-20111215

Closer to home there has been one Propane truck accident on the Malahat highway, north of Victoria, BC that shut down the highway for many days. It was pretty serious because that highway is the only (practical) north/south access on Vancouver Island. Another, a gasoline truck, shut the same highway down for several days in 2012.

http://www.timescolonist.com/news/fuel-truck-crash-on-malahat-near-goldstream-risked-many-lives-court-told-1.23275

 

Sorry, a bit off-topic and not funny at all. Just seems to be a cruel joke that the necessity exists that these types of cargoes share our roads (especially under the control of people like the moron driving the fuel truck).

 

[Quickmarch 488]

Just found a funny one:

 

https://v.redd.it/qph3vvkahbk01

[CAT3508 337]

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

^Can sit next to me any flight...looks quite soothing.

[hifly 925]

More typo errors.

[CAT3508 337]

[brett 2,284]

REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

 

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots.

2.Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo
Magazine.

3.Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4.Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba:

Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Back in an hour.

Don't mess with the pit bulls – they attacked the mailman this morning
and messed him up bad.
I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

[mutley 4,487]

Ha - mildly amusing 
Haha - laughing 
Hahaha - sarcastic laughing 
Hahahaha - staying alive

[CAT3508 337]

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver’s friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I’ve had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It’s thirty miles an hour", it says
"You’re doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it’s never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I’m sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don’t I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I’m properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And – keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the darn thing off!

[CAT3508 337]

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

A penguin was driving his car in the desert. All of sudden his car broke down. Luckily, he was pretty close to a gas station just down the road. So he waddled behind his car and pushed it to the gas station. He asked the mechanic to take a look and find the problem and the mechanic told him he'd take a look at it, and to come back in 30 minutes. The penguin was getting hot being an antarctic flightless bird in the desert and all, and decided to go find something to cool him off. He went into the convenience store and bought several vanilla ice creams. He ate the all ice cream and made a big mess all over his face by the time the 30 minutes were up. He went back to the mechanic to find out the problem. The mechanic informed him," Looks like you blew a seal." To which the penguin replied, "No, no. It's just a little ice cream."

Edited April 1, 2018 by Captain Coffee

[allardjd 1,853]

THE COYOTE PRINCIPLE
 
California
 
The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.  A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
 
The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
 
He calls animal control.  Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
 
He calls a veterinarian.  The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
 
The Governor goes to the hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
 
The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
 
The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
 
The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
 
The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.  The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training on the nature of coyotes.
 
PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.
 
Texas
 
The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.  A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
 
The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging  The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
 
The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
 
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

Not sure that Texas is the best state to use in the example above...certainly California is carrying more debt than Texas at (roughly) 450 billion vs 300 billion, but 300 billion is by no means Not Broke.  Probably useful to compare their debts vs the amount of GDP they generate, arguably California is one of the wealthiest states and synonymous with "Tech Economy" and The Burbs... whereas Texas is more stereotyped as Oil Baron and Trailer park country.

 

See this chart for a comparison of 2017 numbers...

https://www.usgovernmentdebt.us/compare_state_debt

 

and yes...I know it was just a joke, but it wasn't as funny as it could be because "it isn't true".  

Edited April 1, 2018 by Captain Coffee

[allardjd 1,853]

I didn't write it, I just posted it because, a) I thought it was funny, and b) it rings fairly true for the basic philosophies of the two states.  Yeah, it's a bit hyperbolic, but manages to present a pair of plausible stereotypes, correct or otherwise.  

 

John

[Captain Coffee 2,030]

20 minutes ago, allardjd said:

I didn't write it, I just posted it because, a) I thought it was funny, and b) it rings fairly true for the basic philosophies of the two states.  Yeah, it's a bit hyperbolic, but manages to present a pair of plausible stereotypes, correct or otherwise.  

 

John

 

Indeed...100% agree. I just had to rebut because "Texas not in debt" sounded so very wrong..although I was certainly relying on stereotypes in my rebuttal of the joke as well...Touche!